I had a dream last night. It was about James. I know it didn't actually happen but it felt so real. I texted him last night I said, "hey". A few seconds later I got a reply that said, "Hey what's up? How are you?". He was so happy to hear from me. The thought of him being happy to hear from me made me feel amazing like for once I was wanted. I woke up and looked at my phone I checked my messages. It felt so real I don't know how it wasn't real. After that I went back to sleep I had another dream. This time not about him it was about Zach. He was almost my ex he's 20 and Nikki and Austyn's roommate. Zach asked me out to dinner and we went out. It's not like I was talking to anyone at the time. We had fun but of course it wouldn't last. I was right it didn't last about two weeks he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. I was okay with that but of course it still hurt. I told everyone I was fine but truth is I wasn't fine. If a guy like him doesn't want to be with me will anyone ever want to be with me? will I always be alone? I'm fine with being alone if I die and I was never married I'd honestly be fine with that. It doesn't change anything though it still hurt. I hate to admit it but the next month all I could think about was drinking. I don't drink that much just on holidays or special events with my family. Now I was thinking about it all the time in the morning at night in the middle of the day. It's horrible to say but if I said anything else it would be a lie. When he told me that all I wanted to do is run. I still want to run I don't know where I would go but I just want out. I never want to come back home and it's all because of him. I got a paint marker and started writing on everything. I'm not sure why but I just stared writing I do it in plain sight and I don't care if I get caught. I just don't care anymore like if I get caught underage drinking I wouldn't care or if I get caught for vandalism or for having a knife on me I don't care. It doesn't matter to me anymore. I know I fell apart after that. I just don't understand I didn't even like him that much. I wanted to get over James and that didn't work. I'm still clearly hung up on the idea of being with James. So I just don't know why I was hurt so bad. Drinking has never been my go to and now that it is I'm scared. What if I'm an alcoholic? No one in my family is that I know of but there is always that possibility. Just by the thought of it scares me. If I am I'll have to fight everyday I doubt I am but it's scary just to think I could be. I've never been the one to cry in front of anyone. Even when my grandparents died I didn't cry in front of my family. I knew I had to be the one to take care of them and being the baby of the family it was hard. I was up everyday so I wouldn't let them down. When I was little I didn't have the childhood experience because of almost being in foster care. I had to grow up really fast. I was 4 and I had to act like I was 18. I knew everyone was on their own and I learned people put others in danger to save themselves. I promised myself I wouldn't do that and here I am 12 years later and I kept that promise. I had to mature really quick so growing up in school I didn't many friends because I called people out when they were wrong. Everyone tells me I take life to seriously. I know I take it seriously but that's because of what I went through. Many people don't know what happened. My half sister lied and said my dad raped her. Everyone knew it was a lie but we still went to court for it. We had to testify and tell everyone the truth. My dad could've went to prison. All because she was mad at him for taking her weed. She was 12 at the time. It was totally crazy I still can't believe it really happened. So we were in and out of court for 6 years. I was 10 when I got to move back home with my family. I never got to go outside and play with all the other kids because everything was so real to us. People just joke about being raped, foster care, and everything but it's not a joke. I still don't have many friends because I tell people when they are wrong. I hang out with people that are out of school in their 20's or in college because I'm at their level of maturity. It's sad that I had to go from being a little kid to being a little kid and acting like an adult. Oh my god I did it again. Back on topic in my dream I was with Zach and he told me we couldn't be together but when we saw each other we acted like we were together. It was like he never told me he couldn't be with me but in the dream it replayed exactly what he told me. We were just acted like a couple even though we weren't. It's weird I had a dream about him because I haven't heard from him in about 3-4 weeks. I haven't seen him since Easter. I want to just so I can show him I'm better off without him and that he didn't hurt me. I also know if I did that I'd have to spin so many lies just to make it seem a little believable. I just don't have the energy to lie, be the bigger person, or act like I'm okay anymore. Truth is I'm broken half of the time I have no idea what I'm doing and that scares me. Will I ever be normal again? Will the pain go away? Will I ever not feel broken or empty? There is just so much and so much of it is lies that people have told me. I don't know where the lies begin and where they end. I feel like I will never be able to move on in life if I don't find out the truth about everything. Why Zach really called it off. Why James likes me or if he's just playing me because of Nikki. There is a lot more but it's just so much I want to take this one day at a time. I just don't know what I should be starting on and what's important and what's not. I just want to know if I'll ever be okay again. I just want all the pain to go away. All the times I stayed up at night and cried myself to sleep and screamed into my pillow so my family wouldn't hear. All the scars and broken pieces. All the bad thoughts that run through my head everyday I just want them to stop. I know it will all get better with time but for now I just want answers. The truth may hurt me even more but maybe I'll finally understand why I'm doing everything I do.
-Tara April 25, 2016
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