Chapter one

 

Part One

Temptation

 

Chapter one

 

 

 

 

            The moment that Trisha decided to murder her husband she was sitting down in her therapist’s office watching Ms. Marsh, an elderly woman who still held a few thin ribbons of beauty wrapped around her delicate features, sip on a hot, steaming cup of coffee.

            “How have things been at home?” She asked as she sat the oversized mug gingerly down on the table where a napkin rest. Trisha noticed that she took a few extra moments to set the cup down directly on the wet ring already present on the napkin. She guessed that even shrinks were susceptible to bouts of manic behavior once in a while.

            “Things haven’t been that great actually.” Trisha confessed through puckered lips as she secretly wished she had some sugar for the cheap bitter coffee.

            “I am here if you want too talk about it.” Ms. Marsh urged her on gently.

            Ms. Marsh wasn’t like the other therapist Trisha had been to and for that she was thankful. She never pushed to hard or forced Trisha to talk in great lengths about her childhood or her home life. She seemed to know that there were some giant skeletons in her closet and seemed to have understood that it wasn’t the right time to unearth them.

            “James found out about my visits with you.” She spoke mater of factly through a sigh. James was her husband and had been so for the last twenty years. They had met during her first year in college. He was on his third year and showing promise to become a very successful criminal lawyer. He was charming and strong. He was everything she, and every other girl on campus, was looking for. She thought that she had struck the jackpot and apparently so had he.

            “Do you mean to tell me that your husband was unaware that you were seeing a therapist?” Ms. Marsh asked in what sounded like genuine surprise.

            “That’s right.” Trisha nodded as she looked up to see the doctor no longer looking at her note pad but staring at Trisha with evident curiosity. She had hit on something and she knew it.

            “Why have you hidden this from him, Trisha?” She asked carefully. Ms. Marsh had suspected spousal abuse and neglect for a few weeks now but had never said anything to steer the conversation in that direction yet. She strongly believed that when someone was ready to disclose private information they will, and within a few weeks they usually did. Whether it is traumatic childhood experiences or lingering thoughts that were classified as “out of the norm.” they always ended up trusting her enough to talk about it with her. Trisha was a different case all together. She came in every week and poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down in her usual spot. She would talk about social events and fund raisers that she was working on. If it wasn’t for the fact that they were in a sparsely decorated shrink’s office you would think that she was visiting a close friend.

            She never delved into any intimate issues and she never spoke about her life at home, which is what lead Ms. Marsh to begin to believe that there were some major underlying spousal issues. This statement was completely out of Trisha’s character and even with Ms. Marsh’s thirty something years in the field she was momentarily taken aback.

            “James isn’t the sort of man who wants his home life to be out side of the home.” Trisha explained simply enough. Ms. Marsh saw this as a small opening to see if Trisha was willing to share a few more details.

            “Your husband is a very prominent man in this town Mrs. Spilling,” Ms. Marsh said, and it was true. James Spilling had been a valuable asset to the town for years now. He had started out in his own law firm but as he and his aspirations grew he had began to dabble in the politics within the town. He just recently passed a bill to begin an expansive clean up of Lake Henley which runs along the South side of the town. For years if a south west breeze picked up enough speed, the smell of the lake assaulted the townships’ noses.

            “Why could a man like him feel the need to keep secrets from a town, which all but cherishes him?” She finished softly enough to not make Trisha feel threatened but enough to let her know that that is she indeed wanted to say anything that the time to do so would be now.

            Trisha just picked up her coffee again and studied the misty tendrils that drifted from the hot liquid into the cool office air. She thought back to the nights full of rage and his temper that seemed to acquire a shorter fuse as the years progressed.

            “He can be a bit hard to deal with.” She said after a moment of contemplation. She knew that Ms. Marsh couldn’t go public with anything that was said inside of her office but the last thing James needed was a conspiracy story. He was a good man overall. He still held the many charms that she had fallen in love with all those years ago. He just had a lot on his plate and it was her job to help out as much as she could to elevate any of this stress and concerns. He was a man who knew what he wanted and he had a temper when things didn’t go his way.

            Ms. Marsh noticed her hesitation and decided that Trisha was a special case in which her normal light hand would not work. She sat forward in her plush chair and pushed just a bit harder, as she tried to break the wall that Trisha had built around herself.

            “What is hard about dealing with James, Trisha?” She asked in the same calm tempo as before. Her voice was soft but her eyes gave away her interest. They shone brightly from behind her thin framed glasses. Thankfully Trisha was still looking down at her gradually cooling cup of bitter, black coffee.

            “Nothing that I can’t handle.” Trisha said through a small smile that spread over her lips as a small timer began to chime on the shelf behind her chair signifying the end of her hour long session with Ms. Marsh.

            She slowly set down her mug on the hard wood finish of the small table beside her unused napkin and stood up.

            “Thank you for this enlightening day.” Her smile grew as she spoke. “I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.” She sighed as she turned her back from Ms. Marsh and exited the small office. Sounds of the busy street drifted to Ms. Marsh’s ears as she quickly bent down to pick up the abandoned mug and set it on the center of the napkin. Her face was a mixture of confusion and irritation. She shook her head slowly. In all her years she has never had a patient like Trisha before.

 

Author's Note

This is only a short sample of the first chapter to see what readers thing of the intro

Reviews

[KAOlmsted]

"The moment that Trisha decided to murder her husband..."
--lose "that"...it is such a useless little word.

"Ms. Marsh, an elderly woman who still held a few thin ribbons of beauty wrapped around her delicate face, sip on a hot, steaming cup of coffee."
--maybe try this as two separate sentences? You take me away from Ms. Marsh to tell me how she looks, and then you throw me back in there to tell me what she's doing. Have Ms. Marsh sip her coffee and then drop this stunning line on me about the thin ribbons of beauty. It is an exquisite line and should not be monkeyed in the middle of a couple of commas.

"She asked as she sat the oversized mug gingerly down on the table where a napkin rest."
--clunky. Maybe lose it and just have Trisha have the observation of how Ms. Marsh sets her mug down; that really says it all. First you tell, and then you show. Just show, please. Especially as the show is so much more powerful and reveals so much more about your character than the tell.

"...secretly wished she has some sugar..."
--had some sugar.

"She never pushed to hard..."
--too hard. And just an aside here. If Trisha is the one having the internal dialogue about her previous therapists, it needs to be in a separate paragraph. Because the first time I read this I thought Ms. Marsh was thinking she was not like Trisha's other therapists.

It's okay to have multiple POVs in your work, it's called third person omniscient, but it's important to make the shift between characters having internal dialogue with themselves as seamless as possible. As you gain more experience with your craft, you will totally get it, because you're not that far off the mark right now.

"She knew that Ms. Marsh couldn’t go public with anything that was said inside of her office but the last thing James needed was a conspiracy story."
--unreliable narration is fun, when it's done right. This just confused me. The woman is about to murder her husband and yet she's worried Ms. Marsh might cause a conspiracy? And then she's telling us he's a good man? *blink blink*

"He sat forward..."
--She

“What is hard about dealing with Jason, Trisha?”
--and furthermore, what is so hard about dealing with James??

"Trisha said through a small smile that spread over her lips as a small timer began to chime on the shelf behind her chair signifying the end of her hour long session with Ms. Marsh."
--phew, girl...holy run-on sentence! Slow down and breathe. The smile can be the subject of the second sentence. Try: Trisha said through a small smile. It spread over her lips as a timer began to chime on the shelf behind her chair, signifying the end of her session. (I don't care how big the timer is and there is no need to tell us how long the therapy was, or that it was with Ms. Marsh...this is SWK...s**t we know. *laugh*)

Again, at the end there, Ms. Marsh's inner dialogue needs to be in a new paragraph.

All in all, this was a very good bit of writing with a terrific grab at the beginning...Trisha's going to kill her husband; who wouldn't want to read about that? Although, right now, as it stands, I like James/Jason a lot more than I like Trisha, as she told me how good of a man he is and all. *wink* Good bones here. Some very good writing. Be proud of this.

-kimmer

[Tabitha t]

Thank you for this very in depth analysis. I have went back in my original work and made the correct alterations. I will need a bit of time to change the same things on the site but it will be done.

[W.V. Bard]

First sentence needs to be split into two.

The moment that Trisha decided to murder her husband she was sitting down in her therapist’s office. She was watching Ms. Marsh, an elderly woman who still held a few thin ribbons of beauty wrapped around her delicate features, sip on a hot, steaming cup of coffee when the thought occured to her.

Also, you don't have to explain that James is her husband, it's implied and pretty obvious.

Also, you use a lot of "had" and "that" and "was" and such inactive verbs that take away from the action of the story.

This is one of the best pieces of read so far on this site.

[Bethany Grace]

Hello Tabitha!
Very interesting start to your novel. I love books about murder, so fascinating. I did see some things that I would like to bring to your attention.

First, I'm a little confused about the POV that you are going for here. It seems that you are trying for omniscient 3rd person; however, it is coming across a little confusing. I think it would tighten the scene if you stuck with just one character's POV. That does not mean that you have to stay with that person's POV the whole time. In the first chapter you could give the reader the therapist's perception of Trisha, but then in the next chapter switch to Trisha's POV. This can help to create a little mystery because the reader is limited to the perceptions of just one character at a time.

That was really the only general think that I thought of while reading your chapter. Below are some specific comments in parentheses.


The moment that [You can delete “that”] Trisha decided to murder her husband she was sitting down [you can delete “down”] in her therapist’s office watching Ms. Marsh, an elderly woman who still held a few thin ribbons of beauty wrapped around her delicate features, sip [sipping] on a hot, steaming cup of coffee.
            “How have things been at home?” She asked as she sat [set] the oversized mug gingerly [you could move “gingerly” to before “set” to make the sentence flow better. But that is up to personal preference] down on the table where a napkin rest. [“rest” is present tense, and you’ve been writing in past. Change to “rested”] Trisha noticed that she took a few extra moments to set the cup down directly on the wet ring already present on the napkin. She guessed that even shrinks were susceptible to bouts of manic behavior once in a while. [LOL... love it!]
            “Things haven’t been that great actually.” Trisha confessed through puckered lips as she secretly wished she had some sugar for the cheap [add comma] bitter coffee.
            “I am here if you want too talk about it.” Ms. Marsh urged her on gently.
            Ms. Marsh wasn’t like the other therapist Trisha had been to and for that she was thankful. She never pushed to hard or forced Trisha to talk in great lengths about her childhood or her home life. She seemed to know that there were some giant skeletons in her closet and seemed to have understood that it wasn’t the right time to unearth them.
            “James found out about my visits with you.” She spoke [matter-of-factly] through a sigh. James was her husband and had been so for the last twenty years. They had met during her first year in college. He was on his third year and showing promise to become a very successful criminal lawyer. He was charming and strong. He was everything she, and every other girl on campus, was looking for. She thought that she had struck the jackpot and apparently so had he.
            “Do you mean to tell me that your husband was unaware that you were seeing a therapist?” Ms. Marsh asked in what sounded like genuine surprise.
            “That’s right.” Trisha nodded as she looked up to see the doctor no longer looking at her note pad but staring at Trisha with evident curiosity. She had hit on something and she knew it.
            “Why have you hidden this from him, Trisha?” She asked carefully. Ms. Marsh had suspected spousal abuse and neglect for a few weeks now but had never said anything to steer the conversation in that direction yet. She strongly believed that when someone was ready to disclose private information they will, and within a few weeks they usually did. Whether it is traumatic childhood experiences or lingering thoughts that were classified as “out of the norm.” they always ended up trusting her enough to talk about it with her. Trisha was a different case all together. She came in every week and poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down in her usual spot. She would talk about social events and fund raisers that she was working on. If it wasn’t for the fact that they were in a sparsely decorated shrink’s office [add comma here] you would think that she was visiting a close friend.
            She never delved into any intimate issues [Add comma here] and she never spoke about her life at home, [this comma is not needed] which is what lead Ms. Marsh to begin to believe that there were some major underlying spousal issues. This statement was completely out of Trisha’s character and even with Ms. Marsh’s thirty something years in the field she was momentarily taken aback.
            “James isn’t the sort of man who wants his home life to be out side of the home.” Trisha explained simply enough. Ms. Marsh saw this as a small opening to see if Trisha was willing to share a few more details.
            “Your husband is a very prominent man in this town Mrs. Spilling,” Ms. Marsh said, and it was true. James Spilling had been a valuable asset to the town for years now. He had started out in his own law firm but as he and his aspirations grew he had began to dabble in the politics within the town. He just recently passed a bill to begin an expansive clean up of Lake Henley which runs along the South side of the town. For years if a south west breeze picked up enough speed, the smell of the lake assaulted the townships’ noses.
            “Why could [this needs to be “why would”] a man like him feel the need to keep secrets from a town, [again, no comma is necessary before a “which” clause or a “that” clause] which all but cherishes him?” She finished softly enough to not make Trisha feel threatened but enough to let her know that that is she indeed wanted to say anything that the time to do so would be now. [This sentence is a little awkward. Maybe rephrase]
            Trisha just picked up her coffee again and studied the misty tendrils that drifted from the hot liquid into the cool office air. [I love that description!] She thought back to the nights full of [Add “his” here] rage and his temper that [Add “both” here] seemed to acquire [shorter fuses] as the years progressed.
            “He can be a bit hard to deal with.” She said after a moment of contemplation. She knew that Ms. Marsh couldn’t go public with anything that was said inside of her office but the last thing James needed was a conspiracy story. He was a good man overall. He still held the many charms that she had fallen in love with all those years ago. He just had a lot on his plate and it was her job to help out as much as she could to elevate [alleviate?] any of this stress and concerns. He was a man who knew what he wanted [Add comma] and he had a temper when things didn’t go his way.
            Ms. Marsh noticed her hesitation and decided that Trisha was a special case in which her normal light hand would not work. She sat forward in her plush chair and pushed just a bit harder, [comma is unnecessary] as she tried to break the wall that Trisha had built around herself.
            “What is hard about dealing with James, Trisha?” She asked in the same calm tempo as before. Her voice was soft but her eyes gave away her interest. They shone brightly from behind her thin framed glasses. Thankfully [add comma here] Trisha was still looking down at her gradually cooling cup of bitter, black coffee.
            “Nothing that I can’t handle.” Trisha said through a small smile that spread over her lips as a small timer began to chime on the shelf behind her chair signifying the end of her hour long session with Ms. Marsh.
            She slowly set down her mug on the hard wood finish of the small table beside her unused napkin [I love the contrast between the two characters here] and stood up.
            “Thank you for this enlightening day.” Her [maybe add the name here instead of the pronoun. I got confused for a second about who was speaking] smile grew as she spoke. “I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.” She sighed as she turned her back from [to?] Ms. Marsh and exited the small office. Sounds of the busy street drifted to Ms. Marsh’s ears as she quickly bent down to pick up the abandoned mug and set it on the center of the napkin. [Love it!] Her face was a mixture of confusion and irritation. She shook her head slowly. In all her years she has never had a patient like Trisha before.



Sorry this was so long.

Again, over all a great start to your story. There are some great lines in there! Keep on writing!
 

[Tabitha t]

Wow! Thank you for such an in depth review! I really appreciate it and you helped out greatly. I will make the necessary changes once I am back in my office but really... Thank you!

[James Yelton]

I liked the sense of foreboding you created and the initial mystery. You explained the some of the tenseness in the conversations between Trisha and Ms. Marsh quite well. I was just wondering, however, how it was that Trisha differed so much from any of her other patients. Also I was curious why Trisha had changed therapists, or exactly why at this particular meeting she had decided to murder her husband. I'm sure much more will be disclosed in your subsequent chapters.

[gombeggar]

the writing is well done and engaging...u have your reader's interests, i think

[T. Logan]

The first sentence is really a hook. Murder is just introduced right away. I like that. haha

[quarintine_deathangel]

Truly intruiging! Thanx for the read request ^.^

[.quan.011.]

This was an interesting start. It really grabbed my attention. I found nothing wrong grammar wise. This was amaze chapter and I can't wait read more. Which I will be doing later. Promise.

[SpitfireGrrrl]

I like the basis for the story, and the beginning does grab you. Aside from minor grammatical bits - it's really, really good! Thanks for sharing!

[Olivia Marie]

I enjoyed reading it :) can't wait to read more. I also think that you used the POV wonderfully. Diving into both ladies minds, but not giving too much information yet. Great :)