Not My Best Friend

It's said that a dog is "man's best friend."

To me they're a pain in the butt.

Usually, when I see a dog,

I see a mangy mutt.

 

Yipping, barking, slobbering, howling,

Shedding, pooping, and such,

Dogs are very high maintenance creatures,

Which can be a bit much.

 

I cringe when they run up to me

And want to spray them with mace

When after licking their rear, they try

To lick me in the face.

 

And cleaning up after them? My goodness!

It would make me gag

To pick up a giant pile of poop

With my hand in a plastic bag.

 

They can let the smelliest farts.

Granted, so can we.

But we can leave the room, or at least

Say, "Please pardon me."

 

And when they get sick, they crap all over

And vomit and make a mess.

It makes me want to throw up as well

And find a rapid egress.

 

Sometimes they'll ruin household items

By chewing on this or that.

And I will scream the loudest curse

Whenever I step where they shat.

 

Some dogs are much more tolerable

Than others, I'll admit.

If I pet one, I'm being nice

And not a hypocrite.

 

Dogs, I know, bring lots of joy

To people's lives. That's fine.

But I expect their pets to behave.

That's the bottom line.

 

I'm sure I'm in the minority

To feel the way I do.

But everyone has the right to share

His or her point of view.

 

Dog lovers will probably say

I'm just a grumpy old man.

Perhaps, but when it comes to dogs,

I'm simply not a fan.

 

-by Bob B (1-26-24)