Thirst

My lips are parched can't control the taste,

The paste on my tungue, from faminal waste,

By God's dearest grace, he'll release me from this place,

Dying slowly from the thirst I came to face,

My visions I chase, for the moment and place,

But giving this pace, I will find no trace,

Seeing nothing but massive lost space,

Giving in on this day i lay down and erase..

Reviews

[Mizuki Tsukiakari]

It must have been hard to rhyme it so well. Nice jpb! ;p

[Charles]

You've got a good theme going here (the familial waste as a paste, causing thirst) but I think the full impact of the poem is lost by the rigidity of the attempt to rhyme all the -aste and -ace words. If you decide to do something about that, look at line one (is a comma missing) and line 8 (lay should be lie). :-)

[Aggie Skeleton]

That was sad, but I liked it. Made my happy meter go down though.

[Ruth]

This is sad and moving, can be taken two ways, internally or something that has influenced :) Beautiful piece of work, wrapped up really well :)
xx

[Coyote Poetry]

Best show on history channel. Men dying of thirst and hunger. The things they did. Great army were defeated by stopping the water supply. Water is life and death. I like the description in this short poem. I believe death would be a bad death with no water to keep the body strong. A excellent poem.
Coyote

[Kes]

Isn't it funny how too little water and too much water are both considered the worst ways to die?
Great write.

[Brad]

to be honest, my mouth dried up while reading this...i have this empathy thingy...it's weird

[Bubo]

tungue, tongue

One of the slowest ways to die.........well captured in your words.......reminds me also between lines that we thirst to escape life when it is cruel.

[Misty Blue Eyes]

aww i loved this poem