Dogma in Detention

Written in an hour for my creative writing class back in May. Meant to be humorous and full of typos because...well, I wrote it an hour before it was due.

 

Dogma in Detention

By: Tatiana, Sean, and Seth

 

Characters

Jesus: Son of God, a bit of hippie, symbol of Catholics and all Christian branches

Alla - Muslim leader, the "jock" of the group, a bit of a hothead and stuck on himself

Buddha -Buddhist leader, a calm, relaxed guy who everyone looks to

Chuck Norris - the guy everyone looks up to and no one wants to mess with, usually quiet and judgmental and only speaks when he feels it is necessary

God - principal of the school, very strict and doesn't cut anyone any slack

Pope John Paul II - detention monitor, relaxed about some rules but still follows them

 

Plot

Jesus, Alla, Buddha, and Chuck Norris are stuck in detention together for vandalizing the boy's bathroom with their religious symbols and constantly bicker with each other for the 45 minute detention period.

 

[Scene One]

Jesus, Alla, and Buddha are all in the boy's bathroom. Each are in an individual stall with the door open. Jesus has a can of spray paint, Buddha has permanent markers, and Alla has a switchblade. Each of them are putting their symbols and sayings on the stalls and talking loudly amongst each other.

 

Jesus: (spray painting the 10 Commandments beneath a cross) Man, you know, like, this is the best ever. My religion, I mean. Dude, you have no idea.

 

Alla: (sounding exasperated) If you keep blabberin' about how great it is I will use your skin as the wall for my teachings.

 

Jesus: Dude, what is it with you and violence? Can't we just be friends?

 

Alla: I could never be friends with a fool such as you.

 

Jesus: Harsh man. Really dude, we should just get along.

           

Alla: Why? So you can demean my beliefs?

 

Jesus: No dude, so we can chill. Plus I'm not demeaning them. I only speak the truth.

 

Alla: Keep talkin' and see where my foot ends up.

 

Jesus: Dude, lay off the 'roids. Gettin' a little too touchy over there.

 

Alla: You--

 

Buddha: (amused) Guys, you're fighting over nothing. Besides, we all know that Buddhism is the way to go. Peace and relaxation man, none of this dying for sins and praying all day.

 

Jesus: Yeah, but you're religion makes people fat.

 

Buddha: No it doesn't, it relaxes you. Meditating is key--

 

Alla: Really? 'Cause its done wonders on that keg you call a belly.

 

Buddha: (laughing) I'm in shape--

 

Jesus: Just because round is a shape doesn't mean you're "in shape".

 

Alla: (laughing) Good one.

 

Buddha: (shrugging) Fine, whatever. You can cut me off all you want, but I know my way is the best way. I don't need the whole school kissing my arse to believe in myself.

 

Alla: What's that supposed to mean, tubby?

 

Buddha: (grinning) Nothing.

 

Jesus: No really man, what is that supposed to mean?

 

Buddha: (nonchalantly) Nothing, just that you two are so insecure in your religions that you are constantly at each others throats.

 

Jesus: Well thats just because Alla is wrong.

 

Alla: (angry) I'm wrong?

 

Buddha: No, its because you feel the need to prove to everyone that you are right because you yourselves are unsure if you are right.

 

Jesus: Dude...that's deep.

 

Alla: You both are idiots, especially you, Jesus. I think those paint fumes are getting to your head.

 

Jesus: I know man, its great!

 

Buddha: (continuing) And that is why I'm right, 'cause I believe in myself.

 

Alla: So says the after-school-special.

 

Jesus: (laughing) It's a during-school-special!

 

Alla: You keep on killing brain cells for me, why don't you? Then all your followers can flock to me when they see what an air head you are.

           

Buddha: These Sharpies aren't helping my cause either, ugh.

 

Alla: You too Buddha, then we'll see who has the most influence.

 

Buddha: That's not cool, why are you starting in on me?

 

Alla: Because you're both idiots.

 

Jesus: Dude, wanna say that to my face? Or are you going to hide behind your wall over there?

 

Alla: (stepping out from the stall) You wanna take this outside?

 

[Chuck Norris walks in, glaring at Alla and then peeking into the stalls at Jesus and Buddha]

 

Chuck: What's going on in here?

 

Jesus: Provin' a point man.

 

Chuck: And that point is?

 

Alla: That I have the best religion, not lardo or daddy's boy.

 

Chuck: (shaking his head) Not this junk again.

 

[God walks in]

 

God: (bellowing) What;s going on in here?

 

[Alla hides the knife behind his back and Buddha and Jesus throw their graffiti-materials in the toilets, Buddha slams the door shut and pretends to go to the bathroom and Jesus stumbles out of his stall]

 

Jesus: (flustered) Hey Dad, how's it going with all those fun administrative duties?

 

God: (glaring at Jesus) What are you boys doing in here?

 

Buddha & Chuck: (simultaneously) Bathroom.

 

Alla: Nothing.

 

Jesus: (trying to walk past God) Going to class.

 

God: (puts his arm out to stop Jesus) Uh-huh, so is that why it smells like Sharpies and spray paint? I was not aware the cafeteria food could do that to one's digestive tract.

 

[Buddha starts laughing from within the stall]

 

God: (continuing sternly) I want to see all of you boys in my office now.

 

Chuck: I was actually trying to go to the bathroom--

 

God: (rolling his eyes) Yeah, and so is Buddha. I expect you to be there Mister Norris.

 

Chuck: Do you know who I am?

 

God: Yes, Chuck Norris, and I don't care what the students say about you. You are to be in my office.

 

[God leaves the bathroom]

 

Chuck: (to all three in a clam but threatening manner) You guys are going to pay for this

 

[End Scene One]

 

 

[Scene Two]

 

Jesus, Alla, Buddha, and Chuck are seated in front of the principals desk, God on the other side.

 

God: (sternly) I'm disappointed in all of you boys. Defacing school property! What were you thinking?

 

Jesus: (not looking up) Sorry Dad...

 

Chuck: (annoyed) I wasn't doing anything!

 

Buddha: Neither was I!

 

God: (to Buddha) Then how do you explain why, on the inside of your stall, it said "Rub a Buddha belly, its good luck" with some sort of odd caricature of you?

 

Buddha: (snickering) then tries to put on a serious face) I have no idea, sir.

 

Chuck: I really didn't do anything!

 

God: Enough out of you. I know how you boys work, walking around the school like you're a bunch of macho guys, showing off all the special things you can do just because you feel like it. I've had enough! You're religious icons, not divas.

 

Alla: Well that's only Jesus--

 

God: (angrily) Enough I said! (rubs his temples in frustration) I know you all have a rivalry with each other, but school is not the place for it. Yeah, I know you all want to spread the word and have people look up to you, but what kind of message are you sending when you go around vandalizing school property?

 

[There is a long silence]

 

God: (tapping a pen on the surface of his desk) Look, here is what I'm going to do. I'm letting all of you off easy. You're all staying after school in detention. This is your warning. If something like this happens again, don't expect me to be easy on you.

 

Alla: Are you serious? I have to go home right after school!

 

God: Well it looks like you're not going to. If you don't want to be suspended for a week, especially seeing as you brought a weapon to school, you are going to serve your detention in full.

 

Jesus: Dad, can't you just--

 

God: Not another word out of you, mister! Just because I'm your father does not mean you get special privileges. Your mother and I will deal with you later.

 

Jesus: (mumbling) Great...

 

Chuck: (incredulously) I can't believe this! I went to go pee and saw these bunch of idiots in there and I'm getting in trouble for it?

 

God: Do you honestly expect me to believe you weren't doing anything? You shove freshman into their lockers and throw desks around to prove how tall and might you are. You really expect me to put bathroom vandalism past a record like that?

 

Chuck: (crossing his arms over his chest) Yes, yes I do.

 

God: Well, I don't. Now deal with it.

 

Chuck: You know what? Chuck Norris doesn't get sent to detention, detention gets sent to him!

 

Buddha: (rolling his eyes) Not this again....

 

God: The four of you better be on time, and if John tells me that you guys are misbehaving in there then I am suspending all of you and charging all of you the cost of cleaning and replacing the stalls. Are there any more complaints?

 

[There is another long silence]

 

God: (continuing) Good. Now go to class and stay out of troubles.

 

[All grumbling to themselves, they trudge out of the office]

 

[End Scene Two]

 

 

[Scene Two]

 

Jesus, Alla, Buddha, and Chuck are sitting in small desk in a tiny room with Pope John Paul II sitting at the front behind a desk writing. Buddha his sitting cross legged into his desk in a very uncomfortable position and meditating, Alla is cleaning his fingernails with his knife, Chuck is sitting very still with his fists clenched, and Jesus is drawing colorful mushrooms on his desk in marker.

 

John: Alla, put the knife away, you know that is against the rules. And Jesus, stop drawing on the desk.

 

[Alla puts the knife away]

 

Jesus: What do you expect me to do? I'm bored.

 

John: You could do some homework.

 

Jesus: That's boring.

 

John: You're such a smart kid, why don't you get good grades?

 

Alla: Because he's too busy killing brain cells and acting like an idiot.

 

Jesus: (snidely) At least I could get good grades if I wanted to, your little peanut brain couldn't find its way out of a wet plastic bag.

 

Chuck: (confused) That's not how the... (exasperated and mumbling) Never mind, its not worth it.

 

Alla: Are you retarded? Really? Or are you permanently high?

 

Jesus: High on life man.

 

Alla: (sarcastically)Yeah, and Buddha is fat on air.

 

Buddha: (opening his eyes) I'm just big boned.

 

Alla: Yeah, you're right. You're just one of those guys whose ribs cage is made of pudding and happens to cover your entire torso.

 

Chuck: (rolling his eyes) Oh will you just shut up? All you do is babble and bicker and gripe all day. Shut up, seriously.

 

John: Chuck Norris, that is inappropriate. Calm down.

 

Chuck: Really? Me? Inappropriate? These guys are snapping at each other and the moment I say "shut up" I get in trouble? You have got to be kidding me.

 

John: (calmly) I never kid, my child.

 

Chuck: (bothered) I am not "your child". (cross arms over his chest and slouches back in his seat)

 

Jesus: Careful dude, you look so mad its like a vein is gonna pop outta your head or somethin'.

 

Chuck: (forcefully) With good reason!

 

John: Lower your voices, you kids aren't even supposed to be talking right now. You're lucky I'm letting you do that. I can't understand you boys, messing up school property.

 

Buddha: I am just trying to spread the word of my teaching through comical gestures.

 

John: I don't think coloring pictures of yourself in permanent marker in the bathroom is the best way to go about it.

 

Alla: (to John but looking at Jesus menacingly) Well, not everyone has the sway Christianity does.

 

Jesus: Why are you looking at me?

 

Alla: Well, let's see. We have God as the principal and his son being the leader of the burnouts, oh, and not to mention the Pope as our detention monitor. It's all biased!

 

John: That is not so. I only lead the Catholics, and they are few and far between my child.

 

Alla: I am not your child!

 

Jesus: what about you, Alla, huh? I bet half of your followers only joined you so they could get out of class to go "pray" or whatever it is you do. You guys are just ditching!

 

Alla: (furiously) How dare you say such things! I have half the mind to cut you down!

 

Jesus: (laughing defiantly) I'd like to see you try!

 

Alla: (jumps up) You wanna go, sandal-boy?

 

John: (strongly but not upset) Boys! Sit down! I will call the principal down here if you continue to cause a ruckus!

 

[Jesus and Alla glare at each other for a long time before Alla sits back down]

 

John: (continues with the same tone) Thank you. I don't want to get you in trouble anymore, but such strong words and actions will make me call him down.

 

Jesus: (mumbling) Sorry.

 

Buddha: You guys just need to sit and meditate and clear your minds.

 

Chuck: (laughs) Yeah right. You all just need to shut up.

 

Buddha: You know what, I don't even know what religion you are.

 

Chuck: (leaning towards Buddha and speaking quietly) You know what? I don't believe in any of the nonsense the three of you babble. I have my own religion.

 

Jesus: Really? And what is that?

 

Chuck: Chuckism.

 

Alla: Chuckism? What is that? Something you pulled out of your arse?

 

Chuck: (straight faced) No, I am my own religion, my own god. You idiots didn't create your religions or even the concept. I did. You are all just little copies.

 

Buddha: (amused) Wow! Jesus, you should hit up the guy Chuck Norris gets his stuff from.

 

Jesus: I should! Oh my Dad, that's so ridiculous!

 

Chuck: (casually) Laugh all you want, its true. Religion didn't create Chuckism, Chuck Norris created religion.

 

Alla: (calmly) You know, Chuck Norris, I used to like you because you didn't say much of anything (becoming irate) but now I hate you. What a stupid thing to say! Just shut your mouth--

 

Jesus: (waving his hand) "--before I shut it for you". Yeah, we get it, you are violent and on steroids and blah, blah, blah.

 

Alla: Why do you think I'm on steroids?

 

Jesus: (shrugging) Dude, there has to be a reason why you're always freakin' out. But hey, whatever floats you boat man.

 

Buddha: That's probably why he has so many male followers, they all get ripped on 'roids together and enjoy bonding through gluteus injections.

 

Jesus: Gluti-wha?

 

Buddha: Steroid injections via butt muscle.

 

Jesus: (blinks repeatedly as he processes it) Dude... (to Alla) Dude, that's messed up.

 

Alla: (shouting) I don't do steroids!

 

John: Stop it! All you with you foolish banter, stop it! Do you want me to call the counselor down here?

 

Chuck: The counselor? Ghandi? If you bring that skinny, peace loving wack-job down here I'm going to throttled his skinny neck. Chuck Norris doesn't need a counselor, Chuck Norris--

 

Jesus: Dude, seriously, what is with that third person stuff?

 

Chuck: (shrugging) It helps me prove my point.

 

Buddha: It makes you sound like a schizo.

 

Chuck: (mumbling) Whatever.

 

John: Why don't you all just stop arguing?

 

Alla: Jesus starts it! All he does is look like a squinting zombie and talk about how cool his religion is and it is not. The fundamentals are all wrong, wrong I say!

 

Buddha: And yours are right?

 

Alla: Are yours?

 

Buddha: (smugly) Yes, yes they are.

 

Jesus: Psha, whatever man, Christianity is where its at.

 

John: How about you all are right?

 

[Everyone's attention turns to John]

 

Jesus: I thought you wer eon my side.

 

John: Well, I am partial to Catholiscism, but what if you all are right? There are many good things in each of your religions--well, expect Chuckism because that is just ridiculous. So why not agree upon the aspects that you all agree on and work together to properly guide people? You fighting is needless and tears apart your people.

 

Buddha: (rubbing his belly as he thinks) I think he's onto something.

 

Alla: Perhaps...

 

Chuck: I take great offense to your words.

 

Jesus: Dude, I think he's right. I'll declare a truce if you all will.

 

Alla: (sighing) If it will keep me out of trouble, then for now, yes. Truce.

 

Buddha: No objections here.

 

Chuck: (not looking at them) Whatever.

 

John: (smiling) Very good! I'm going to go tell God, he will be pleased. While I'm gone, discuss amongst yourselves and give out apologies where they are do.

 

[John gets up and leaves the room]

 

Alla: (turns around in his desk to look at the door, then back at Jesus and Buddha) Just so you know, I lied.

 

Jesus: Me too, I just wanted him to shut up.

 

Chuck: Same.

 

Buddha: (seeming sincere) Really? I thought he was really onto something (then he grins) I'm just kidding, I still hate all of you and your dumb religions.

 

Chuck: As long as teachers are around, lets just stay out of each other's way. But when the end of days comes, we'll be seeing who has who on their sides.

 

[They all nod in agreement and there is a long silence. The door opens as John comes back in]

 

Jesus: (quickly whispering) Just so you all know, I'm right and you're all wrong.

 

[They all glare at Jesus but stay quiet]

 

John: I'm so proud with the four of you for reaching an agreement, and so is God, we decided to let you boys leave early. You're free to go.

 

[They all jump up and rush to the door, shoving each other out of the way to get out. God walks in as they leave and goes up to John]

 

John: You realize they still hate each other?

 

God: (smiling) Yes, but at least it will keep them from acting like idiots at school.

 

[End of Scene Three]

 

The End

 

Author's Note

Ignore typos and grammar problems, written on the fly and placed up out of amusement!

Reviews

[Stephen Scaggs]

Okay, I have to admit that this was pretty funny if you don't take it seriously. But Christians don't really live under the "ten commandments." The Ten Commandments were under the incomplete law of Moses. Christ came to abolish the law (enmity) between the Jews and Gentiles. After he abolished the old law, the Jews were no longer the children of God but the Christians were. And I don't personally believe that the Catholic Church is the first church since the word Catholic when broke down to its original language means pretty much part of the whole, or universal. But this word appears only in the creed books that came after the Bible.

Sorry for that, I don't mean to "rant" about my religion; but this is hilarious still! Ha ha. :P I give your screen play a 8.5/10 for creativitiy and originality.