Revised Query Letter.

im going to delete my old one for "The Blood Stone; Essence Stone series" and see if this goes better.

Dear Editor,

I am pleased to submit a synopsis, outline, and sample first fifty pages of my original novel entitled The Blood Stone

"The Blood Stone" is a young adult novel about Madison, a shy wall flower, and her twin brother, Addison, the golden boy. The pair are forced to embark on an incredible adventure after their parents are abducted by a dark wizard from their past. The twins are led to The Hunters’ Guild, a magical training ground where Hunters and Guardians fight to keep the Essence Stones safe, by their best friend who ends up being their Guardian, a protector who is tied to the both of them from a long ago blood oath made by their forefathers. The twins must learn what it takes to become Hunters in order to save their parents but will their parents want to leave Zavion, the dark wizard’s, side once they get there?

"The Blood Stone" was completed at 65,ooo words.

Thank you for taking the time out to read this E-mail and I hope to hear back from you soon.

Sincerely,

Tabitha T*****

Reviews

[W.V. Bard]

MUCH more concise. Sum it up in one sentence, and then expand. You talk about so much that the agent won't be knowing about; try to speak in Laymen's terms.

[Craig2591]

I know NOTHING about query letters and wasn't going to review this, but I can at least tell you that this seems very professional and to the point. I suspect that publishers don't want to read a big long query letter and probably quit after the first two paragraphs in most cases. This should keep them reading until the end.

Good luck!

[Aarontastic]

Hmm this is a lot more concise than the old one, isn't it? I like the way you have your pitch like it would actually be presented on the inside of a book cover; it might help the potential publishers to visualize it as a book better. There are a few things I would fix though:

"The twins must learn what it takes to become Hunters in order to save their parents but will their parents want to leave Zavion, the dark wizard’s, side once they get there? "

I think it would sound better as: "...want to leave the dark wizard Zavion's side once they get there?" It just sounds less awkward imo. Also, don't forget the comma between 'parents' and 'but'!

This sentence here is a bit of a gallimaufry: "The twins are led to The Hunters’ Guild, a magical training ground where Hunters and Guardians fight to keep the Essence Stones safe, by their best friend who ends up being their Guardian, a protector who is tied to the both of them from a long ago blood oath made by their forefathers." I would consider either making two sentences out of that, or maybe excising some info to make it shorter and more cohesive, because as it is, it's a bit confusing/run-onnish. Definitely I would not mention the word 'Guardian' twice in the same sentence! :p

Besides that it looks like a good, confident, and mature letter.

[Whales]

Yea, this sounds very professional and well done. I think this is perfect for a query letter. Short and to the point with descriptive sentences about you book. It's just the right length. SEND IT WITH PRIDE!!!!

[Tabitha t]

great, I put a lot of effort into this one. I got an agent with the one that looks crappy compared to this so it should go well

[ATG]

I don't know too much about query letters, but this seems fairly well done. I don't really have any advice on it and, from what I can tell it, it looks professional.

[Tabitha t]

works for me. I am in search of a new agent so hopefully this will do the trick

[ATG]

Good luck. I hope it goes well for you.