I am 16 a sophomore in high school. My sister is 20 turning 21 in November she has a boyfriend of 4 years now. His name is Austyn they have a baby girl almost 6 months now. She's beautiful and I'm not saying that just because she's my niece. Austyn isn't a great Father I've hated him since day 1. He is disrespectful he flirts with every girl even in front of my sister (Nikki). She plays it off as being friendly. Anyways the real reason I'm writing this is because I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I thought that maybe by writing this I'd figure out what to do and what is right... but what if what's right for everyone else is wrong for me? or what if what's right for me is wrong for my family and they don't want to be part of my life anymore? You see I was almost in foster care and couldn't live with my family for a couple years, I lived with my Grandparents I thank god for them being there. So my family and I aren't that close and it might be really easy for them to drop me. Sorry got a little off topic there for a minute (again). It's all about a guy I like and he likes me too. He's not a bad influence or anything like that.. he's a really great guy that's the problem. He's my sisters ex or almost ex. The summer of 2012 my sister broke up with her boyfriend (Austin#1 she has a thing for Austin's) and James (the guy I like) had just met my sister he liked her and asked her out. The next morning he received a text message saying she had fun the night before but she had a new boyfriend now. Austyn. I met James the night they went out I was so rude to him. I was the devil's child literally I was horrible. I still feel so bad for those words I said to him that I can never take back. I haven't said sorry either I just really want to forget that night but at the same time that night something started and we didn't even know. He's 21 and I'm 16 so if we had a relationship it would be frowned upon by society. His family lives a couple streets down and I see them almost everyday multiple times a day. I wish I got to see him almost everyday but sadly I don't. He's in Hawaii for the Navy great right? We started talking in the fall of 2014 I needed some help with a guy that wanted to go out with me and wouldn't take no. His role was the over protective brother it worked and by talking to him we became friends. We were supposed to hang out before he left for the Navy but we never got around to it. Here it is 2016 and we still haven't got to hang out it's so disappointing. We fell out of touch when he left I didn't have his number and he deleted his Facebook. I had no way of talking to him until July 4, 2015. It was an amazing night not just because of my parents anniversary. I was walking around the neighborhood and I swear I saw him. It might have been his brother they look the same but his brother is 17. I'm 90% sure it was James but there is always a chance it was his brother. It was really dark out that night the only lights were the fireworks. When I looked over and I saw his face I swear it was like my heart stopped but it was beating 1,000 times per second all at the same time. I got butterflies in my stomach like never before. I can't even explain it my mouth dropped but I was smiling I was so happy and in shock at the same time. I wanted so badly to run over to him and give him a hug but he was with his family and I still wasn't sure if it was him. Later that night I got a friend request on Facebook and a message all at the same time. My heart dropped and I smiled and I hadn't even looked at my phone yet. It's going to sound crazy but something inside of me knew it was going to be him and it was. I ran to my room with the biggest smile on my face. I wasn't sure why I was so happy to hear from him at that time I didn't know I liked him. I totally should have known I just kept telling myself I didn't like him because it wasn't right. In the message all he said was, " Hey(: ". Just like that I was hooked on him. He was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing before I went to sleep. It sounds crazy even to me knowing we never hung out and only texted for a week before he left. There is just something about him I don't know how to explain it. It feels like home like I'm safe and nothing can hurt me. Just thinking about him I get a big smile on my face and butterflies in my stomach just like the 4th of July. I don't know what it is about him but I feel like I could tell him anything I've never had that before. He's the one person I've liked this long and not given up on. I usually give up after about 2-4 weeks. The summer of 2015 was the best I stayed up all night talking to him and my days were spent talking to him very little but with my friends. I have a nickname for him it's Bunny I love bunnies they are just so cute. He knows that's what I call him he just doesn't know why I call him that. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said no he didn't understand why and I didn't want to tell him the full reason. The reason he got was: my boyfriend cheated on me (that's true). The real reason was: he cheated on me and no one else likes me because I was the devil child. They thought I would never change and I believed them. They were wrong I know I've changed I'm not the best but I'm better than I was and I work on it everyday. Bunny knew I was the devil child and he gave me a second chance. He was happy to hear I was single and not caught up in feelings with someone. He said, " Good it gives me a chance". I was so happy I was jumping up and down in my room (sadly this isn't a joke I really did). My mom knew I was texting him she said, "I hope you don't like him and he doesn't like you. That would be wrong because your sister was in love with him. They dated". Let me remind you... my sister went on ONE date with him after knowing him TWO days. How could she love him? and if she did love him why did she get together with Austyn? I lied to my mom and said I didn't like him and he didn't like me. She was concerned about what we were talking about. She wanted to know everything and again I lied to her. I felt horrible for lying to her but I couldn't tell her the truth. I wanted to tell her the truth so bad and I almost did so many times. I was really happy talking to him and I wanted her to know he was the reason I smiled. I think part of her knew but she just denied it. We still talk every once in a while when we have the chance. Our schedules are just so different now I have school he has work and we're in different time zones. To me brown eyes have always been boring (I have blue eyes) and they all look the same. Until I saw his eyes... they are kind, happy, gentle, and just amazing just seeing a picture and looking at his eyes is the most amazing feeling ever. His eyes are my favorite. He's the person I look for in a crowded room even when I know he's not even in the same time zone as me. I think about him 24/7 I've never done that before. Every time I don't see him in the room I get really disappointed I don't want to talk to anyone and I feel empty. I haven't told him that's how I feel about him all he knows is that I like him. It's like I want to tell him how I feel but what if he doesn't feel the same? or he doesn't like me anymore? You see I want to be with him but what if my family doesn't want me around anymore? or what if I don't give it a chance and I could've been really happy but I miss my chance and I don't get that happiness. What's the right thing to do?
-Tara April 24,2016
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