Advice

I was supposed to write a poem with an "authoritative tone" for class. It was 2am and I got this.

Hey!

You forgot to feed me today.

How could you do that to me?

Yeah I know you had a date.

But I have something even more important:

A f*****g stomach!

And so, while you were out with

her, whose twiggy legs look like

the stupid bones I choke on

when I eat your fish sandwiches,

I was stuck staring into the dark

silvery depths of my food bowl.

And for what?

I bet you don’t even remember

what her face looks like.

Well….

Do you remember Mike?

You know, the one two doors down

with the hairy

caterpillar on his face

who thinks that it’s okay to mow the

lawn in a speedo?

Yeah.

He’s banging her.

Don’t ask me how I know.

News travels fast man.

And you sure know how to pick ‘em

This is what happens when

you ditch your best buddy, your pal,

your friendly local stud with lush golden

tresses and a killer body

who is all smiles whenever you come home

(and believe me, smiling is hard when your lips

hang off the sides of your face)

for one of those clown-faced

glittery creatures whose hairless appendages

I have absolutely no interest in seeing

(I have an excuse to be naked

all the time). Especially one who

ditches you

for the neighbor

who mows his lawn in a f*****g speedo.

Maybe next time, if you feed me,

I’ll be kind enough to write it out for you

with my kibble treats

And if you don’t take my advice

I’ll pee in the next one’s stilettos