20%

I smile as I write this
but I don't know why
blocking out what I miss
I let out a sigh

I've created a distance
between me and my pain
despite the resistance
of heart versus brain

I can switch it off now
and just turn a shoulder
though i find it strange how
it feels good to be colder

and i've paid up plenty
for committing no crime
thoughts still with you twenty
percent of the time

Reviews

[Anna Marie]

I never really contemplated the percentage of time that I spend dwelling on people and the past. It's good that its only 20% and that as Bubo states, a horrid 99%. The rhyme of this piece was perfect and natural. The first stanza didn't seem to mingle in so well... it jutted out and bothered me. The rest of the piece was strong and saddening... just as intended.

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

and i've paid up plenty
for committing no crime
thoughts still with you twenty
percent of the time

I like this verse.. and the poem.. it is alleast 100% but it is not good either way.. love this poem..

Chloe
xoxo

[Tai Chi Italy]

Hi Jon, I read both versions and kind of agree about not needing the first stanza, but I miss the smile and the humanity in it. 20% is very good, you get a gold star from Tai. Missing someone you love is one of our biggest challenges in life. You describe the minds ability to deal with it, if we allow time to do it's job. We have to move on somehow. Thanks for pointing it at me, not sure what my percentage is, would rather not say. Smiling at you, Tai

[Jon]

Appreciated guys - completely agree - I've axed the first stanza - hadn't really read it back to myself and I'm gonna change the betweens when i get a mo - was a deliberate thing but on second look i don't like it. Thankyou!! ;)

[Ebby]

I feel that the discomfort that is mentioned by other reviewers, is created by your repitition of the word 'between'. If this is intentional, then it slows us down in our reading, makes us concentrate a little harder. If it is unintentional, then perhaps you would consider revising it for better flow. I believe it is deliberate though, a balance of thoughts, a comparison of weights.
Flow can be manipulated for a variety of uses, and here a refocus may be a good thing for the next three stanzas.
How often our thoughts linger in a place they need not. It is emotionally draining, but the brain must process in it's own time, and the heart always drags a little behind.
A most interesting read, merci, Jon.
Sante,
Eloise.

[Bubo]

20% of the time is so much better than 99% of the time!
I like the thought of the percentage to measure the pain of
missing someone........and it flowed very well!

and i've paid up plenty
for committing no crime
thoughts still with you twenty
percent of the time

[Kimberly]

I smile as I write this
but I don't know why
blocking out what I miss
I let out a sigh

I've created a distance
between me and my pain
despite the resistance
between heart and brain

I can switch it off now
and just turn a shoulder
though i find it strange how
it feels good to be colder

and i've paid up plenty
for committing no crime
thoughts still with you twenty
percent of the time



**Great piece. I love the rhyming and flow of it. Sad but Great piece!

[Raef C. Boylan]

Nice consistent structure and a good flow.
The story is an intriguing one...readers will ponder about the narrators relationship with this off-stage addressee.

Shame that you don't like punctuation, as i think those last two lines would be a more effective ending with a pause between "you" and "twenty percent", like "," or "...". Ah well.

The first stanza isn't quite up to the standard of the other three. That's not good, as the first stanza is where readers get their first impression of your piece.
It's not terrible though. Maybe it's just me, being picky, but i found the rhyme predictable, which suggests lack of originality.

It's a decent write.
Thanks for posting it.