Just a Crush

A Story by taami

A letter to the one I love. Stuck in a messy love triangle of him and his fiance. it's everything I don't have the guts to say to him but wish I could.

Just a Crush

They say that a crush only lasts a maximum of 4 months... if it exceeds that you are already in love. Now I know. I know you said that we're friends, bestfriends. I know you said you don’t want to repeat the mistakes you've made in the past because you didn’t want to lose me. But s**t happens.

It was a silly crush at first, and everyone caught on for whatever reason. But it was... a silly crush, that’s all. Maybe we were at a stage of our lives where we needed some affection, comfort, or passion. Or maybe it was just rebound from dark and twisted pasts.

I tried to let it go, and for a while there, it was working fine... you were just a friend. But then you said things, you did things. You showed me what it all meant, and I lost my perspective. I'm glad we met, even if our friendship had an expiry date tagged to it.

I guess I’m writing this now to let you know that I had absolutely no control over what happened.

When we exchanged stories in the beginning of it all, I told you things that only a few people knew about me. You understood, right away, that I was a person who had their feelings in check... at all times. I never slip. I never fall... not for the wrong guy. And you are... the wrong guy. I'm sorry... but s**t happens.

The best and worst days of my life all happened after we met. And it’s all because of you. There were days when I was singing at the top of my lungs, dancing like no one's watching, and feeling like I finally have it all. And there were days when I was sitting in the balcony for hours crying, not wanting to get out of bed, feeling like I’ve lost track of my life.

Before we met I got high once a month, twice a month, never alone. Before we met, I was just about to heal, just about to find peace with myself.

But after we met, I was constantly getting high.. Alone or not. And more importantly, completely lost myself. You brought a whole new set of pain, a whole new type of hurt; of which I never thought I would be a victim. Now I know better.

I had judged people in the past for allowing themselves to get as involved as I am now. I thought they were weak and just stupid for letting it get that far. But now I know better.

I felt a whole range of the most complex of emotions and confusion that were alien to me. Everything from love, to lust, to hate, to disgust, and back to love again. It was always back to love again. Sometimes I felt it was only a game to you, a challenge. And other times I felt your love. Or maybe it was just in my head. Maybe it was all in my head.

It couldn’t have been all in my head. You never gave me a chance. Whenever I would pull away, you, so subtly, pulled me back in. with your backfires, calling me your bestfriend, wanting to share your secrets with me... you just made me feel needed and desired. In a way I've never felt before.

I'll never forget our first kiss. It meant the world. I felt like I had the whole world, time just stopped for as long as the kiss lasted. I felt fireworks.
Our first kiss... Our first kiss.
Our... there's no 'our'.
Ur not mine. You never were and never will be...

Never will be...

Only a few friends of mine knew of this 'silly crush' I had. One of them said to me once "he was never yours"... but you were. Even if you weren't. You were mine, even if it was for a moment.

You were mine when you kissed me.
You were mine when you hugged me like you needed me.
You were mine when you touched me.
You were mine when you squeezed my hand in yours.

You were mine when you looked deep into my eyes and said you loved me.

You were mine even if it was for a moment.

It.was.everything.that.I've.been.waiting.for...
But... such is life. You were already in love. In love with the girl you couldn’t have. The girl you deserve... I think. You went to see her, to speak to her parents. Only one person knew how I really felt about you. He said that you weren’t playing. That you had real feelings for me. And I believed him. I guess I can’t blame him for that, he was only saying what I wanted to hear. And after all, I had been warned.

You went to see her. I must admit I was relieved when you didn’t feel the same way you used to. But then you went away with her to see if you could fix all the damage. I couldn’t. I couldn’t deal with the thought of her looking at you, holding your hands, hugging you. I hated that she was able to make you happy.

They say that what you don't know can’t hurt you. Well, they were so very wrong.

You told her that you cant imagine your life with anyone else. I guess that makes me ... what?

Just a friend?
Someone you can make out with?
Temporary emotional support?
... I don’t know.

I was content before we met.

You went ahead with my worst nightmare. And you kept me posted with every step of the way. Sending me pictures, telling me stories, and loving her. You got engaged. You know? That friend said that it wouldn’t happen. That you would come back to me. But this time, he was wrong. Maybe he was wrong all along.
It took me about 2 days to realize that it actually happened. I didn’t want to believe that, now, you actually belong to someone else. Someone who's not me.

I know you said we're friends. Trust me, I know. But I just didn’t want whatever we were to end just yet.

It took a few pictures, a few festive pictures of you and your new fiancé to take me 6 feet under. You seemed so happy, so complete. With your hands around each other, with your excitement to spend the rest of your lives together, with your rings, and your happy families.

I had to get away. Getting high wasn’t cutting it anymore. And just like that.. I was gone. I went away for 2 days.

I stopped thinking about you holding her the way you held me, or looking into her eyes the way u looked into mine, or kissing her the way you kissed me. I stopped thinking about her hands touching you the way mine did. And I was truly happy. Totally serene and calm. In touch with myself again. It was all ok for a moment.

Then you came back. You came back to me. And it was like you'd never left. Except for one thing. The ring. That f*****g ring. I don’t think I can put in words the way I felt when I saw it. The way it makes me feel every time I see it.

But it was going to be ok. Because we were going to be friends, we had to be JUST friends. And like it or not, I'd have to adjust. And so it began... a new chapter, a new type of relationship for us. We were friends.

I had missed you so much; I missed your kiss, missed sleeping in your arms, and missed waking up to you. And I didn’t want to let that go... I wasn't ready to end it all when u decided it was time.

I couldn't remember our last kiss... it was unfair.

But then you held my hand, like we used to. You slept in my arms again, like you used to. And you finally kissed me again.

You were mine again... But you weren’t. You were never mine.

I never ask and you never tell. And for that I'm grateful. I really am. But sometimes it drives me crazy knowing that you talk. Knowing that you're both trying to make it work. That she texts you and calls you. Then it hits me: YOU ARE NOT MINE. You never were and never will be.

I guess now I’m writing this to tell you that you really broke me.

You broke me worse than when he emotionally and verbally abused me every day for a year and a half. You broke me worse than my breakup with the only man I felt for before did. You broke me in a way that no one else and nothing else can.

No matter how many times I say it. No matter how far I look into the future. It just doesn’t settle in.

I know it’s going to end. I know that eventually, ill have to leave or you'll have to get married and it’s going to end. And life will go on as if I never happened. As if it was just a dream... a short rollercoaster of a dream.

So I try to hold onto the moments we have now. Because that’s all I'm going to have when I'm alone and you’re with her. It’s all I’ll have after you go and leave me behind. I try to keep every memory, but I cant. It seems like time slips away so fast when I'm in your arms... I never have time. It’s never enough. And the next thing I know... it’s gone. And I don’t know if ill ever get a moment like that again.

They say that friends make better lovers. Well... my friend has a smile that lights up my world. He can make me laugh with the smallest gestures. He's the most passionate person I know. He is the most loyal friend. The most humble guy. He has so much love in him to give, and so much pain to hide. He is vulnerable and strong. He needs affection and gives love. He's a man, with all the meaning that is carried in this word.

I love the color of his eyes, the freckles on his ears and back, the hair on his chest, the feeling of his hands, the shape of his beard, the way he talks, the way he sleeps, and above all, I love the way he kisses me. How he just lingers for a second before moving away and coming back with his slightly parted lips.
I'm so used to you in my life. I don’t know how I’ll ever adjust or be ok without you. Without seeing you everyday, or holding you.

Meeting you is what I look forward to all day long. No matter where I am or what I'm doing. I love going to bed when you’re in it. And I feel incomplete when I know I won’t get to be in your arms the nights you go back home.

Even with all the indicators and warnings flashing in my face, I can’t hate you. I can’t see you as a jerk that's just playing with my feelings to get some sort of temporary relief. Because I know you. You're not like that. I know you. Maybe you got engaged because it’s hard to let go of the past, and in this case, it was a now-or-never deal. And since we'll never happen, it just made sense to take the 'now' option. Or maybe it’s all just a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing, and I'm alone in here feeling this way. I just don’t believe that you can love two. You cant. You don’t have the right.

Which can only mean one thing… you don’t. You don’t love me, you love her. That can be the only explanation to your decision to try making the long distance work.

I just talked to that friend who knew how I felt. He didn’t know how bad it had gotten. I guess it was because I hadn’t told him all the details. Because I couldn’t. I know he wouldn’t judge me. I'm sure of it, but I didn’t want him looking at me differently though. Because I think I look at myself differently now.

And I hate you for that. I truly do! I gave you allowances, I made you the exception. And all for what? So you can love another girl?

That friend asked me details about the terms of our friendship. He asked me if we’ve kissed, or more. He asked if this was before or after your engagement. Both, I said. Before and after. And he paused. “What the f**k?!”. “What the f**k are you doing?!”

I don’t know. I swear I don’t know! If I knew I wouldn’t be here, trust me. I would understand. For the rest of the conversation, he was merely repeating all the echoes in my head, all those voices asking and wondering. Looking for some sort of explanation as to what is happening. Wanting answers. The voices that I had so cleverly shut out and turned into background noise that only emerges when I see that f*****g ring.

He told me two things that I can’t stop repeating in my head over and over and over again. He said that if I had stopped what we do now, that you would never call me back. He had been wondering why you were so aggressive, and now he knew. Now he knew why.

Aggressive… it perfectly describes your attempts to keep me around. He was right.

“He’s 200% playing with you… whether you accept this for yourself, that’s a different story”

So now I have to ask, are you? Are you just playing?

You got so weird when you realized that there might be something going on with another guy. You said you wouldn’t share me. But we’re friends, right? Aren’t we?

I find the voices in my head getting louder and louder now. Wanting to scream out and ask you:

Why did you get engaged to her?

Why were you so persistent to get with me if you had someone else on your mind?

Are you playing with me?

Are you lying to me? Just telling me what I want to hear?

Was I just a challenge? Just a mad race to the finish line?

Why me?

Why are you investing so much effort and energy to keep me around?

How long do you want me around for? Just till you’re back in her arms?

Why are you cheating on her?

Did you ever love me? Even for a second?

Did you have any kind of remotely similar feeling about me?

How often do you think about me?

Who am I to you?

I find these voices wanting to scream out and tell you: I LOVE YOU!! I’ve been in love with you since you held my hand in yours for the first time.

I’m running out of words. But not out of questions. I have no answers, and I’m begging you. Give me some answers. Put my mind to rest. Just one. Just answer one of these questions.

I wonder… I wonder how I drifted so far away from reality. How did I end up here? Willing to give up everything for you. My friends, my sanity, my life, my reality, my belief of what’s right and what’s wrong, self-respect and most of all my perspective. I'm blind. I'm lost.

I’ve been asked: “what do you want?”

“I don’t know” I always say I don’t know. But I do, I want you. I want you so badly its physically, mentally, and emotionally hurting me… I love you so much that I hate you.

At the end of it all…
I just thought you should know, that even after all the warning signs, the disclaimers, and the happily never afters I heard... I’ve fallen for you.

Hard…

© 2013 taami

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Dominique Lambright

Wow, this reminds me of someone I know who is now a stalker to my boyfriend. The only difference is I know he isn't doing anything with her and he ignores a lot of her calls and messages. she's a crazy ex who can't get over the fact that he has moved on. I would say let this man go because you're just going to get deeper into the situation and you don't want to become a stalker...