Virtual

 

When we got together the actions became a ritual,

Connect in every way mental physical and virtual,

We laughed together but my feelings never strengthened,

Time use to fly by now a days it seems to lengthen,

Every single day she tells me how much she loves me,

I smile back at her and tell her she looks lovely,

Spending time together it’s alright for a while,

But after all the conversation her voice becomes a little vile,

Like the screech from a chalkboard......

I like her a little but her love seems to be ensured,

I can feel the pain seeping through the arteries,

Its losing the energy like a cheap line battery,

She asks me why I can't give her one more chance,

And I reply with words that destroy her stance,

And she tells me every day I come up in her thoughts,

She's thinking to herself if I realize what I've got.....

 

Reviews

[Cristal Bridges]

Is a nice little write even though as other people have said some of the lines are a bit askew. But hey, that's okay because it's your own unique creation. I think that we can all relate to the topic of this poem and the words within it. Good job!

[KaySea]

wow. incredible

[Gracie-San]

Even though some of the lines didn't fit the rhyme scheme, it was still overall a good poem.

[Awdures]

Hahaa, ok I'll be honest and the first read of this poem made me think about my ex, and how I wanted to throttle him when he laughed at my writing! I feel these words wholeheartedly, and there is more of a depth here because you don't mock or cut too deep, you just say it as it is. It makes me question what happened here to turn things so sour? Was it ever good? What keeps these two together?

Intriguing write send more my way soon!

[Joshua Donahue]

it was nice and very relatable. there were a few lines that didn't fit, but all in all, a good poem.

[Dinesh Sairam]

The flow was abrupt, until "Like the screech from a chalkboard......". You sure can find something better to put in there. Other lines were perfect. I like the way you expressed yourself in simple words and usual rhyme. I see that you are improvising and that's good for the health :D :P This time, the title was apt and good.

Keep writing.

[Fallacy Pharmacy]

Beautifully expressed emotions; I love the rhyming scheme. The flow once again was incredible, but maybe you should separate the poem in two lines each, so the rhyming would be even stronger as it is now. Overall; great job!

[NoneOfYourBusiness akaK..]

emotions well expressed through the poetic form~

[.]

Agreeing with KL on the meter..read it over and over and then you will see where the flow becomes disjointed. Powerful read though and very thought provoking.

[KL]

Couple things. It kind of throws the reader off when you switch up syllable counts for every line - it breaks up flow, so you gotta work on your meter. Makes the message a little more lost in the poem when you have to pause to catch up with yourself while reading. Additionally, you're stretching some of the rhymes... 'arteries' and 'battery,' for instance, or the first two lines.

Look up iambic pentameter and all that jazz if you haven't already, or just count out the syllables on your fingers so you can make each line somewhat equal (if a rhyme scheme is what you're goin' for, of course).

As for the poem itself, a situation everyone has to go through at one point or another. Or maybe a lifetime. It sucks having to think about the other sides perspective or emotions, but in these situations it's just too necessary.

Clean it up a bit and you're gold.