Alive for Me

This is a song, written for a girl I love, and am trying so desperately to save.

I’ve got your picture in my pocket

And your silver heart around my neck

I’m looking for a miracle but I haven’t found it yet

Your left hand holds a bottle

And there’s a knife in your right

Your green eyes come alive

As the demonic blade bites

 

Angel, please don’t fall

I know you can pull through

Just close your eyes and breathe

Don’t end your life too soon

 

I’m watching from so far away

Only hearing your voice through the phone

I want you to come with me

But I’m always alone

Baby you’re about to crash and burn

I’ve told you how much I love you

But will you ever learn?

 

Angel, please don’t fall

I need you to pull through

Just close your eyes and breathe

Don’t end your life too soon

 

I’m fighting against the crowd to reach you

But you’re a dancer on the distant stage

And in the story of my life

Someone’s torn out that page

The background music has no melody

It’s just raw distortion and sound

Now the audience is revolting

And I’ve been thrown on the ground

Reviews

[Rachael]

I like the first verse a lot, the rhythm's good and it flows well.
The first chorus is it supposed to be "i know you will come through"?

I think maybe you should try to rework the second verse. In the second line (Only hearing your voice through the phone) I think there are too many syllables, like if you take out the "only" it would work better but I also think that might take away a lot of the significance from that line.

I think there's also one too many syllables in both "baby you're about to crash and burn" and "i've told you how much I love you" maybe you could change them to "baby you're gunna crash and burn" and "you know how much I love you"
Also in the last verse I would use a two syllable word instead of revolting.

You should take all that advice with a grain of salt though, since it could just be the way that I'm reading it that tells me how many syllables there should be. And since this is a song it's entirely possible I'm reading it wrong and the music underneath could fit exactly.

Good job!

[Daisy Morgy]

REALLY GOOD!

[Alicia Hirshey]

This was splendid. I loved it.