My Query letter

for The Blood Stone. is this correct and well thought out. needing help

After their parents abduction Madison and Addison Cazador are quickly led by their best friend Jackson to a place called The Hunters' Guild where they learn that they were born into the crazy world of Hunters and Guardians.An elite group that has been guarding the Essence stones since The Blood Wars centuries before.They must learn the reason why their parents kept their heritage a secret from them as well as learn what it means to be a member of the Guild. As well as try to rescue their parents from Zavion, a dark wizard that is after the Essence Stones.
   My name is Tabitha Taylor. I have just finished writing my latest Novel; The Blood Stone.It is the first book in a five book series that I will be able to supply the plot for each book if you wish. The above paragraph is a short hook for the first story. This is a project that I am confident it the fact that it will generate a lot of interest in the young adult community. I hope that you can take the time out to see if this project is worth your while.
   I have created a pretty sizable fan base off of this novel already on a few writing critique sites.I have won an award already for this piece. I took first place in a chapters writing contest. I submitted chapter 17 of The Blood Stone and out of 200 other competitors mine was the winner. Thank you for your time in reading this email and I hope to get a response back soon! The Blood Stone was completed at 60,000 words.
  -Tabitha Taylor

Reviews

[Aarontastic]

I'm not 100% sure what a query letter is D: But I'm assuming that you are planning on turning it in to potential publishers along with an abstract, or your entire book.

If that's the case, then I have a few suggestions. First of all, there are some punctuation mistakes in the letter: the third word in the first sentence, for instance, should be parents'; you're missing a comma after 'abduction, "The Hunters' Guild" should be in quotation marks, etc. It is a big no-no to send anyone official a query letter (or a story, for that matter) with mistakes like that, or at least I would think so. So I'd say that you need to go over your story for those sorts of mistakes, and fix them. If you want me to do it for you, I'd be willing to for this letter, but if there are mistakes here, then there are likely some in your story as well.

The brief description of your book included here could be better. Besides all the grammatical errors which render it a confusing and choppy read, it doesn't quite pique my interest. I can tell that it is a fantasy epic a la JK Rowling though, and those are obviously very popular right now. I'd suggest re-formulating these sentences to make it more professional-sounding:

"they were born into the crazy world of Hunters and Guardians.An elite group that has been guarding the Essence stones since The Blood Wars centuries before."

Those two sentences would read better as one. Also, stay away from the word 'crazy' as an adjective...this is supposed to impress publishers right? Well most of them are old and terribly conventional people. Choose a different, more conventional word like "exciting", or "twisted", or whatever works for you.

"as well as learn what it means to be a member of the Guild. As well as try to rescue their parents from Zavion, a dark wizard that is after the Essence Stones."

You used the phrase "as well" one time too many. It sounds weird, so it would be better to re-structure those sentences.

I like how you opened the letter with the description of the book first; although I don't know if that is the standard format for these kinds of letters, it is a good way to get the potential publisher's interest. In the paragraph where you talk about yourself, I think it would be smart to tell them a little more about you...what you currently do besides writing, how old you are, etc. A little like a resume.

This sentence is just...wrong:

"This is a project that I am confident it the fact that it will generate a lot of interest in the young adult community."

Maybe you were just rushing here? I might be sounding harsh, but I'm pretty sure a letter/story with mistakes like this would get rejected, although I admittedly don't know how the process works. Anyway, one proper way to re-word the sentence would be:

"This is a project that I am confident will generate a lot of interest in the young adult community."

Singling out the demographic was a nice touch; it will show the publishers that you are at least aware of the reality that books must have commercial appeal in order to be published. That sounds pretty basic, but I think a lot of writers overlook that point XD

In the final paragraph, you make claims that aren't well substantiated. If you are going to say that you've created a sizable fan base, then you have to qualify that answer more. Have people paid you for the story? Or are they just clicking over it on a website? The latter is not a very impressive or reliable statistic. What award have you won? One from the New York Times, or one from a mainstream website? Again, no one will give you much credit for an award on this site.

You have some work to do with this letter to make it professional, and tbh, that means you probably have a good bit of revision to do in your story. I haven't checked it out yet, but it's on my reading list, so I will in the future; I'll try and give some helpful feedback.

[Tabitha t]

since posting this I have made revisions and altered the defects on this query letter, which took me ten minutes to write and that is why it is riddled with mistakes. But I have generated agents intrest and began working on the publishing of " The Blood Stone" since this. Thank you for your review though!

[Aarontastic]

Ah okay :) Great news and good luck with that!

[DeliriousCerises]

I also agree that one of the "as well as" needs to be changed, it's kind of like every sentence ending with "too" it just doesn't look nice or sound as polished. But other than that I don't know a whole lot about query letters, but good luck.

[Shep]

Like the query letter. It really shows what you are made of. Love you idea for series. I too am writing a series titled What's. Behind the Looking Glass. I look forward fo reading yours. But I would like to suggest you break up your chapters into single pages. It hard to read when all 20 chapters are all on the same page. Most computers can't handle it when is this big and it hard to leave comments or help you find the errors. Again great idea. If need help to do this just ask us and we will help.

[Brittany]

Good synopsis and hook for the first book. I have no idea what should be part of a query letter, though.

Change one of the 'as well as'

sentence fragment - An elite group that has been guarding the Essence stones since The Blood Wars centuries before.

[murrill]

I like the Query it got my interest in your book great Job.

[Tabitha t]

besides the misspelling what is so obvious that it is so "so obviously from an amature no editor or reputable agent would look at it."?

[Marie]

I'm sorry. I'm going to be very blunt. In the first place you spell Querry "Query"--but I'm sure you already know that. Your query letter in its essence is fine, but so obviously from an amature no editor or reputable agent would look at it. I have taken the liberty of rewriting it as follows:

After their parents' abduction Madison and Addison Cazador are quickly led by their best friend, Jackson, to a place called The Hunters' Guild, where they learn that they were born into the crazy world of Hunters and Guardians. This is an elite group which has been guarding the Essence stones since The Blood Wars centuries before. They must learn why their heritage was kept secret from them, as well as learn what it means to be a member of the Guild. This in addition to trying to rescue their parents from Zavion, a dark wizard who is after the Essence Stones.
My name is Tabitha Taylor. I have just finished writing my latest novel: "The Blood Stone." It is the first book in a five book series, and I will be able to suppply the plot for each book if you wish. The above paragraph is a short hook for the first book. This is a project which I am confident will generate a lot of interest in the young adult community. I hope that you can take the time out to see if this project is worth your while.
I have already created a pretty sizable fan base for this novel on a few writing critique sites. It won an award in a chapter writing contest. I submitted chapter 17 of "The Blood Stone" and it was the winner out of 200 other competitors. Thank you for the time taken to read this e-mail, and I hope to get a response soon. "The Blood Stone" was completed at 60,000 words.

[Tabitha t]

I will always read young adult novels. There is more imagination and truth in them.

[Dean Kuch®]

I am by no means in the "Young Adult" category, but 'll read it! There's a bit of the mischievous Hobbit in even us "old geezers"too, :)