FrankenFly

A really big problem solved by a very little mind

Tim Buckley

Copyright 2013©

 

 

Frankenfly

            "Okay, fly, get out!" I yelled at the multi-legged creature crawling on the floor. It was a fat, black one that constantly buzzed my head, but that I couldn't hit with the Mad Magazine I was reading. It eventually did go out the door. "Come back and I'll punch one of your thousand eyes out," I yelled after it. Guess I told that living germ hotel what for.

            Before the fly interrupted me, I was trying to fix a broken one-cup water heater. Basically, it is just a metal rod with an electrical cord that heats water when plugged in; shouldn't be too much to it. Let's see, cut this cord here, connect the wire to this razor blade like this, then attach the whatsit to this old toothbrush and--zzzztt,pop,zwing,fizzle--ta da! Now, to see if it works. Yes! It vibrates a little, but it does the job.

            There's that fly again.  As I rolled up Alfred E. Newman on Mad's cover, I said, "You're going to be missing more than a tooth; I'm changing your name from 'fly' to 'flew'." I swung. I missed. But the wind from my near miss made the Maggot Mother veer erratically into the window, where it bounced off and headed straight towards my electrified water.  "Hey fly, are you suicidal? Stay away from that water or you'll be a french fly."  Poof! Too late. Stupid fly, barbecued like a rib, nothing to spare.  Ruined my water, too. But wait. The cup is shaking…something bent the spoon in the cup and tossed it out; now there are big hairy eyes peering over the cup's lip. Speaking of lips, that kisser coming out from the cup is huge! It crawls, growing bigger and uglier by the second. Why, it's Frankenfly!

            Frankenfly was fist size before I realized its power source …electricity? How can electricity be giving that pest power? Aha! It isn't protons causing this overgrown pupae to be Godzilla big, but protein from the banana flavored weight-add powder for 90-pound sissies that I put in the cup. That's what created this beast of burden! Frankenfly knew it, too, and swan dived into the yellow powder sitting open on my bed. Giving my most intense karate “kia”, I angrily grabbed it and strangled its neck. Trouble was, it now weighed over 400 pounds. (This was getting to be a serious matter.)

            Recoiling in terror over my immense problem, I gave up all hope; that is, until--as fate usually has it--a simple comment from a simple man gave me an idea. Someone walking by my window said, "Nice pet, guy, but where are you going to get a dog poop big enough to feed it?" Of Course! They say you can catch more flies with honey, and what's honey to a fly!

            A daring plan, but what could I do? Frankenfly was now S.U.V. size. I piled 200 pounds of fly food into my neighbor's car--who is a grump sergeant in the U.S. Marines--and watched as he left for the marine base. The last I saw, Frankenfly was following him down the road. Later, this same neighbor told me that a marine jet was chasing a "U.F.O." over open ocean; oh, yeah, and that he and another 2,000 marines would never complain about a common housefly again. 

Reviews

[Marie]

WOnderful! You created a monster and got rid of it. An amazing story. Oh, and I hope you write many of them. Humour is needed on this site.