fireworks of stars

We'll walk hand in hand

in a field of daisies

each whispering

their little secrets

to the wind.

The willow tree

beyond us dances

in it's own trance

that we try to understand

by kissing the bark.

A geometric heart

has been carved

eternally

where we share "I love you's".

Beauty waves

from the sky,

and no matter

whose eyes

behold it,

It is beautiful

and wonderful and

full of bliss that we might

burst into

fireworks of stars,

and now we can

make the night shine too.

Reviews

[Iika]

I really like the vivid imagery of the field of daisies and the willow tree, they set up a sweet and calm atmosphere that works beautifully.

If you are going to work on this poem more, my suggestion would be to reconsider the phrasing of "and no matter what eyes behold it". The idea behind it is clever (the sky is so breathtaking in this case beauty isn't in the eye of the beholder), but the way it's phrased is pretty unusual and complicated and that will make the reader stop and read it again to understand what’s going on, which in a poem like this disrupts the flow of words, which is a shame because otherwise the flow of this poem gentle and lovely, like a lively stream in the woods. Having something simpler would work better, in my opinion. (Maybe something along the lines of "and no matter who beholds it" might work?)

After that part though the flow continues to be great and I love how the rapid succession of descriptions (beautiful/wonderful/full of bliss) builds up to a quicker pace, racing towards the end, and then the tension is released with a burst of fireworks. It's a very powerful finish, in contrast with the calm beginning.

[sweetbuddha]

Thank you for your insight, positive criticism, and read :) I appreciate it very much.

[Iika]

My pleasure! To be honest in my opinion only poems that are good to begin with are worth criticising, since they are the ones that have it in them to become great ones. :)

[sweetbuddha]

Haha. Thanks! That means a lot, that you liked it that much! :)