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Attraction

Attraction

A Poem by RTB
"

Everything will get better right?

"
In the start yeah the plan was you and I,
But in the end all our relations just need to die,
Me and you do not comply,
As friends yeah we can try,
But along with romance going dry, 
I can tell I'm not the guy,
So instead I kiss goodbye,
A farewell to our love ties,
And as the doves began to fly,
I know in time you will not cry

© 2011 RTB


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Very rarely do I find a poem that fits so well with whats going on in my head and the situation I'm in but your words perfectly express what I'm feeling. Thank you for writing this.

Posted 13 Years Ago


I think there are some missing commas, but no biggie. I like the poem.

Writing keeps the dream alive
~Roxi/V~

Posted 13 Years Ago


agreeing with mike (for once) but you've worked out the rhyme scheme well here and to describe such a feeling...nice work

Posted 13 Years Ago


I see you've been worked over by the grammar police so I won't go there.

I would edit out the words; yeah, all, just, yeah, along, be, and, began to.

I find brevity packs a stronger punch and leaves less to extrapulate on, however thats my opinon.

All in all i get what you are saying and i think it's a good poem

Posted 13 Years Ago


I feel like there's commas missing between "start, yeah, the plan"
the "yeah" feels more like an interjection to me, and again on line IV.
Line VI has something grammatically very wrong. "I'm not be the guy" is definitely not correct. Maybe "I'm not gonna be the guy," or "I'm not to be the guy" [the latter is weaker in my opinion but still valid]
Line VIII feels to short for the flow, but it works. And the lack of punctuation at the end after ending every line with a comma kills me inside.

On the actual content [I'm aware I'm a nitpick when it comes to grammar and things of the like], it's not bad. The rhymes don't feel overly forced but they're not exactly perfectly natural either, but it works to get the point across. I'd probably rework this [not changing content, only punctuation & the missing word] into:

In the start, yeah, the plan was you and I;
in the end, our relations just need to die.
Me and you do not comply
though as friends, yeah, we can try,
but along with romance going dry
I can tell I'm not going to be the guy.
So instead, I kiss goodbyes--
a farewell to our love ties,
and as the doves begin to fly
I know in time, you will not cry.

Just my over-bearing needy two-cents :)

Posted 13 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Some words don't help much.
"Everything will get better right"
Time is the healer for great pain. I like how you told a complete story in this short poem. A good bye rarely bring happiness. Thank you for the outstanding poem.
Coyote

Posted 13 Years Ago



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17 Reviews
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Added on July 14, 2011
Last Updated on July 14, 2011

Author

RTB
RTB

Cocoa, FL



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