In Fear of Twenty

O' nights on the flight I court thee once again, like I have my nascent years through,

As monotone sighs of old bred breathless dread; breathless I now await you,

Strangled in dark by serpentine ways for I know not what end to pursue...

Shall I return retrace the timeless trails, oft-abused bliss thought I outgrew?

Laymen figures of day meet my words, servile and helpless who yield,

Exposed to the scrutiny of a thousand leers, to weep by my secrets revealed,

O' precious pages purged, ink mindless spilled, to record such thoughts inane!

Did leave me in fear of evergreen naivety; is it old stupid self I still remain?

Takes tender novel, takes ears earnest, so these words may breathe and cohere,

For it cannot but be in brutal irony nor bother with the brazenly austere!

'Tis true tenderness is toughest to tame, in tongue-tied terror traps me,

Must I dwell on dreams yet live in fear of calls of sweet intimacy?

O' nights on the flight I court thee once again, why they slither by faster than they should?

So I search windows for scattered silhouettes like lonely sparks in old neighbourhood;

And memory but strangest stream of snippets, severed-stitched senseless like vapour,

Why it's meant no thing in all this weary while - no promises to discover.

Reviews

[Boring~Potato]

"In Fear of Twenty" is a reflective, emotionally charged poem that contemplates the anxiety and uncertainty of growing older, particularly as one faces the threshold of a new decade. The speaker wrestles with the fear of change, the loss of innocence, and the tensions that come with the passage of time. There is a sense of nostalgia for youthful simplicity, but also a realization that this idealized version of self may have been "naive" or "stupid" in its unguarded nature.

The opening lines, “O' nights on the flight I court thee once again, like I have my nascent years through,” immediately evoke a sense of cyclical introspection. The "flight" could be interpreted as a metaphor for the passing of time—flying by quickly, without the speaker fully grasping it. The "nascent years" hint at a youthful innocence that the speaker is now revisiting with a mixture of longing and regret. This sense of reflection is furthered by the phrase "breathless dread," suggesting that with the passing years comes a certain fear of facing what lies ahead, even as the speaker is caught in the grip of the past.

The poem’s tone shifts between existential anxiety and self-doubt, with the speaker questioning their own growth and transformation: “Did leave me in fear of evergreen naivety; is it old stupid self I still remain?” This is a crucial moment in the poem, where the speaker confronts the tension between the self they were and the person they are becoming. The idea of "evergreen naivety" is especially poignant, as it speaks to the lingering innocence that refuses to be shed, even as the speaker tries to grow beyond it.

The poem also touches on themes of vulnerability and the complexity of relationships, especially through the metaphor of “tender novel” and “ears earnest.” The phrase "tenderness is toughest to tame" reveals the speaker’s internal struggle with intimacy and emotional openness. The fear of intimacy becomes an essential thread throughout the poem, particularly when the speaker asks, "Must I dwell on dreams yet live in fear of calls of sweet intimacy?" This captures the duality of yearning for connection while simultaneously fearing it, a tension that underpins the entirety of the poem.

The recurring image of “nights on the flight” and the speaker’s search for "scattered silhouettes like lonely sparks in old neighbourhood" evokes a sense of longing for the past, yet there’s a melancholy undertone to this search—like grasping for something elusive, something that no longer exists or has faded beyond recognition. The "memory but strangest stream of snippets" further deepens this sense of loss and fragmentation, suggesting that the passage of time has left the speaker with a collection of disjointed, intangible recollections.

The closing lines, “Why it's meant no thing in all this weary while - no promises to discover,” encapsulate the poem’s feeling of existential futility. The speaker seems to come to terms with the idea that, despite all the searching and longing, there is no clear answer, no promise of fulfillment or resolution. It’s a powerful, sobering conclusion that reflects the internal conflict of navigating adulthood and coming to terms with the ambiguity of life.

Overall, "In Fear of Twenty" is a beautifully melancholic and introspective poem that navigates the complicated emotions tied to growing older. Swagato Saha’s use of rich, lyrical language and striking metaphors invites the reader into a deep, emotional exploration of time, self, and relationships. The poem’s themes of fear, nostalgia, and uncertainty resonate universally, making it a poignant reflection on the human experience of change and self-discovery.

[Boring~Potato]

This poem is a compelling and thought-provoking exploration of the human condition. It's a testament to the power of language to capture the complexities of emotion and the enduring quest for self-understanding.