Birth Memory

Birth Memory (inspired by lyrics from the �CATS� Musical titled Memory) I posted this once before, but someone lost all the stories on here, so here it is again. Enjoy!

 

Birth Memory (inspired by lyrics from the “CATS” Musical titled Memory)

 

 

...Memory

All alone in the moonlight

I can smile at the old days

I was beautiful then

I remember the time I knew what happiness was

Let the memory live again...

 

I still think about the day that Jenifer entered my world — and what followed. Dark haired, light brown eyes, the sweetest, most vulnerable girl in the world. I wanted to protect her the moment I saw her.

 

My doctor tells me to write about it, to get it out of my system. A lot he knows. He’s never felt lost.

 

The memories are sharp and clear, even the sad ones. Maybe they're all sad. I had hoped that they would fade, grow ragged around the edges, but they haven't.

 

The month was May. In a year of deep famine in the third world countries. Fear of the bomb then  of terrorism. Not a great year to bring life into the world. May 8th.The day Jenifer was born.

 

...Midnight

Not a sound from the pavement

Has the moon lost her memory?

She is smiling alone...

 

The first real contraction woke her out of a sound sleep. I lay in the other twin bed thinking that the baby was kicking so low because it had dropped in the past week. It wasn't the first time she had been awakened by a hard kick.

 

From the room downstairs, I heard the laughter from her parents late-evening dinner party. I could feel the vibrations of the music in my bed. Next to me, Thom slept on, his breathing deep and even.

 

My parents always loved to entertain. The late-night noise didn't bother me. I could sleep through a hurricane. But not through this, I thought, as the next contraction hit me. I lay awake for an hour or so, waiting for the next, and the next. Two-thirty in the morning, they were ten minutes apart.

 

With all thoughts of kicking and possibly a bad case of indigestion dissolved, I reached over and shook Tommy wake, informing him that it, he or she, was on the way.

 

"D****t," he grumbled. "I have a chem test tomorrow." He got up and slipped on a pair of jeans. "Are you sure?"

 

I shrugged. "I think so."

 

"I'll go ell your dad to warm up the car." He pulled on a University of Maryland sweat. "Can you meet us outside?"

 

I said that I could, and he pulled on his jacket and walked out of the bedroom. My bag had been packed for two days, but I wasn't due for a week. Apparently the kid hadn't consulted my schedule or my physician, because another contraction hit while I was poking around, getting dressed.

 

My mom picked up my suitcase and purse and lead me down the stairs and out to the waiting car.

Dad was waiting, the motor running. We threw my stuff in the back and slid in.

 

"What took you so long?" he asked. "I was about to come in and get you. I thought you'd decided to have it in the house!"

 

"I think maybe it thought so."

 

Everyone smiled.

 

...In the lamplight

The withered leaves collect at my feet

And the wind begins to moan...

 

We made it to the hospital in one piece. They put me in a wheelchair and my parents signed a bunch of paperwork. Thom joined me in the labor room. I remember him being sweet, putting a washcloth on my forehead, holding my hand. I remember watching what was happening in the "rear view mirror" as he nicknamed it. He actually made me laugh when he whispered the suggestion we get one for ourselves, but nothing was funny when those pains hit me.

 

Once they held her up, not even cleaned off yet, I forgot about the sweat, the cursing, the tears—I stared in awe at the tiny, perfect creature squalling at the shock of this cold, unfamiliar place.

 

After they had cleaned us both, they took the baby to the nursery and wheeled me to a room. Thom and my parents joined me there, bringing me a rose and a pink teddy bear that rattled.

 

"Did you see her?" I asked him. He nodded as he sat next to me on the bed, putting his gift in my lap. "What did you think? Not bad for a first try, huh?"

 

His face was solemn and his brown eyes so bright I thought there might be tears in them. "I think we did great, Mommy."

 

Mommy. I was a mother. I could feel it like a weight in my chest.

 

"Me, too… Daddy." He looked so surprised that the tears I had been holding onto burst forth.

 

"Hey, there." Thom moved toward me, startled, concerned, putting his arm around me. I snuggled close to him, wanting to crawl inside his warmth and hide—even from myself. My tears wet his sweatshirt. "Hey, what's wrong?"

 

I pulled away, my eyes raw, my throat dry. "What do you think is wrong?"

 

He looked away, shaking his head.

 

"What am I going to do?" I croaked. His eyes flicked back to me. "What are we going to do?"

He shook his head. "It seemed really simple… before…"

 

He reached for me, holding me and kissing my forehead. We stayed that way a long time.

 

...Daylight

I must wait for the sunrise

I must think of a new life

And I musn't give in

When the dawn comes

Tonight will be a memory too

And a new day will begin...

 

She came in wearing a navy blue suit and carrying a little briefcase. She looked perfect and unrumpled at eight in the morning and I smoothed back Jill’s blonde mess.

 

I had stopped by before class, and stood to shake her hand, offering her a seat. My stomach was tight, my heart beating too fast.

 

"How are you, Jill?" she asked.

 

"Tired. And you, Mrs. Johnson?" Jill said as I rearranged the pillows behind her.

 

"Good." She smiled and put her briefcase down. "Call me Ellen. Makes all this a little bit easier."

 

I snorted but didn't say anything. Ellen was looking around the room at the two other women Jill shared it with. One was sleeping, and the other was watching the early morning news.

 

Ellen cleared her throat. "Well, I said I could give you a little information about the couple we found."

 

Jill looked over at me, but I was staring at the floor.

 

Ellen rummaged through her briefcase, pulling out some papers. "They have a little boy who is two. They adopted him. So she will have a big brother." She smiled at me. "He's a doctor. She sells Mary Kay. In fact—"

 

"Enough," I snapped. Ellen stopped, blinking at me. "You know what… I don't need to be reminded that we’re kids, and Jill doesn't need to know that this woman has time to waste selling make-up."

 

I stood, shoving the chair aside and walking toward the window. "I don't want to hear anymore."

 

Jill knew how much it stung.

 

"I'm sorry," Ellen said. She sounded sorry, but I couldn't seem to feel anything but resentment and dread when I looked at her. I was sure she was a nice person—but to me, she represented something not-so-nice.

 

Ellen touched Jill’s hand. "I just thought you'd like to know that she will be wanted—and she'll have a good home."

 

I stared at her perfectly manicured hand stroking her arm.

 

I turned from the window, his arms crossed over his chest. "Just because I can't afford to raise her, doesn't mean she isn't wanted."

 

I shoved my hands into my pockets and sent Jill a look before I walked out the door. It was quiet for a moment.

 

"He's upset," Jill said, feeling stupid. That was the most he had ever said about giving the baby up for adoption.

 

"I know," Ellen said, nodding. "I know it's hard. But you are giving this baby a great gift."

 

Jill sighed, picking at the edge of the hospital sheet. It was unraveling. I knew how it felt.

 

"Jill, I have to ask you this," Ellen hesitated, putting papers on the bedside tray next to he. "I will tell you up front that I think you should say ‘no.' It will be easier on you."

 

Jill looked up at her. "What?"

 

"These are the papers you need to sign. The agency policy allows you to sign them immediately—or you have the option of naming the baby, and taking the 2 days during the hospital stay to make up your mind. What would you like to do?"

 

Silence.

 

...Touch me

It's so easy to leave me

All alone with the memory...

 

Jill’s mind drifted back to when she was first told she was pregnant. Her parents were both shocked. She was only 15.  It shouldn't have been possible. Our decision had seemed so clear, so responsible.

 

Once I finally told him the truth about who the father was, I remembered how he had been there through it all with me—the morning sickness, feeling the baby kick for the first time. This baby wasn't an "it" anymore. It was a "she," and it was part of us, a part of me and a part of him. Could I let her go without having known her, even for a moment?

 

Ellen was waiting for an answer. I looked up a the doorway. Thom was standing there. His eyes were red.

 

"I'll take the two days," I said.

 

Ellen frowned, her brow creasing. "You're entitled to it," she said, as if she thought I shouldn't be. She looked at her watch. "I have another appointment."

She put her papers back into her briefcase. "I'll see you on the seventeenth."

 

Thom passed her as he came into the room. He sat on the edge of the bed.

 

"Where did you go?"

 

"To see the baby."

I looked up as a nurse came into the room. "Hi, there! Jill, are you ready for her?"

 

She was holding the baby, my baby, in her arms.

 

Was I ready?

 

"Yes," I said. She left the baby and a four-ounce bottle, shutting the curtain around the bed when she left.

 

The baby's eyes were half-closed and she was sucking greedily on two fingers. I uncapped the bottle and stuck it into her mouth. She began sucking.

 

"She's so little." Thom put his fingers near her hand, and she curled her fingers around it. "Look at that, Jill! She has a helluva grip! She's definitely going to be able to hold her own!"

 

Our eyes met. "She'll have to."

 

I looked down at her, still not comprehending that this was what had kicked me and kept me from sleeping on my stomach for the last few months.

 

"We can name her," I said.

 

"I'm no good at names." He grinned sheepishly. "Besides, I was expecting a boy."

 

"Well, what if it was a boy?"

"Gregory," he said, touching her cheek. "After my friend."

 

Gregory was his artistic friend from grade school who had died two years ago.

 

"I unofficially christen you Jenifer." I kissed her forehead. It was soft and wrinkly and smelled impossibly sweet.

 

...Of my days in the sun

If you touch me

You'll understand what happiness is...

 

"Jill?" My voice was behind her, and I moved to put my hands on her shoulders. "She's not in the nursery. Did they—?"

 

"I signed it," Jill said flatly, looking out in to the hospital parking lot where cars were lined up in geometrical patterns in the fading sunlight. "Ellen wants you to call her."

 

"Oh." I moved away to sit in one of the orange chairs. "Can we still see her? I mean… one last time?"

 

She did not answer. Still looking out at the spaces being emptied and filled, and silence filled the room up here. The other two women she had roomed with had been released. Jill was free to go, now, too.

 

"Will we regret this?" My voice was hoarse. She looked at me for the first time, seeing how bright her eyes were.

 

"Do you want to?"

 

She looked back out into the parking lot. Cars still crept their way in and out of the resting places, as they had all day, and would, even after we left.

 

...Look

A new day has begun...