R.I.P

The pierce of the bullet, the sound I regret,

The stain of his blood, the mark god's repent,

 

I will not forgive him he takes them so young,

My best friends pain at the end of the gun,

 

He cries and he moans, he tells me his hurt,

I wipe away the tear, the blood mixed with dirt,

 

My heart is now strangled, my soul tore to shreds,

Calling out for help for my undeserving friend,

 

I did this to my pal and I deserved the shot,

Instead he was taken from the greed that I sought,

 

 

What was the cause, why did it end in sorrow,

I see it drain from his eyes, his life, now god's to borrow

Author's Note

R.I.P J.P this is contraversal to the family so i am no longer allowed to show the info :(

Reviews

[Awdures]

I liked the meter, it flows from the heart, so I don't think that you should change it. Again filled with musicality I can imagine this read at an open mike session. Well done!

[Charles]

Again, a good match between poem and title and a nice tight theme besides. Why is it 'god's' in the second line - I see why it is in the last line, but not the second. I wonder whether you might improve the poem a bit by changing 'undeserving' friend to something else... in this line it sounds as though your friend does no deserve your attention (I think you mean he didn't deserve the bullet, but the context doesn't say that). Just a thought. Keep writing.

[Leah Everett]

Aww, an unhappy write, it brought a tear to my eye. Very sorry about your friend..
Very well written. (: Loved it.

[TiredHazels]

sad

[KL]

Touching... sorry about your friend, man.

[Bridget Mcmaken]

wow this is a very awesome poem. Sad but amazing.

[Kes]

This is beautiful... It's so sad, but it's so so beautiful...
What a brilliant piece of poetry. It flows perfectly and the story is so emotional; told through imagery and thoughts that... well, it's just... I don't know. I'm actually lost for words. What's wrong with me?!
This is amazing.

[Addie]

This kind of made me cry a little bit. Very emotional. Good work.

[Maurice]

Very emotion-filled writing here. It is a sad story elegantly expressed.