Affection

affection to a toxic extremity.. it get's worse.

 "He fuels an eternal passion within me  as he folds me into him like the magnificent essence of a precious dream. A moment in his embrace is the truest form of 'warm and fuzzy' because his affection is of a vigorous and fiery nature. He instils in me a radiating sense of bliss with only half a smile. He kisses me with a zeal that assures me that I'm  everything he wants."

 

Despite wanting nothing more than to let him go, I can't. I am stuck in a prison of my heart's making. Perhaps that's a part of "the healing process"

 

The thought of not engaging in any form of contact with him ever, is beyond excruciating. He's more meaningful to me than taking a breath upon waking and I'm everything he doesn't want. I'm incapable of removing his existence from my very soul. From my spirit. From the origins of my thoughts. He's the keeper of my smile.

 

I cannot describe how he made me feel without exhausting certain adjectives... and now, a life of gloom and emptiness awaits me in the sights of our dead relationship. A life I must solely will myself to embrace.

 

Ours could have been the epitome of real and beautiful companionship, unfortunately it refused to live up to its potential. As he swiftly exited our space , he didn't erase the memory of his presence in it.

 

My affection for him was perhaps aggressive. I loved him with a tenacity that he may not have been prepared to welcome. And in turn, he buried me like a shameful secret.

 

I choose, however, not to surrender to my excruciating defeat. It is a heavy cloud of darkness that holds my freedom captive.

 

I can be everything I want  to be. I just have to abandon all the annoying traits that insist on clinging to me. My biggest affliction is the desperation with which I attempted to retain his affection.

 

The possibility of his memory of me being that of a pathetic, lifeless being whose attention he regrets awakening.  What he doesn't understand though is that it was not merely my attention he captured. It was an untamed , wild, undying flame of passion that he naturally awakens in me.

 

If I can manage to discard my affection for him... if I can turn away from and ignore the flare of feelings that consume me as my mind not-so-accidentally stumbles upon him, his smile, his talent, his effortless physical and intellectual beauty, I might recover.

 

If I can ditch the aura of perfection in his presence and my spirit can flee from the mesmerism of his being, I could have pure, unadulterated freedom.

 

I could detach my mind from the memories of his zealous kisses and my heart from the sweetness of his words.. The memories of his unwittingly adorable laugh and his undeniably spirited persona, I could make actual progression in my frail  attempt to stop caring. I could actually heal. I could have real and carefree happiness.

Author's Note

I'm that delightful combination of daring and clumsy :>
I haven't been able to release this piece for the longest time, but it's here now. Cause I'm free, completely.

the different fonts represent the particular stages of that relationship.