Ocean (Patched together/Revised after I lost the original)

Thought I saw you drown under a mighty wave

As I looked out to the wild stormy sea

Gave all that I had to save a watery grave

Let the biggest of waves crash on me

 

At first I stood firm as the waves lashed away

Crashing down every day for a year

You were all I could see more than I could say

Didn't notice self worth dissapear 

 

Before you could realise what had happened out there

You where safely back onto the shore.

And as you walked away and left me in despair

Knew I'd never be the same as before

And if I was your rock well then you where my ocean

So endlessly beautiful and grand

It took an investment of endless emotion

To stand firm while you turned me to sand

Reviews

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

Love this poem.. revised or not revised..

Chloe
xoxo

[Siren]

nice piece..sounds like u got ur heart broken in this piece..sometimes we try to save those we think need saving...in the end we need to b saved..who will save us?

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

Love and Oceans seem to go together for me.. this is lovley.
I didn't see the first one, but this one is beautiful..
Love is something we all need but boy it can sure hurt sometimes.
It makes for good writing , sad as that is..

And if I was your rock well then you were my ocean
So endlessly beautiful and grand
It took an investment of endless emotion
To stand firm while you turned me to sand

Beautiful verse.

Chloe
xoxo

[Tai Chi Italy]

A rip roaring stormy story of love here Jon, penultimate line requires 'were'. Love does take everything you have for sure, but if the waters calm and the elements merge, self worth equally balances the scales. Life's a beach with the tide out to play on it. Smiling at you, Tai

[Raef C. Boylan]

Some good imagery used in this -
"To stand firm while you turned me to sand",

"...you were my ocean
So endlessly beautiful and grand",

"as the waves lashed at me
Crashing down every day for a year"
- you've maintained your ocean analogy throughout; nice one.

There's no uplifting ending finale here; it's sorrowful all the way through, even the narrator's heroic (attempts) role in the relationship.

It's a good read; flows well and rhymes well without being irritating.
Thanks for posting this.




"So ashamed you where" (were?)

[Kimberly]

At first I did not know what you were talking about and thought it was random and about an ocean...but then I kept reading and I loved it! Great Poem!

[Ebby]

This is a most heartfelt piece which is written in the first person, flooding a reader with a sense of voyeurism at your pain.
A most uncomfortable subject matter for many.

Your rhyme is very strong even when used in an uneven meter.

Sante,
Eloise.

[Alisa Js]

Reading through this one and thinking of the message within, what speaks to me about this piece is the danger of losing one's self in another, emotionally speaking.

Sometimes when we over compensate for the love of another, all that ends up happening is them losing respect for us and our hearts getting broken in the end...

Thank you for stopping by and for your kind sentiment... please do come by again.. aloha..;-)

[Dreamer]

this is beautifully written. i can very much relate to the emotions surrounding the realization of losing who you are and what you are worth to another person.

the only suggestion i have is this:
"were" intead of "where" in the line "So ashamed you where all I could see" would work much better ;)

thank you for sharing this...

[TamiViolet i can't log..]

Jon, I really can feel the passion in this piece, for self worth is the main ingredient for
happiness.

Imagery is stunning, as are theme and tone.

Captivating write.

Peace.
Tamiviolet