Permanent Scar

Who knew I would consider myself a heart breaker? A heartbreaker to the one I loved, but was too afraid to let him in. Every day I live in a shell, afraid. Afraid of all the mistakes, regrets, past, present, future.. I’ve been broken, used, left out, cut off. Sometimes you wonder why I push everyone away. I’m tired..I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of caring, I’m tired of loving, I’m tired of worrying, I’m tired of looking back and noticing everyone that I once trusted and loved.. all just became another stranger in the crowd. I’m tired of getting so attached and letting my guard down knowing that..I end up getting hurt.

Sometimes I miss him, but he would never believe me. I know he misses everything, but the past is the past I can’t fix it and neither can he. Being close to him makes me feel safe and happy… I’ve never had anyone show me what love was until he came along. Sometimes.. I still don’t know what it is. I guess the way he made me smile and laugh even when I didn’t want too, the way he could tell something was bugging me, the way his hugs seem to make a lot of things feel better that I don’t want to let go, the little things that he does that just makes makes my day a whole lot better. The fact that we constantly fight with each other but yet still manage to stand by each other, the fact that we can’t go a week without talking to each other or even seeing each other. I don’t know maybe I still don’t know what love is..

I pushed him away, when he was falling hard for me, something I was trying to avoid. But I guess you could say it didn’t work… I broke him. I broke the definition of love for him. Guess you could say I am monster.. Every night I pray to god wondering why you came into my life? I wanted to know.. You were someone special to me, someone I felt the need to protect, to love, to care for. You’re someone I can’t let go, no matter how much I try.. I can’t. I.. I just can’t.

Please forgive me, forgive me for breaking your heart, forgive me for entering your life, just forgive me for everything. You are my permanent scar..

Author's Note

This is not everything, but I've just had a few things that just bugged me that I just needed to let some things out, sometimes I don't have many people to go too now and days usually its just myself. But I would like to hear from some of you, so I hope you enjoy it.

Reviews

[song writer]

I understand where you're coming from I think a lot of us do we push people away when they get to close because we're afraid we're going to get hurt in my case I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt again then we have our worry about the smallest things we push them away even more just wanting to stay where we are because we don't want to get hurt even more. In the end though it just leaves us sad and alone and with a permanent scar as you call it embedded in us.

[jeannemarie coulter]

relationships require both people to work, and the fault when they fail is caused by both participants, i can feel both anger and pain in your words...as well as moments of joy and pleasure...there are a few typos which you will find when next you edit...keep writing as it heals the heartsoul and thank you for sharing...

[Coyote Poetry]

Life is scars and lessons.
"Please forgive me, forgive me for breaking your heart, forgive me for entering your life, just forgive me for everything. You are my permanent scar.. "
Your story real and true. Hard to be un-scar in the dance of love. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Amber Lily]

Ah yes this feeling is something I know all too well. It's strange how even these dark feelings can even turn into some kind of art. But that's what art is, something created with emotion. Sometimes in life, we decide to make a decision that could go one way or another. By staying in your shell you may have pushed them away but keep in mind, he can't forget about you. I've been in a similar situation where I messed up and I thought this person would never even look at me again. But in time, he did. I explained myself and while separated I worked on the issue I had. He forgave me, and it was one of the best moments in my life. I suppose my main message to you here is to not give up hope. Even if it has been a year or two and you still feel this way, keep hope at your side. You wonder why you met this person in life, maybe the purpose just hasn't been clear yet, keep your chin up :)
The supportive community on this site is unbelievable, I've seen us all help each other through hard times, and I think others make real friends here. Even if you don't want to write about it, you could always message someone on here you favor and they could help you talk it out. Don't be afraid to ask for help :)

[Suvada]

thank you :)

[Moonlight]

I have actually been there in your place. That was 2 years ago... And today I have someone else in my life who is actually too stubborn to leave even when I push them away. Even I am scared of promises and commitments. My point of view towards them is skeptic. Was skeptic but probably will change in the further future.

I have broken a heart.... too by pushing him away... because I was afraid to let him in... But now... things have changed a little..

I hope things change for you too.. Suvada. You can always talk to me if you have something bugging you. Sometimes, it is easier to open up to strangers than the ones you know. If you want to.. or if you feel like it, just pm me.. I'll be sure to reply real quick.

Thanks for sharing this piece. It is a really heartfelt one. Best of luck. :)

[Suvada]

and thank you for listening to me when I needed someone ill be sure to come to you when something does bug so again thank you :)

[Moonlight]

Anytime. I'll be glad to help if I could in any way possible. :)

[Aries1984]

Unfortunately I've been down this road myself. It's a life lesson to be learned. I sure learned my lesson. But it is one that sucks when you're going through it. We don't know how much we need to appreciate something or someone, and how much we need them in our lives, until we have lost them. That's when we get slapped with just WHAT we lost from our lives.

[Valentine]

Sometimes the one we threw away turns out to have been the one we should have kept. Valentine

[Stephen]

Such a sad story. I can relate. It's good that you expressed it though. It's never good to keep things bottled up. It's good that you have found a medium that you can release all of this pent up emotions. Thanks for sharing

[Perkele.7885]

I read your story once, the way that you have written it here, then I read it again properly punctuating where it was necessary and adding or detracting a word as was necessary. Doing this, your poem, obtained energy and read so much better.
As for the body of your poem itself, try and be more attentive to detail.

[Suvada]

Okay thank you :)

[DoormanDan]

This is such a sad story you've written here, and the words are just fueled by the personal experiences you say that you've been through lately. I've never really been in love before, so there's not much I can really say or do to try and help you out, but one thing I can tell you is that you are reacting the way that anybody with a kind heart would react. I may not know what a break up feels like, but I do know what it's like to believe that I've let somebody down, and I can tell you that it doesn't make you a bad person in any way. Why? Because you care. As long as you continue to care about the feelings of those who are close to you, and as long as your desire is to be everything you believe they want you to be, you will still be a beautiful person. You still have plenty of time left in your life to make things right, and you've already taken the first step towards reconciliation; admitting that you were wrong. The next thing to do(unless you have already tried this) is to just try to apologize, and let your lover KNOW that you still care about the things that the two of you have built together, and that you don't want those things to end. If he doesn't forgive you then, just give it some time, and if he still doesn't forgive you, move on. If you let yourself be bogged down with guilt and self-loathing, you will make many more mistakes in your life, and that is truly something that I(nor most of the people both on this website and in your everyday life) want to see you do. You can't change the fact that you are human, so the best thing to do is accept everything that happens, try to fix where you think you can fix it, and then carry on. If this little story you've written here is in any way a reflection of who you are as a person, I can tell you that you are not a bad person in any way, shape or form.

I really do hope that my words are any help to you whatsoever, and I also hope that everything gets better between you and your lover. I say this with all my heart. Take care ,and stay strong Suvada. :)

[Suvada]

The fact that you took the time to read it and leave it comment is helpful so yes your words are a good help thank you :)

[DoormanDan]

You are very welcome, I'm glad I was able to be of help :)