The Memory That Killed - Part 1

You have suddenly died,

not from a deadly disease or catastrophic earthquake but from 20 different pills slipping down your throat. The single individual that ended your life is staring back at you in the mirror of your bathroom. With a black mask on to hide the shame your face carries, you wonder why you have not yet dropped to the floor. Life after death is supposed to be incredible yet you feel like you are still living. Confused, you walk to your front door and open it expecting to see your street but instead you see nothing but blank space around you.

“You seem afraid.”

You look around yourself, trying to find the voice that has just emerged.

“ Who are you?”

“ I am you”

“ That makes no sense. How can you be me if I am myself?”

“ Things don’t have to make sense here.”

“ What is this place?”

“ It is somewhere… yet is nowhere.”

“ What? Am I dead?”

“ It is impossible to die.”

“ People die all the time.”

“ No, people think they are dying but their souls carry on.”

“ Oh, like how people go to heaven or hell?”

“ Something like that…”

“ So, am I going to heaven now?”

“ No, in order to move on to a better place, you must first go learn a few things.”

“ What’s the point of that?”

“ Learning is always helpful.”

“ I feel like you are judging me.”

“ If you feel that way then you are actually judging yourself.”

You sigh in annoyance.

“When does this learning start?”

“ Right now.”

Before you can even reply to the mysterious voice that claims to be you, you are whisked away like a plastic bag caught in a windstorm. Air hits you from every direction forcing your eyes to close.You hear nothing but dark silence. For the first time in years, you pray. When the air around you finally calms, you hesitantly stand at a halt. Fingers shaking violently against palm; you do not know what to do.

“ Open your eyes.”

Gradually you open your eyes to see your lifeless body lying on your bathroom floor. You hear the front door creak open and a distant laugh sounds familiar. After a few moments you figure out who the voice belongs to. It’s your mom’s rose petal like voice speaking on the telephone. As she calls out your name to see if you are home, tears begin to fill your throat as your eye burns. A knock on the door fills you with fear that could kill.

“Hey, you in there?”

You open your mouth to scream out but all that escapes is air filled with oblivion. The golden bathroom knob takes decades to turn in a clockwise motion. At the final click before the door swings open, you look away. You expect a scream or maybe a cry out for help but instead you hear nothing.

“ Your death does not only affect you.”

You open your eyes to see that you are now standing in an empty room with only a projector sitting patiently on the floor. The fumes of fresh paint hit your nose.

“ She always secretly hated me anyways,” you say defensively.

The projector begins to hum as a film of some sort begins to play on an white wall.You have never seen this video yet it feels familiar. You see willow trees sway back and forth in the slight breeze. A young woman emerges from the bushes playfully and you soon realize that it is your mother that you are watching. Her teeth are a brand new white car as she grins at something out of the camera’s view. Moments later, a toddler wobbles like a penguin into the vision. Your mom scoops the toddler up and gazes upon her creation. That toddler is you. The tape stops and the projector turns off. Your eyes flood with tears.

“ If you saw hate in that, then hate is a synonym of both tenderness and warmth.”

Your mind feels cloudy like the feeling you get when your mouth spits out words faster than you can comprehend them.

“ If she loved me so much then why do I know that she wouldn't have believed me?”

“ I can only speak for your thoughts, not hers.”

“ So...you know what he did to me?”

“ I do.”

You begin to cry uncontrollably, not wanting the tears to fall but they do anyways.

“ It wasn’t fair what happened to you.”

Not being able to collect your thoughts, you continue to cry without responding.

“  This isn’t what you want to hear but it is important for you to understand that you made the wrong choice… and now your story will go untold.”

“ I didn’t need to live anymore.”

“ No, you didn’t want to live anymore, but you needed to.”

“ Everyday would have been a nightmare for me.”

“ Time heals even the deepest wounds.”

“ Those are just words put together.”

“ Words have meaning though. Walk through the door on your left and you will see all the meaning words can possess .”

You look to your left and notice a white wooden door that wasn’t there before. You are skeptical to walk through the door that mine as well have DANGER written on it. Hesitantly, you walk towards the door. Your body is an internal earthquake as you grab the doorknob and begin to twist.

“ What the f**k?”

On the other side of the door is hell. Not actual hell with fire and demons but the hell that everyone knows. You look around and realize you are at the high school you know all too well. You weren’t particularly popular but a nice size of people knew who you were. It is an unusually cold day. You remember the hiding spot you used to go to when it was cold and you didn’t want to go to calculus. You begin to run towards the football field. You forgot how good it feels to run; air rushing against you. Something about it made you feel free and forget the worries that often trapped your mind in a prison.

The bleachers are skyscrapers in front of you. The sweet smell of freshly cut grass makes your nose tingle. Although you loved the Friday-night-football scene, your safe haven laid under the bleachers. You begin to walk into the pitch black abyss. There is a moment before you go under where you can’t see anything until your eyes fully adjust. Right before your eyes adjust, you begin to hear light laughter that stops you in you tracks. The laughs from the nothingness before you sounds like multiple people. The voices encases you like the brown blanket you used when watching old movies. You feel a sense of comfort.  As your eyes begin to adjust you realize you’ve been here before. In this exact moment. At this exact time.

“ No, no and then he…”

The talking suddenly halts. You see five of your closest friends, including him, staring back at you. Your body stiffens and you begin to feel nervous and scared as if you're about to present in front of a class. Precautious curiosity strikes there faces as they stare in disbelief.

“ You shouldn’t have left us babe,” he says with disappointment on his face.

“ He kil…,” you try to gargle out but tears clog your throat.

“ You left us. So just... go,” his words sting as they hit you.  

For the last time, you really look at him. His curls form spiraled stairs. The sun must have kissed him over summer because he’s tanner than usual. His eyes remind you of the warmth your body feels as you take the first bite out of fresh fudge brownies. He is the ex that loved you unapologetically. Yet you left him because of the temptation by another.  

Temptation often seems to kill.          

They close the circle tighter and the group begins to whisper. Sinking into quicksand, you are stuck in place.

“GO!” he screams with tears in his voice when he sees you haven’t yet moved.

The powerful scream shoots chills into your lungs, you can hardly breathe. Your feet turn around and sprint out of the place that had once been your safe haven. You exit the darkness only to find you are now surrounded by nothing. There is only blackness around you; like space without the stars.

“ I want to live again! I miss him, and I miss them and I miss my mom...and...and...”  

You fall to your knees with your tears spilling into the palm of your hands.

“ You have learned,” The voice once again emerges.

Your tears begin to slow down but not enough for you to respond.

“ Life is not about happiness or despair or love. But all of those things combined. It's not only about the moments you love but about all the moments that showed you how harsh reality can be. Living can be a f*****g nightmare but it’s how you handle that nightmare that determines your character.”

You wipe your tears.

“ Sorry for crying.”

“ Tears do not make you weak for they droplets that form oceans. And a sign to me that you are ready”

“ Ready for what?”

“ You are ready to move on to a better place.”

“ Already?”

“ Yes, you have seen all the values of life.”

“ What happens to you?”

“ I will always remain apart of you.”

“ Thank you for everything.”

“ Thank yourself.”

You begin to smile uncontrollably; something that hasn’t happened in a long time.  

“ Okay,” You say after taking a deep breath.  “ I think I am ready to go to heaven.”

Without response, something about yourself feels whole again as if apart of you were missing. A white hole emerges in the distance. As it slowly moves towards you, the anticipation in your heart begins to rise.

“What will heaven be like?” You think to yourself.

As the white hole approaches you, you close your eyes. When you open them, confusion surrounds your mind. You look down at your body.

Naked and covered in blood, you begin to cry.

“ Is this heaven?”