Chapter Nine

 

 

Chapter Nine

 

            Trisha had crumpled beside her husband’s grave in exhaustion. Even though she took a yoga class every Wednesday she was not used to having to physically exert herself as she had done tonight. She mentally reminded herself to tell all the girls that murder was the solution to firmer thighs and buns of steel.             As she lay in the damp earth with the cool rain pelting her body she drifted off into a fitful sleep. She was no longer in her backyard. She was no longer the newly widowed wife of a prominent lawyer and political man. She was no longer the mother of a lively and easily excited three year old daughter.

            She was now an eleven year old girl huddled in the back of a drafty barn. Piles of discarded tools and scraps of apple cores or corn cobs littered the floor. There was a strong smell of decay that rest heavily in the air. The only escape from the odor was the freezing mid November air that blew the dust up from the hard packed dirt ground.

            Hay was strewn into one dark corner of the makeshift room and the child dug in deep to try to stay warm. All around her thunder boomed and water leaked through the tin roof to leave a landmine field of puddles in the dirt floor.

            The child shivered in the cold air, puffs of condensation escaping her mouth with each breath. The dress she wore was worn thin and frayed around the edges, beyond the hem of the dress which, was easily three inches to short, protruded sharp angular kneecaps and thin legs connected to bare feet.

            Lightning streaked across the sky. The light flashed into the gaps between the boards on the walls surrounding her. The bright flash allows a momentary view of the child’s face. She looks a lot like Amelia but she lacks the pudgy robustness of youth. The cheeks were drawn tight and gaunt. Eyes seemed to large and exposed on her small face.

            As another clap of thunder crashed overhead she involuntarily let out a sharp cry and dug her way deeper into her bed of straw.

            She hear the porch door to the family house screech open and bang shut over the sound of the rain and wind. With her heart hammering in her chest she tries desperately to hide herself completely in the damp sweet smelling straw.

            Within a few seconds she heard the board that was placed on the outside of the barn door to keep them closed thump against the ground beyond the wall. She let out a small whimper but did not try to hide any further. She knew that what was to come was inevitable. What most adult barely understood, her eleven year old mind had began to grasp years ago. Some things you just can’t fight.

            The heavy and wet door to the barn snapped and popped as it was tugged open. Lightning lit up the room once again. She looked up to see the thick outline of a man standing in the door way. His shoulders were wide and almost filled the doorway completely. The silhouette of a boulder of a head rest on a tree trunk of a neck.  She held her breath for a long moment, hoping that maybe he would change his mind, turn around, and go to bed.

            Rain pounded against the ground behind the man and thunder boomed, causing her to flinch. Despite her fear she did not look away from the intruder.

            “Don’t be afraid love.” A deep voice drifted to her from the doorway. She knew the voice well and this did nothing to expel her fear. Her heart began to beat out a higher tempo, the front of her thread bare dress fluttering against it.    The shadow reached a hand out and pulled the heavy door shut behind him. The room was shadowed in darkness again and she lost momentarily sight of him. This worried her more then anything else. She heard a shuffle coming from the near right of her, she smelled the over powering smell of pomade that he loved to layer on in thick fingerfulls into his hair. She stifled a cry as the voice whispered very closely into her ear.

            “Nothing to fear child, Daddy is here.”

Reviews

[KAOlmsted]

Hey girl. *smile* Let's get back to doing this thing.

"Trisha had crumpled beside her husband’s grave in exhaustion."
--I think you can lose the 'had' here.

"She mentally reminded herself to tell all the girls that murder was the solution to firmer thighs and buns of steel."
--this made me laugh out loud. Great bit of comic relief in an otherwise very serious moment...just goes to show Trisha is really losing her s**t. My only real b***h with the statement is the "mentally reminded" bit. I understand she is not talking out loud here, so you wanted her to mentally remind herself as opposed to verbally remind herself...I wonder if it would not sound as redundant if "she made a mental note" to tell all the girls.

"As she lay in the damp earth..."
--is Trisha in the grave, then? Because that would be weird. "As she lay on the damp ground..." perhaps?

"There was a strong smell of decay that rest heavily in the air."
--rested; although I am not loving that...the smell rested...hung maybe?

"All around her thunder boomed and water leaked through the tin roof to leave a landmine field of puddles in the dirt floor."
--hang on...didn't you just tell me the mid November wind was blowing dust all around?

"...beyond the hem of the dress which, was..."
--comma which. Always comma which. "...dress, which..."

"The bright flash allows a momentary view of the child’s face. She looks a lot like Amelia but she lacks the pudgy robustness of youth."
--watch your tense here, you've slipped into present tense. "allowed"; "lacked", and try a comma between "Amelia" and "but".

"Eyes seemed to large and exposed on her small face."
--did the eyes "seem" too large, or were they too large? Try to stay away from that nasty bugaboo "seemed" to describe things. Makes you seem very unsure as a story teller, as if your guess is as good as ours.

"She hear the porch door..."
--*laugh* unless you've suddenly gone Jamaican, change that to heard, mon.

"With her heart hammering in her chest she tries desperately to hide herself completely in the damp sweet smelling straw."
--passive. "Her heart hammered in her chest and she tried desperately to hide herself in the damp, sweet smelling straw."

"Within a few seconds she heard the board that was placed on the outside of the barn door to keep them closed thump against the ground beyond the wall."
--unless the timing is crucial, and here I don't really believe it is, you can eliminate "within a few seconds"...it sort of takes me away from this terror I am supposed to be feeling, this moment of suspense. Maybe try just having the board scrape against the outside of the doors, and give that child some visceral reaction to what that sound means.

"What most adult barely understood, her eleven year old mind had began to grasp years ago. Some things you just can’t fight."
--"adults"; I like this statement, it shows great insight into the woman Trisha is going to become. What I don't like is "had began"...it is either "had begun" or "began"...and here I don't even know if you need to have her beginning anything; looks to me like she already knows it. "...her eleven year old mind grasped years ago..." Maybe italicize the last sentence, especially if the word "you" is staying. Or try "Some things could not be fought." *shrug* I dunno. That's totally your call...a style thing.

"The heavy and wet door to the barn snapped and popped as it was tugged open."
--clunky. It is a barn door, of course it is heavy; it is raining, of course it is wet. "The barn door snapped and popped as it was tugged open."

" Lightning lit up the room once again."
--the room?

"The room was shadowed in darkness again..."
--sorry, I grew up in the suburbs...do they call barns rooms out in barn country? If so...disregard me.

So, yeah...totally creepy, dude. It gives us a greater understanding why Trisha is how she is, and why she chose the husband she chose. I'm wondering now if Trisha killed her father, and if she did, did she get away with it. Lots to ponder. Which is good, because now I want to see what happens next. See?? You can do this! Good job. And sorry I was gone so long...like I said, stupid busy.

your friend,
-kimmer

[Tabitha t]

the father does die but not in a way you would expect. Lets just say its a family tradition. I agree weith most of the statements made. oh and in Tennessee yes barns are outside rooms used fr many things.

[KAOlmsted]

I stand corrected about the barns then *laugh* Sorry, I am a New Yorker. Glad to be back with you...I'll try to get another chapter under my belt soon.

[Craig2591]

Very disturbing chapter! Definitely sets a mood!

During the description of the lightening on Trisha's face you jumped from past to present tense a few times. Otherwise, a well written chapter.

[Marie]

Trisha is losing it, isn't she?

[Tabitha t]

depends on if she is losing it in a good way or bad.

[Marie]

Oh, I'd say in a bad way.

[Tabitha t]

but does it help with the story line?

[T. Logan]

This is still kind of creepy. I don't know why but i thought rape. Maybe you were going for that, or maybe i've been watching to many crime related shows. But this is good.

[Tabitha t]

Rape is very much the intent of this chapter. In later chapters it will go further into her past and explain why she is what she is today.