Recalling

A girl tries to kill herself, ends up in a coma, and finds herself trapped inside her head.

Recalling

I could feel every cell cling to life. My heart was pounding in my chest-- stop stop. stop stop this nonsense. The wind was screaming from the outside, it’s pitch rising with the speedometer, but my mind was the eye of the tornado. Everything from the past two weeks had been blocked out. I didn’t fight it, things had hit a dead end. 

My foot was the only thing I controlled. It took an extraordinary amount of effort to hold it down, keep it down. Survival skills kick in at moments like these, but I had built up my tolerance to reflexes. I swung the wheel to the right, letting my foot peck the brake. 

I choked on my scream as I reached the edge, but let it go as I flew.

I open my eyes, half aware. I feel fuzzy, weightless. I’m sitting cross-legged in damp grass with odoriferous flowers blooming all around me. Children are playing somewhere but they’re not too loud. There’s just a few faraway laughs. A sharp sensation pushes the thought of my sister into my head, damn it feels like it’s been forever. where’d she go again? The thought passes as I’m watching the sky unfold into a palette of breathtaking blues, I pick a color and paint the sea. It comes alive with a million different types of life. The sparkling surface is broken by exotic creatures, some I’ve only ever imagined before;  with gold scales, or green, eels with mustache whiskers, and dragons with flippers. 

There’s mist surrounding me, its falling over my shoulders. Enveloped in a blanket of sunshine; never have I been so comfortable. Everything seems brighter, prettier. I look up and smile. This is a sanctuary. I’m free here, there’s a tingling in my bones telling me so. For the first time since maybe eleven, I feel in control. I run around, bathing in the river of imagination; indulging in childhood curiosity. Back to when seeing always meant believing and I could be a princess if I wanted to be. Cold, dusty corners of myself are warmed by the radiance. I don’t know how long it’s been since I felt this good, without the good. I feel light, happy. I’d always wanted to fly and so the wind picks me up with a cloud.  

--

I’m in a studio now, surrounded by my work. The landscapes, the people, the still lives all smiling back at me. I can’t remember painting them, but I feel an artists’ pride. Passion fills the room. I bathe in self love and ambition. I’d gotten preoccupied and hadn’t painted in a while. It seems like the silliest thing in the world, now.  

I set off to the garden. A mirage of my mom waves to me, she leaves laughing before I’m close enough to shout. Left behind is the melody she’d hum as I shadowed her strategic movements in the soil. I can’t see the house, but it doesn’t bother me that it’s not there. Since I’m here, I pick a basket of the finest sensations; light touches, deep kisses, warm embraces. This garden’s endless, it has a shed in the middle. I hop up to the door and find it to be, oddly, my old bedroom. The slightest smell of smoke smothers my senses for only a second, then I conquer the mountain of pillows, and drift away. 

--

I’m on a beach, with pockets of gold glittering above the deep blue surface of the horizon. They cover the sky, twinkling, teasing me because they are so magical. I reach up and fish one out, then another, and another until I have fastened myself a crown of stars, I place it on my head and soak in overwhelming goodness. It seems too good; my nervous system twitches, I feel the ache for a fix. I devours me for a second, and I’m overwhelmed with disgust, refusal to further the sensation or thought. 

--

I race through the woods, no sense of direction, randomly picking my path. I connect with the earth. Searching for the berries that will flavor the wine that will nourish my soul and heal my wounds. There’s no scar, no cut to remind me of my first failing attempt to die. The dirt from the past is washed away, entirely forgotten. Leaving me to start anew, and learn from the demons that I’ve left. The birds sing to me as I lay underneath drooping branches, gently putting my soul to sleep. The world feels damp, heavy.

 I’m sinking. Slowly being devoured by the mossy forest floor.

    --I’m back again and

I’m falling into a canyon filled with cherry jello. I slurp it up and laugh at how ridiculous it sounds. The whole thing is ridiculous, really, but I do it again. The joke won’t get old here. I dive down, and explore the depths of my mind. Ocean water fills my lungs, and I’m choking. I grasp into the nothingness and pull myself onto a dock. I find my dad there, he’s looking right through me. His face is blurred, no emotions to be read. I begin to shake from the cold sweats,and my agitation grows, I begin yelling, but he’s frozen. He never really had anything to say unless it came to my habits, then he’d smother me with life lessons. In one ear, out the other. Maybe it was better he didn’t have a mouth now. 

--

I’m dropped in a nest of vines, they’re hanging from the trees of creativity. I draw contours curvy because nothing is ever straightforward. The shadows fall over them, separating the light and the dark. The twists and turns take me down a slide that spirals out of control. I lose myself in colors, shapes, music. A beat grows steady out of the chaos. I close my eyes, focused on the thumping. What could that be?

--

When I open them, I’m on the edge of a highway in the middle of winter. The narrow road curves along a sharp drop of the mountain side. I look out into the valley and sigh, relieving my lungs of the weight from all worries and doubts that I try to escape. I have the vaguest sense that I’ve been here before. Things seemed desolate, no birds or squirrels. All life tucked away with the ones they love, protecting each other from the b******s of the world. I feel completely alone.  I breathe in the icy air, and let myself mull over the melancholy mountainside.. The wind picks up and I am thrown in a whirlwind.

I hear screaming, yelling. 

“You undeserving b***h.”

“Don’t you know anything about control?”

The sky is dark, unforgiving. There’s a blazing fire and my heart is slaughtered by the reality of what is real. Outside of this.

--

 Everything here is always changing. The places I left were now someplace new. My head aches, I can’t remember where I’d been, or what I’d been doing. This world is frivolous. Unsustainable, how does anyone live like this? Does anyone live like this? How did I get here? Things are spinning, turning to static. Buzzing grows louder and louder until I fall to my knees, with my hands over my ears. It doesn’t help, it traps the sound, intensifying the roar. 

It’s in my head. It’s in my head! I’m in my head. Fear grips me. What have I done? My breathing quickens, threatening a sob. I’m holding back white hot tears, and my heart is pounding in my chest, but I hear it all around me. I’m attuned to my surroundings, I can hear machines beeping, people breathing. A door closes. 

“Feel free to talk to her, experts say it helps with the healing process.” A doctor touches the middle aged woman on the right shoulder and then tap, taps off in her heels down the quietest hall in the hospital. Anna’s sunken body is molded into the mattress, her blond hair long and oily on one side. The staples, on the other, have started to heal. Things are looking up. The mother thinks back on the fifteen years of Anna’s life; they’d always been a team. There wasn’t anyone Mary felt closer to than Anna, it had been painful to watch the monster consumer her sweet girl, and the repercussions were more than devastating, but nothing would hurt more than losing her. Mary said another pray and then began to speak.  

“You have singlehandedly ruined all that this family has built up.” Tingles of heat flame up underneath her skin, the feeling of anger that hasn’t been worked though. “Your father’s taken Sophie away, he won’t speak to me.” Heartbreak spills out on the tiled floor, Anna’s finger twitch goes unnoticed.   

My moms voice lends me to memory. Flames shoot into the sky, I watch them laugh as they devour the Victorianhouse from my place in the back of a cop car, a layer of sweat seals my legs to the leather seats. I see my mother stoop down and engulf Sophie into her arms. Trying to shield the three year old from trauma. She sets the babies chest against her shoulder, my sister looks at me now searching for a reassuring smile. It reminds me of the moments when I’d pick her up from the dirt when I was trying to teach her how to ride a bike. All I really did was teach her how to fall. I try to muster up a smile, it’s the least I can do, but it’s meek and unconvincing. I see her begin to cry. 

My mom pets Sophie’s blond curls, slowly rocking her back and forth. She looks back at me, her eyes meet mine for a second, and then she walks across the yard towards my father. He’s standing with two cops as they watch the firefighters wrangle the beast in, drenching what is left of the house. I’d taken a heavy dose of morphine and had been feeling pretty nice until the smell of smoke pulled me out of my heavenly daze. I’d left the stove on and something had caught fire. It smelled like grease. My movements were slowed and I couldn't take control of the situation. I fell back against the kitchen wall, desperately trying to dial 911. 

“911, what is your emergency?” I managed to choke out the important words between coughs, crawling my way through the dining room. The room was spinning, and I couldn't keep myself steady. I had to have fallen on my side at least a dozen times before I made it into the front yard. I looked up into the starry sky and let the numbness sink back in while I waited for someone else to save the day. 

It wasn’t hard for the cops to decide who was at fault, and how the fire came to be. An burly officer picked me up off the ground, his arms were size of my head.

“You stay in here and gather yourself. What’ll happen next will be decided when your parents get home.” He slammed the door and left me feeling small in the backseat of his charger. I don’t remember anyone else showing up or even the sirens of the firetrucks, but as I sit back in my seat, I watch my parents discuss my fate. 

“He won’t have anything to do with you, but I can’t desert you. You’re my princess. Besides we've already proven how much better we are without him.” Mary’s voice cracks as she breaks into tears. “Please come back to me, Anna. I need you.”   

I’m trying. The thought echos in my head as I search for my consciousness. Maybe facing the consequences wouldn't be so hard with her on my side. I think I’m the type of person only a mother can love.