Damaged

She always dreamed for a perfect family growing up,

yet she dreamed for a lot of things.

yelling,

screaming,

shouting,

but she didn’t want to be afraid either.

Home never felt like home to her.

but why?

Why did it have to be like that?

Always had the fear of going home,

afraid that something will go wrong,

afraid that something will get torn apart.

Her dad,

it was him, she tries to run away from

and hope for happiness someplace else.

He never wanted a baby girl,

at first..

but its not like he could do anything about it.

He cut her hair as a boy,

dressed her up as one,

and treated her as one.

Until a baby boy came into their lives.

After that.

its like she never existed.

She loved her brother.

She promised to protect him from anything that may hurt him,

She promised to care for him even if he doesn’t believe that she does

She promised to have his back.

And she planned to keep it

Throughout life she’s always had a little black hole in her heart.

She’s been hurt,

      ignored,

treated like crap,

used,

   left alone.

As a young one mom was always at work,

which meant no mommy.

Having to feel alone throughout the day while daddy

has his laughs with his son.

At night,

she would cry herself to sleep,

with her moms shirt tucked under head.

Praying to god for her to not feel so empty and broke.

She protected,

     loved,

and cared for anyone

she surrounded herself with,

hoping to fill that hole inside her.

but yet nothing…

The older she got,

the less her and her dad got along.

They went weeks without talking,

and days arguing.

She fought for herself,

her mom,

her brother.

but yet she doesn’t know why.

Mother;

stressed out;

and fragile.

Brother;

clueless

Her;

   Damaged..

6 years ago, dad almost walked out of their lives.

Why didn’t he?

Family seemed easy for him to let go and forget about.

Her brother made him stay, forced and begged him.

he was 9 at the time..

and she was 12…

6 years later..

it was us he wanted to kick out,

and get rid of.

its like he didn’t care,

like family never meant anything to him

“I knew it”

She thought

Tears rolling down her cheeks

So much yelling back and forth

She couldn't handle it, she was scared.

She wanted to leave, but then she didn’t, she couldn’t.

She needs her other half…

her brother.

She doesn’t want to be separated from him,

she promised to protect him and be there for him.

Mom by the door, dad on the couch.

Mom claims; he never loved her, if he did he would have never spit on her and told her things he shouldn’t have.

Dad keeps screaming GET OUT

her and her brother, yet again, both stuck in the middle just like 6 years ago.

“He’s still clueless, he doesn’t know,I tried to keep it from him, but its too late,” she thought.

A tear rolls down her face and she could see the pain in her brothers eyes,

he doesn’t want his family to end like this…

neither did she, but she was helpless.

Mom started walking out the door, leaving as requested.

Her brother dragged her back inside and hugged her, begging for her not to leave.

I couldn’t take it anymore,

I slowly dropped down to the ground and heard myself cry,

heard my moms whimpers,

heard my brothers voice begging her to stay.

Yet dad staying quiet showing no emotion.

Does it not kill you to know your family is crying and hoping to not fall apart?

I guess not..

This happened six years ago…

and now six years later…

Why does it have to happen twice to us?

But again my brother saved this family.

But Were we meant to be a “happy” family?

OR

Were we meant to be broken up?

No emotions,

No words,

new marks,

Someone help me.

I need someone to look me in the eyes and tell me

“Its going to be alright, stay strong.”

That will never happen nor exist and I don’t think a “happy” family will either .

Mentally and physically…

I         AM        DAMAGED