R.I.P

The pierce of the bullet, the sound I regret,

The stain of his blood, the mark god's repent,

 

I will not forgive him he takes them so young,

My best friends pain at the end of the gun,

 

He cries and he moans, he tells me his hurt,

I wipe away the tear, the blood mixed with dirt,

 

My heart is now strangled, my soul tore to shreds,

Calling out for help for my undeserving friend,

 

I did this to my pal and I deserved the shot,

Instead he was taken from the greed that I sought,

 

 

What was the cause, why did it end in sorrow,

I see it drain from his eyes, his life, now god's to borrow

Author's Note

R.I.P J.P this is contraversal to the family so i am no longer allowed to show the info :(

Reviews

[brittany]

i really like this poem XD

[FlawedByDesign]

Damn this is a heart-wrenching sad story :(
Reading this put my stomach in a bind as if I was going to vomit; that's how powerful it was. The fact that this was written in couplets really complements the story.
Kudos for sharing such a personal story.

Nicely done.

[Adelia Alighieri]

A brilliant way to show your grief. I feel sorry for you. But then this is so good, I don't.

[Cristal Bridges]

Wow I don't know what happened in this situation but I'm extremely sorry from the poetry content. Such emotion will always be worn around the neck. It's hard to wipe away pain and I think that you captured your feelilngs on a terrible situation in this poem. It always helps to let things out.

[jenny]

this is amazing. shows a lot of emotion and flows very well

[Bard Constantine]

Regret is something that tattoos the soul without a doubt, especially when connected to the death of a loved one. Writing is one form of catharsis, hopefully time and love can be others. Best wishes to you...

[OkieWonKenokie]

So much emotion. Poems from the heart may be sad but they end up being so much better than people think. If you can understand the stories behind them, you partially understand what they're going through. Although, you can't feel what they feel. Very good write.

[Natalie]

Very emotional. Very deep I really think you a great job with this poem. It leaves me thinking...This is one of my favorites. Your a strong writer :D

[A.Lee]

It took me a moment to decide what to say to this. Such raw emotion portrayed here, this is a very strong piece... yet also very delicate. Excellent job in writing it. Things like this aren't easy to pen.

[Sam Cambell]

You did an excellent job with the rhyme scheme here. I loved the entire second stanza.
"I will not forgive him he takes them so young,
My best friends pain at the end of the gun"
The poem was of course very sad, but you conveyed the pain very well. The only thing I would do is reword the phrase "tells me his hurt." It just impeded the flow a little. I might also change the phrase "my undeserving friend." I know you meant that your friend didn't deserve to be shot, but it confused me because I thought you meant he was undeserving of your grief. Other than that it was a really good poem, and one of my favorites of yours. :)