River Bridge

I crossed over the bridge today. The River Bridge has the distinction of being the first bridge I drove across while learning to drive at fourteen. Since that time-over half a century ago-I have crossed its expanse as part of my everyday 

life thousands of times.

The River Bridge runs north/south, connecting our Twin Cities. The first exits after the bridge in each direction lead to clover-leaf intersections of the interstate and the busy east/west expressways that service the River Districts on either side of the river.

My father declared the route between the intersections ideal to teach me proper merging and lane changes. Before the ink on my permit had dried, he had me behind the wheel and driving across that bridge. I first drove that route (...exit-loop-merge, loop-merge, cross, exit-loop-merge, loop-merge) tensely, white-knuckled, gasping for air when I remembered to breathe at all. But Daddy talked me through it. He said "Traffic moves like a living thing, you can move into it, or out of it, but you cannot control it..you can only react to it. Match your speed to it, open up and let go. Just breathe!" We drove that route whenever he had a free hour until I shifted smoothly and merged without effort.

One day years later, I crossed that bridge again and again as a troubled teen scouting the location to end my life. I critically considered each section, searched for possible structural flaws-but it was the soothing repetition of cross, exit-loop-merge, loop-merge, cross, exit-loop-merge...that I found. 

I returned to the bridge over the decades that followed and brought the failed pregnancies, lost parents, the wrenching death of my spouse with me-and each time the circuitous drive soothed and healed me. 

But I crossed over the span of the bridge today-tense, white-knuckled, gasping for air. 

I looked over to see Daddy and like that day so long ago he smiled and said "You can move into it, or out of it, but you cannot control it..." and with relief I whispered softly in reply "You can only match your speed to it...open up...let go...".