Ocean (Patched together/Revised after I lost the original)

Thought I saw you drown under a mighty wave

As I looked out to the wild stormy sea

Gave all that I had to save a watery grave

Let the biggest of waves crash on me

 

At first I stood firm as the waves lashed away

Crashing down every day for a year

You were all I could see more than I could say

Didn't notice self worth dissapear 

 

Before you could realise what had happened out there

You where safely back onto the shore.

And as you walked away and left me in despair

Knew I'd never be the same as before

And if I was your rock well then you where my ocean

So endlessly beautiful and grand

It took an investment of endless emotion

To stand firm while you turned me to sand

Reviews

[O!]

Good revision Jon!!>....much better.....since it goes to Ocean directly!!...

still i think the 4th line in ur first stanza needs a lil changing...dunno what u think...but ill explain....
the first 3 lines are perfect......u going to save 'her' but then ure swimming for ur life...which to me means u need the saving...and ur story reveals that too.....but ur 4th line says otherwise, which in the poem doesnt make sense, me thinks...i think u should change that to...something like...hmmm.....'it was now I who needed to be saved'..........well, something like that :-)

Hugs,
O! :-)

[Suzanne]

this poem speaks of lost love and a lover who treated the person like dirt
the poem is good and the meter is grand
i liked it
i also like the ocean

suzanne

[Miranda]

dear god...... i loved it but it reminded me of something i did.... thank you for sharing it with me...

[Bubo]

where happy to do it some more
(were)
where all I could see (were)

i loved this despite the raw hurt nature of it................
the crushed feeling you convey really touched me,

And if I was your rock well then you where my ocean
So endlessly beautiful and grand
It took an investment of endless emotion
To stand firm while you turned me to sand

Beautiful stanza..........flowed perfectly, the imagary amazing!
I can see how much this situation would hurt, until your
reduced to nothing but sand, while the other simply carries on
hurting and taking.................

So ashamed you where all I could see
Didn't notice self worth dissapear

And yes, eventually self worth and pride seem to go, and we are hollow...........wonderful read.

[Anna Marie]

I, like O, liked the last two stanzas especially. The metaphor you are creating is original and timeless all at the same time. I do believe this is a poem I can relate to... It seems like you've been through a lot of sadness to write this piece.

I don't, however, like the first stanza so much. It is quite challenging to read. I read it aloud to myself a couple of times and I just think that the word use used to convey a message is odd. But the message itself is good however garbled.

Must've taken a lot of heart to write this piece and I applaud you for showing a piece of yourself to me.

[O!]

:-(.....this is so not nice :-(......I know this is very personal but ill still give u a few suggestions...I feel aweful reading this Jon! :-(

I thought that one day I may almost recover
From the way you dragged my heart round the floor
Imagine then how it felt to discover
You where happy to do it some more

- i think u should replace 'round' with just 'on' or 'all over'
where (were)
maybe u could add 'just' before do it...it emphasizes the 'some more' and i think helps the flow.

I lowered myself as low as could go
Swallowed pride and dignity for you
How the hell could I possibly know
The fucked up things you'd soon do

- not sure about the last line coz it seems she was already doing fucked up things to make u feel that way...

Love these two stanza's........:-(....love them in their sadness :-(

And if I was your rock well then you where my ocean
So endlessly beautiful and grand
It took an investment of endless emotion
To stand firm while you turned me to sand

At first I stood firm as the waves lashed at me
Crashing down every day for a year
So ashamed you where all I could see
Didn't notice self worth dissapear

where (were)

THank you for sharing this with us.

Hugs,
O!