still untitled

I still didn't finish it, just wrote yesterday, would like to have some comments, it is a story in a poem style....

I said:" I will write today"
A poem, a song, or maybe a play
A riddle along the long blurry way
I said: I will write today!

"He stared at her beauty,
On one shiny day.
He asked her:"do you love me?"
She looked a bit astray
"What, don't you love me?
Don't you know what to say?"

His tears dropped,
His eyes turned to grey
That shiny day it was,
Or was it just, from her face, a ray?!

As confused, as he was
As a rainy day in May,
He put his jacket on,
A question on his mind,
And he walked away.

His heart, so heavy to hold,
His head so weary, so old,
A big mystery to unfold,
That knife pained as a scold.

A small rock he found to sit,
He needs to rest, to think a bit,
Where did I go wrong? What didn't fit?
Haven't I loved, embraced, or even submit?

He remembers the first day they met,
His eyes straight forward, his mind to the past is set,
He smiled as he forgot he's left
He smiled, his heart bleeding regret.

Oh what a pain. What a story to tell,
Oh what a shock, with a beauty like hell
A face of an angel, a heart of a rebel,
Anger burnt inside, feelings of hatred dwell.

To be continued...:)

Reviews

[Tamara Jaber]

Thank you, appreciate your comment.

[Glen Yumang Manese]

I usually go to the very first verse of a writer to get a better feel of their work... I can see after reading this one and the previous... that you set a theme and just go with the lines... The words speak to the reader well...