Black

Black nails, match black souls.

Blacking out words, like memories.

Black thoughts, and black holes.

Author's Note

This is a haiku I came up with just before, praise and criticism are both welcomed.
I really struggled deciding what I wanted to put in the middle line, I was torn between "Blacking out words, with black ink." and "Black out words, like black memories."
Tell me what you think fits better? - I decided on something completely different
I understand that Haiku's are originally meant to be based on nature, but there are many haiku's that tell a story other than nature, so please don't feel a need to inform me on that fact.

Reviews

[alan peter kelly]

G'day Tamika :) happy to see some Australians here. I am enjoying reading you so far and wish only growth through constructive criticism with an emphasis on what a writer is doing well rather than the opposite...yes, a haiku is 5/7/5 formation and strictly confined to the natural world....all other variations are named "senryu"... which is exactly the same 5/7/5 syllabic formation and equally as important in its relatively liberating way of including what traditional haiku, in a literary sense, does not strictly allow. There is another form too...it's called " tanka" (I'm certain you can verify what I'm writing through google)...if you are interested I will leave such research up to you. Research is important in our profession... an editor can tear strips off a writer's confidence so I encourage you to take the advice of other writers on board. I take what I need and discard the rest but have been a poet for many years and am both my own worst critic and ruthless self editor...reading other artists also tends to teach and inspire...it's logical to say that no one gets worse with practice :) I'm available to private message whenever you are stumped or need an opinion from an objective source. But first order with your senryu Tamika is to lose a syllable in the middle section as now you have eight when seven is kosher... It happens quite often with this genre ...and I believe you will succeed so long as you are not overly precious about advice that can only help in the long run...when your piece is resolved and complete to your satisfaction I will come back and reword or delete this review and write another one to reflect your progress. I think "blacking out words in black ink." works because it sticks to the correct number of syllables. If you don't object, I'd enjoy coming back to enjoy more from you.

[Tamika]

Hi, thank you so much for your thoughtful review. I really appreciate how much effort you have put in. I had heard of senryu poems and knew that they had the same formation as a haiku, although I was not aware that they weren't nature ones! So that is incredibly helpful for me to know. I understand your point on the middle line being 8 syllables, because I ummed and arred with that also. Though, the way that I always say memory, when I speak is "mem-ry" and I am quite sure that is how the majority of people I know say it. So the middle line is in fact 7 syllables, but thank you so much for this review, and helping me out. :)

[alan peter kelly]

:) you're welcome mate :)

[Jackie]

Just thinking same thing. Really touch call. They both actually sound great. Which ever way you decide will sound quite impressive either way. Lovely haiku you got going there!:)

[Tamika]

Thank you. :)

[Teddybearlee]

Tough call on which would sound better, definitely something where what the writer picks, is what should stay, but that being said, I would probably go with "Black out words, like black memories". I'm only saying that since you asked, I am really not knowledgable enough to make such suggestions for poetry nor would I want you to change what you feel is right in your heart! The haiku itself, is beautifully dark, I kind of want to paint my nails black now :)

[Tamika]

Thank you! :)