Hope

A poem about feeling lost and alone but still having hope.

Watch them laugh while you cry
The fireworks, boom in the sky
Like it’s the Fourth of July
Share your secrets while they lie

Watch them fly while you fall
Pull your guns, it’s a brawl
Now it’s time to make the call
I Want to see it all

Only the strong will survive
Remember, you’re still alive

Hold back the tears, crystallizing in your eyes
Fake it hard, smile big, so they won't realize
What's hiding behind the disguise
In the end, you'll be wise

Can you run from your own life?
Or cut the tension with a knife?
Don't look back, don't think twice
Take a chance and roll the dice

Watch them win while you try
That little light starts to die

They say I'm done
I'm on the run
Where is the sun?
This isn't fun

So, go and hide
Find out what's inside
Swallow your pride
I know I’ve tried

It’s a struggle, it’s a battle
Up a river without a paddle
You think It's over but now It's not
That bullet really hit the spot

Watch them fight while you’re attacked
I've been stabbed in the back
Now my strength is what I lack
This is hard and that's a fact

Watch them say hello while I say goodbye
Watch them laugh while I cry

Author's Note

The original title is ‘Watch Them’ but it wouldn't let me put that as the title. I don't know why

Reviews

[emipoemi]

.....Odd how it would glitch like that. "Hope" doesn't really do justice to this piece of brilliance that honestly speaks volumes about the trials and tribulations of an artist. I've been writing for 11 years now, and still have yet to break from the shadows. But back to the poem, I'm in awe with it. This is your best work yet, though it still has a couple of errors, but nothing too too serious.

1: The first couplet NEEDS to be repeated. It's the crux of the poem, as quite frankly it's one of its most important points. If it's not repeated at least once more (and really it can only be repeated once more), the quality of its power is undermined. You should put the repetition before the second couplet as a segway into the second couplet.

2: "it's a drawl"? I don't think that's the word you're looking for.....doesn't mean what you think it means.

3: "Hold back *THE tears crystallizing....." (with the "the" you could take out the comma and go right into the second clause, which makes more sense grammatically, as the second clause isn't really a proper clause...which brings me to the note about being careful with punctuation. There are some commas that are unnecessary, eg. in Stanza 1 Line 2)

4: Careful with unnecessary repetitions (like "You think you're done....." which echoes "They say I'm done" in an unnecessary way. The intention is great and necessary, but the wording isn't cutting it, and that stanza is the absolute BEST (or would be if that wording was tweaked a bit); and also careful with amateur words like "honestly". Again, the intention is great, but with a poem of this calibre, it's these words that bring it down and undermine it. It doesn't feel like a poem anymore but rather a rant of sorts (or perhaps a general plea of sorts), which you have to be really careful about doing.

These are really easy things to tweak, and it won't hurt the poem as a whole. You have created this brilliant platform for a message that all artists in the shadows can relate to....and all you have to do is drive it home! Well done!

[Talia]

Thank you so much! I knew it needed some editing.

[emipoemi]

You're very welcome. Always a pleasure to help. Especially when a writer conjures something this amazing! I say again, Talia, this is your best work yet - this is your bar! Tweak those factors and it would scream perfection....and then you as a writer would have to figure out how you're going to top it - xp

[David Klay]

Hope maybe the original light at the end of the tunnel. It can sometimes be your only true north. I love the honesty in this write. Well done. :)

[Talia]

Hope is all I have. Thanks for reading. :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

we cannot run from our own lives...we have to own up to who and what we are, and make the best of what we have.
we do have to swallow a pride...but being knocked down means we have to get back up...
stronger than ever...

the ending is bleak here...a sense of hopelessness....no resurrection of faith that things will get better.
impending doom is surely translated to us here in this poem...

hopefully things will improve for the speaker...you do speak from the gut...
j.

[Talia]

Thanks for reading.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

you are welcome...i enjoy your poetry for its raw honesty...
j.

[Karmee]

It’s a struggle, it’s a battle
Up a river without a paddle

Love this part, This is so very good and so well written. Enjoyed this write

[serendipity]

That's beautifully written! It needs a bit of polishing, otherwise a great job indeed! It was overwhelming with emotions that you so effectively portrayed! Amazing :))

[Vin]

Keep writing. You're doing a good thing! Expecting more. btw You should work on the title.

Sending love!