Morning Blues

If it's NYC I wouldn't even dare wake up...

My senses

              awaken to a smokescreen of opaque
              gray skies with an acrid odor lingering
              above the city streets--

I

   fall back against white linen sheets
   of my precious niche - letting my mind
   wander into pristine waters--

   and be swept away in its sweet concoctions
   of lullabies - drifting to anywhere in an endless
   stream for one more hour.

Author's Note

Thanks to Naiya Wright for her review on this piece. Feel free to leave comments!

Reviews

[Nocturne]

Hey there. I'm going to make a few assumptions, all of which stem from the basic premise that you're sane and I can cut loose on this poem.

point 1; Ellipses. I hate them with a passion. Mainly because of how often they are abused. Here you're not exactly dragging them all over the public bathroom floor, but they're still annoying me with their existence. Generally (and grammatically) ellipses mean something was left out. They are usually and grammatically used in quotes. Like this: "They are...used in quotes." I strongly feel they should not be used to create a trailing-off-effect or to somehow create a pause. If you wish for a pause, use dashes, semicolons, colons, or commas.

"My eyes awaken to a smokescreen of opaque gray skies with an acrid odor lingering above the city streets-- I just want to fall back against the white linen sheets of my precious niche, and dream of alien landscapes - letting my mind wander into pristine waters-- and be swept away in it's sweet concoctions of lullabies - drifting to anywhere in an endless stream for one more hour."

I sometimes do this to poetry to get a better feel for it. My thoughts:

How can eyes awaken to an odor? You're mixing senses here. Not good. "I just want to fall back against the" and "just let my mind wander" is loose and could be trimmed down. I'd find another way to get that image across. Your use of modifiers is risky - they're borderline abstract if note just abstract. "Precious", "Pristine", "Sweet concoctions", "Endless stream", and "it's" should be "its" (the possessive).

I think you have something good there but you oscillate between concrete writing and just vague telling. Focus on more imagery, I'd say, and avoid being telly.

Message me if this seems to abrasive and I can go more in depth.

I'm glad I had a chance to read this; good luck writing!

Naiya

[THE BLACK SEAL]

this was very well done as it appeals to our snooze button hitting side...lol

[Ani Ashford]

Your words are wonderfully descriptive of the pollution of a smog filled morning... I can just feel the delicious moment of slipping back into a lazy moment in the bed. Love it!

[BelieveInCelia]

...allow your mind to rest for just one more hour...and in that hour may your dreams take you to places you have never imagine before....

I enjoyed this very much.

Celia

[Lea Jane]

I really loved this piece... I personally thought it was beautiful. The picture you painted in my mind was amazing. Great job, I look forward to reading more of your work!

[KC]

Okay, maybe I won't be the harshest of critics.... but mainly because this is great. Not perfect, mind you, but pretty great.

For starters I really love this concept. We all grow discontent and sometimes resentful of the ugly world around us and long to draw back into our precious niches to wait for the day the rain comes. The contrast between the two is masterful, you really know how to describe an item or idea in a way that sort of...manipulates... the reader into feeling the emotion you want them to feel. For instance, the way you portray the outside world as something vile and disgusting and then immediately switch into soft, pretty words when you're talking about falling back asleep. Brilliant.

Bah, okay, so bad things: I honestly don't really see anything too terribly wrong. At least nothing blatantly obvious. Although I would love for it to go on a bit longer.... however, poet's often cannot choose how long their pieces last. They are done when they are done.