Pain and confusion

I came to a conclusion about my life. Here it is.

I sit here in my living room on my couch with my cat Bogy next to me. In front of me is a glass of vodka, a can of beer, and a bowl of weed. The television is on. I haven't eaten much in the last two weeks. I'm weak, somewhat disorientated. I just want to sleep with Paige and Nabi. My other two cats. A couple of days ago I realized that I have been an alcoholic for over 35 years.

There were variations of sickness. Fall down drunk, blackout drunk, Poop in your pants drunk. Or just, everything is okay, and I'm fine drunk. Right now I'm 60 years of age, and alcohol really doesn't have that much effect on me. Not that I noticed, but friends sometimes notice that I would stagger at times. Right now I'm drinking a nutritional supplement because I'm not eating. I'm lonely, confused, and I realize that friends are a matter of distance.

I can't really reach out an touch anyone. It's all Facebook. I've called the suicide hot-line twice. I was in a dark place that no one would understand. Was I going to kill myself? I was very close. There's no way to explain it. The pain that you experience with depression and addiction, may not be the pain of a wound, but that's why it's so frustrating. The pain is psychological, and slowly turns to physical when you don't eat, or you drink too much, or you addicted to something that really isn't helping. It's a constant invisible pain that you go through all day every day. It's hard for people to understand this.

The reason I am alive is because of the three furry kids that I have. One of which is very sick, and I count the days. I recently came out to my Facebook friends and let them know that I was sick. I noticed a couple of things. Friends or so-called friends are somewhat fickle. Some support you, while others avoid you. Some ignore your situation and act as if you never said it. Then there are others that shock you by letting you know that they are struggling with the same or similar situations.

It's funny how addiction can bring out the honesty in a human being. Many people don't understand addiction. In their opinion, you should just suck it up and stop complaining. They might be right. What they don't understand is the fact that sometimes the beast is simply to big and powerful. An addiction or disease takes over everything that you thought you were in control of. Most of the time you don't even know it's happening. Suddenly your life just gets out of hand. Things seem normal, and you believe you are living a normal life, but in reality. Things are spiraling out of control.

The hardest thing about addiction is denial. If you're a 60-year-old veteran like me, you don't ask for help. You have everything under control. Then one day you realize that you don't. You come to the conclusion that all that you have gone through in life, couldn't help you defeat the beast. Right now I have pain in my body because I don't eat. I have pain in my head because my brain wants to escape. I just want to sleep. I suffer from depression, am bipolar. No one really understands.

I don't understand, and on top of all that, I'm an alcoholic. My father was a hopeless alcoholic, and they say that alcoholism is hereditary. I don't want to blame the father that I had seen three times in my life, but knowing where it came from gives me the tools to fight. Yet right now. Right now there is a discomfort-ability. Both in my body and in my mind. I can't explain it-no one would get it. I just have to deal with it. It isn't easy. Some mornings I wake up having to puke. I have three cats and one is really sick. One is a possessive, jealous guy that doesn't know how to retract his claws. The third has been ripped out of a past life. Situations can make life harder, or more enjoyable.

Situations in my life have brought nothing but hardship. Now I have had good times in my life. Yet life never gave me a reason to not get high or drunk. People have shown me their good side and their bad. So has life. Doctors are worried about my liver. I worry about the want to live. It's slow suicide. I just want to outlive my furry kids. Then life means nothing to me. Other than my felines there is nothing keeping me here.

Facebook friends don't do it. I don't have any family, or friends that really matter. There are some, but they have their lives, and I have become a blip. I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy. The world has really bad, and it has really good people. There are places and things in life that I would love to see. The leaning tower of Pisa. The pyramids, the grand canyon. Personally. I am so f*****g confused right now. There are a million things in my mind, but only so much time. I bought two Bagels with cream cheese and a sausage egg and cheese flatbread. I still have the bagels. When you are a guy like me. You don't want people feeling sorry for you. This means that it may take some time for you to reach out. Or maybe you never do. I've realized that to beat the beast. You need to reach out...