I would like to be somebody’s everything….

A woman struggles with a mid-life change in relationships, trying to keep herself from sinking into depression

The grass beneath Tara was a soft quilt, cooling her as at the same time the bright spring sun warmed her.  The crystalline blue lake in front of her beckoned her, but even though the warmth of the sun was convincingly deceptive, she knew it was too early in the season for a swim; the water would still be icy cold.

 

She toyed with the blades of grass, her thoughts racing back over the day’s events.  This was a perfect place for contemplation, she thought.  The cool breeze played with the strands of her hair.  Tara dug in her pocket, fishing out an elastic to bind the strands into a ponytail " messy, but who is here to see?

 

This was a dangerous game she played.  She knew better than to allow her musings free rein when she was in a mood like this- too easy to rapidly spiral downhill into black depression, into the depths that were so difficult to climb up from.  But sometimes there was no hope; she couldn’t prevent herself from reviewing her life, from playing out again her past mistakes, the if-only’s and what-if’s?    When she felt more confident, it wasn’t a difficult task to stop herself before she started, to put a cease and desist orders on the negative contemplations.  But on days like this, the black thoughts were much more powerful than she was.  On days like this, she was weak.

 

Rationally, she knew her life wasn’t so awful, so desperate.  But emotionally she was a complete and total wreck.     Her job as a manager of a small marketing operations office wasn’t her dream job, but it could be much worse.  Her apartment wasn’t anything you would see on a television program highlighting fantasy living spaces, but it was cozy and certainly comfortable enough for herself and her pet Jack Russell, Toby.  The one part of her life that she considered miserable, that would send her into a dark blue funk, was the one she considered most important " her love life.  Or lack of one.

 

At thirty-two, she was beginning to feel as if she may as well give up and learn how to be content with her career and her baby Toby.  But every once in a while, like today, the loneliness would become intolerable.  Tara’s eyes began to fill with tears and she angrily rubbed them away.  Oh, hell no.  She isn’t about to let anyone see her misery.  That is to be shoved way down deep inside, for her and her alone to see, to feel.

 

Until two years ago, she had been a happily married American girl.  She had foreseen a life in which she was a mother of 2.4 children, living in a ranch house in the suburbs and driving a minivan to weekly soccer games.  But that all changed when a new graphic artist started working in her division.  Evelyn.  From the first day, Tara knew there was …something.  She had no idea what.  Just knew she wanted to spend every possible moment with Evelyn and was upset when others were enjoying her company.  Now it was obvious; she was jealous and jealous in a way that a girlfriend is jealous.  Over weeks and months, the more they shared stories over lunch and learned each other’s idiosyncrasies while spending the day out shopping, it became clear that Tara did not think of Evelyn as a friend.  Not a traditional friend.  It became clear to Tara that it was something else.

But Tara never dreamed she may have lesbian tendencies.  She never had a crush on another girl, never thought about another female in a romantic or sexual way.  So what was different now?

 

Eventually Tara knew she had to make major changes in her life.  Her relationship with her husband was slowly dying, but it had for some time.  Her husband’s career was a seriously jealous mistress in itself.  He seemed to be at work even when he was at home, always on the phone with clients, analyzing projects, sending out estimates.  They had not had a connection for a long time, so it wasn’t difficult to let it die a natural death.  Once she was out on her own, for the first time in her life perhaps, she felt free, as if she could truly breathe.

 

But it was also difficult to be on her own, and Tara was on her own.  Even though Evelyn appeared to reciprocate Tara’s fledgling romantic feelings, she had her own life, her own family as well.  Even more so, for Evelyn had children.  Grown children, but children nonetheless.  She seemed more than a little hesitant to put all that she had built over her life at risk.  Tara could understand that, after all she had just left a relationship she had become very accustomed to.  It is so very difficult to give up a life, a house, everything that you have worked to create and build for years.  Change is not easy, it is like being reborn.  It is a painful, messy business.  But she was no longer content being an ‘also ran.’  Being the person who is considered only after everything and everyone else has been taken into consideration. 

 

And so now, here Tara sat, alone with her thoughts " her dark, harsh thoughts.  And she wondered " is it truly too much to ask?  All I really want is to be put first in someone’s life, to be somebody’s everything…