SciPhi

A guide to "Truth."

Tim Buckley

©2013

SCI-PHI

 

 

            “Greetings science worshipers and metaphysical fulfillment seekers.  I am Miss Directed, your guide to truth at today’s Science and Philosophy museum’s long awaited grand opening.  My qualifications to be your guide?  Well, not only am I a successful 25-year old genetics experiment with genes hand-picked for beauty and brains, but I am also a college graduate who majored in bi-lingual communications: I interpret science and philosophy jargon and I write every years Physicians’ Desk Reference--without a computer.

            “I do not believe in a god, and the first stop on our ‘Sci-Phi’ tour supports my view, and my faith in science.  It is the incredible 'Supernova' exhibit.  This showcase depicts a supernova exploding close to Mother Earth some two or three billion years ago, showering her primordial soup (man handler human bean style, ha, ha) with enzymes and amino acids.  From these, protein molecules formed, then life, and out slithered our ancestors.  This star-stud extravaganza was the first ‘fertilization,’ you might say; therefore, a supernova is either god or your father.  Being such, this display includes an altar for you who wish to offer sacrifice, and a paddle for spanking naughty boys and girls.  Now, any questions before we move on?”

            “Miss Directed, is it not true that the elements in protein would take 10234 billions of years to get the protein molecule needed for life--even under ideal conditions--and life on earth is limited to about two billion years?”

            “True, little boy, the odds life came to be by this theory is more than impossible.  But science states it, and I accept it.  Don’t you have any faith?”

            “Let’s move along to the 'Test Tube' exhibit. My favorite.  From this very tube crawled the world’s first test tube baby.  Me!  So keep your nose and grubby hands off her; I don’t handle your mother, do I?”        

 “Artificial insemination works like this: first, an egg cell is placed in a tube exactly like mom, here.  Then, from Southern California’s mordial slime, we find a man who we pay to enter our L.O.V.E. (Lust Over Virtually Everything) room, where he masturbates unabatingly while ogling photos of nude women.  Finally, we crack the sperm over the egg, and here I am!  Just think, gentlemen, you could be my daddy.  I could be anybody.  Who knows?

            “We conclude this tour with the promised morality display.  You will want to notice our condom machine section, as this is the closest example we have to sexual morality.  The prophylactics are free, and promise AIDS protection only when worn while not having sex.  Also, take heart from our teen abortion clinic.  Parents aren’t needed here to discuss options to abortion, as the kids have proven mature decision making by getting pregnant in the first place.  Furthermore, this showcase includes our morality source, the crystal ball from sooth’s most famous sayer 'Nostril Dam-Us' (who many say was reincarnated as Shirley McClain). 

            “Well I’ll be a mother of invention!  I almost forgot the hope chest.  The contents in it represent science and philosophy’s ultimate reality, the answer to life’s mysteries: An Oscar Meyer wiener!  That is what we truly want to be.  Me?  I could be a weenie already.  You never know with parents like mine.

            “That ends our tour for today.  I hope you visit again when our utilitarian display makes its debut.  In it, we will show you the latest in suicide machines.  They give ‘peace’ from Alzheimer’s and to anyone who can’t contribute to society.  True altruism.  My friend Miss Nomer will be your guide.  Until then, keep thinking, for there you are.”

           

 

                                     

 

               

 

 

 

Reviews

[Rebecca Buller]

A brilliant piece, Tim, and thank you for directing me to your work. I will have to read more when I have the time.

[Marie]

A very profound piece indeed. You're very good at this kid of satire.