Existentialism: E.N.D. A.A.A!

This is a personal essay I wrote, delving into some of my own philosophy.

Absurd. That’s all I saw from life. That it was absurd. I remember as a young girl, questioning why we lived at all. I questioned what my goals were. My mother would tell me it was to finish school, getting the best grades I could. Of course, then, my next question was what was next. I may have only been in elementary when these thoughts first surfaced, but I always thought ahead. What was going to happen once I walked out on stage and was handed my diploma? My mother told me that I had to go to college after. Ok? But what after I’d question her, myself, the world. As if I thought that it would send me a message to my next adventure, but even in my single digit age, I could see nothing much more. I started to question the point of life at all. Life seemed a walk-through, by which we told ourselves we were going somewhere certain and whether certain came or not, everything would have to be over without pure significance. By the age of nine it had occurred to me: humans were stupid. Their ignorance to the hollow hallway that they tread through seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, even years hurt my consciousness. It was all too mechanical for me.

    Albert Camus, an existentialist/ absurdist, detailed a story titled The Myth of Sisyphus. In this Sisyphus is a man condemned by the gods to roll a large rock to the top of a mountain. When the rock had reached the peak, it would go tumbling back to the bottom of the mountain and Sisyphus had to repeat rolling it back up the mountain. The gods had done this because they believed there was no greater punishment than to be forced to do meaningless and hopeless labor. It was mechanical. Not much a far throw from what we humans do now. We continue to do the same things over and over (work, school, getting ready, transportation) in a repetitive sequence. Of course, I questioned why anyone in their right mind would do these actions for no real value or reasoning. Many people may say that they did it to get luxuries that they have dreamed of happening, but could I not argue that most of those people never get what they dreamt of? And the ones that do, well… what do they do after? Come up with something new that they also may never achieve and only go through aggravation and irritation trying. But this may go into what the quality of life is and that’s not the point I am trying to make persay. Camus may bring up the thought of suicide. That some people may find life so absurd or meaningless that they may decide to end it all. But not me. To me, suicide is illogical and, therefore, has little point to it. Even though life may have this absurdity, it still allows millions upon billions of possibilities. Sure, suicide is a possibility; however, it has no other knowable possibilities attached to it. All possibilities, besides suicide, have millions more attached to them; therefore, suicide is an illogical action in my book.

    Camus also referred to Sisyphus again in his attempt to explain why suicide does not need to be the only answer. He comments that Sisyphus continues to roll the rock up the hill and does so without complaint and with content for his activity. Sisyphus is the hero. He has the ability to utilize this repetitiveness and allow himself to be better for it and above it’s punishment. I like this of the two options, Camus typically presents, more. Suicide or “enlightenment?” Why not pick the one that not only gives me the most possibilities, but it is also the one that may reap me the most reward regarding life. I may find life absurd, but Camus would argue that being aware of the absurdity that is life is how to truly find the edge of the absurd. The edge being a path less repetitive and full of adventure and “true” living.

    Although I still question life and the absurd, I guess I can accept the above results to my thinking. I have written, on my own time, a paper that details that the absurd may actually teach us about outside realities or an “afterlife.” I still don’t get the point of life and I’m not entirely sure what will happen as my life continues to fly forward; however, I will continue to question with the `goal of finding the meaning of life. Though for this essay, specifically, I’d say only Camus can truly summarize with this quote, “Basically, at the very bottom of life, which seduces us all, there is only absurdity, and more absurdity. And maybe that’s what gives us our joy for living, because the only thing that can defeat absurdity is lucidity.”

Author's Note

This is a personal essay. It was not specifically written to recite philosophical ideas. Yes, it does do that, it just wasn't necessarily the purpose, so don't review it that way please.