The Blue Rain Killer - new draft

A detective hunts a mastermind serial killer who uses a unique way to kill his victims with no weapons or traces. The hunter becomes the prey in a world where reality blends in deadly ways.

The Blue Rain Killer

The twelfth of February, 2014.

The sun blazed down and sent its torrents of light to fight away the coldness of the night. The clouds that showered the city with rain the whole night long had no other choice but running away. They scattered in the sky. Chased everywhere by the brave warriors of the sun.

Down on the ground, everything seemed normal in front of and inside the police station. Out of a sudden, four SUVs took a sharp turn and entered the street. Their engines roared louder than a group of angry lions. Faster than the blowing wind they raced toward the police station and screeched to a halt still in front of it.

Almost immediately, three men jumped out of each vehicle, dressed in long black coats with hoods. Their faces were hidden behind white masks and their hands held semi-automatic weapons. The men took cover behind their SUVs and other cars and rained the police station with bullets.

The attackers had the element of surprise on their side. The cops who happened to be in front of the police station in the time of the attack stood no chance. In no time, other cops emerged out of the police station, armed and ready to fight back. The bullets of the attackers flew toward the police station and harvested the souls of the cops, the same way a swarm of locusts invades a field and leaves it lifeless.

More cops got out only to find a surprise waiting for them. Three of the attackers kneeled, aimed at the police station with their rocket launchers, and fired.

"RPG, take cover!" One of the cops exclaimed in fear.

Everyone dived and scrambled for cover behind the cop cars in the parking lot, while the three missiles flied fast above their heads and through the main entrance of the building. In less than a moment, three explosions tore the whole place apart.

The explosions took down many of the cops inside, either killing them or injuring them too badly that they could do nothing but screaming in pain. Those who survived the attack quickly grabbed their weapons and tried to get outside to defend the place. Surrounded by the dense smoke and the screams of their wounded colleagues, the cops scrambled toward the entrance while the shredded concrete that covered the ground did its best to stop them. They breathed dust and smoke instead of air and the faint light of the day they could hardly see was what made them keep going until they managed to get out.

"Oh my God," One of the cops said once he saw the bodies of the dead cops scattered in the parking lot. His eyes widened in fear and shock, mixed with a bit of disbelief. A bullet in the middle of his forehead ended his surprise and send him to the ground, dead, just like the others.   

The other cops were smart enough to take cover almost immediately after they got out of the police station. They desperately fired back at the attackers. But no matter what they did, they failed to hit any of the attackers. On the contrary, the attacker's bullets killed the cops one after the other. The attackers fired RPGs at the cars in the parking lot, sending the cars, and the cops who hid behind them, into the air then back to the ground. The battle was turning into a massacre.

The last wave of cops scrambled out of the police station and into cover, to join those who survived the RPGs strike. They heard squeals of brakes and looked to see four special forces SUVs getting closer. Hope crept into the faces of the cops. They help had arrived.

Hope immediately turned into fear when the cops saw the special forces SUVs stop across the street and the troops get out and start firing at the police station too. The special forces troops ignored the attackers, as if they didn't exist, and kept firing at the police station, taking down many cops. The remaining cops had no other choice but pulling themselves together and fighting back.

The cops were facing the special forces troops and the mysterious attackers who fought side by side.

At the far end of the street, the tires of detective Sam Cabral's car screeched as the car came to an abrupt stop. Immediately, he got out, and with eyes wide open and mouth agape, took some steps toward the battle field. His legs had mind of their own and forced him to stop. He stood still there, simply staring at the unbelievable scene. He blinked over and over again, until he made sure that what he was seeing wasn't a hallucination. It was very real.

From Sam's perspective, it looked like the mysterious attackers didn't exist nor they had ever attacked the police station. There was no blood spilled from the cops who laid dead in the parking lot. No bullet holes either. As if they died because of natural causes. There was no sign of any explosions on the police station building. All what was going on there was that the cops and the troops were firing and killing each other. Sam also saw corpses of dead civilians scattered in the street. The scene as he saw was entirely different than the one the cops were seeing.

Sam squinted. "They're really shooting each other. That's not possible."

The sweet voice of twelve-year-old Sara came from behind him. "It is not. But it is happening."

He turned toward the direction of the voice and saw her. A very beautiful girl in a long flowing dress. Her hair was long and silky, and her eyes were wide, green, and entrancing. She painted a smile on her lips and slowly approached him.

"Believe it or not, the cops lost their minds and started to randomly shoot the civilians! The special forces troops moved to stop the lunatic cops and now the cops and the troops are killing each other!" she said. "How strange!"

Sam simply gazed at her smiley face. He was too shocked to utter a word or to even blink. His mind couldn't come up with any explanation for what was happening.

Sara stepped closer. "Oh, you're dying to know what's going on!"

He simply gazed at her. She smiled evilly and looked him in the eye.

"Take another look. You will see it the way they saw it."

He looked, and for his surprise, the scene was entirely different. He could see the three SUVs of the mysterious attackers and the masked attackers firing at the police station. The building was torn apart because of the explosions and the cops who laid dead on the ground were covered in blood. There was no dead civilians on the street or the pavements. The scene showed that the cops were actually defending the place.

Sam couldn't even blink.

Sara moved herself to face him.

"Amazing, isn't it?"

"W-What...is going on? What is...happening to me?" he muttered, closing his eyes and putting a hand on his head. "I'm losing my mind."

"No, you're not. He's just messing up with your eyes, and with theirs too."

Sam stared hard at her. "He?"

"Yes. He used an illusion to make the cops believe they were under attack. Imaginary attackers. Bullets. Explosions. Screams. Blood! The cops believed it. I mean, they had to. It looked and felt so real! So, they did what they had to do. Defending the place."

Sam followed her with his eyes as she paced back and forth. "So, the cops started to fire real bullets at imaginary attackers." She stopped and faced him with a smile. Her eyes sparkled in excitement. "And guess who was hit with their bullets?"

"The civilians..."

"Exactly. Passersby. Pedestrians. Anyone who was unlucky enough to be there at that moment. So, everyone, other than the cops of course, believed the cops lost their minds and started killing civilians with no reason. They sent the special forces squad to deal with them and...here we are."

"But...if the attackers and their bullets weren't real, what killed those cops?"

A wide grin found its way to Sara's lips. "He did."

Sam squinted his eyes. "He? You mean The...Blue Rain Killer?"

"Oh! That's what you call him! I like it! But sadly you call him wrong." She smiled. "His named is The Cyclone."

"What?"

"The Cyclone. Like a twister. He twists your mind and eyes."

Long silence and the sound of the bullets that echoed in the distance dominated for some moments.

"Who are you? And how do you know...all of this?" Sam mumbled.

"You have a more important matter to attend to now," she said.

Sam's cell phone rang. Sam looked down at it then back at Sara's face. She smiled.

"Brace yourself. He has come for you," she said.

Sam eyed her with eyes full of fear.

           ************   

Author's Note

New perspective. Still need reviews. Thank you all.

Reviews

[EYES OF MY SOUL]

Wonderfully written sorry it took me so long to respond back but I really enjoy the story.They only thing if I could point out was the way you phrase your sentences for example at they end of your fifth sentence you write Out of a sudden,I'm not perfect but you did want me to critque your story and so that was an example of one sentence phrase strangely.Other than that the action scenes were really entertaining,great work!

[Austin]

Before I begin, I would like to say that this is just my opinion, and my opinion comes from neither a well-read nor a prolifically-written mind. Please take that in mind as you read this. Also, just to prepare you, this will have a lot of criticism in it. I don't mean to discourage or insult you; all of this is just my opinion of what I think of the story.

"The sun blazed down and sent its torrents of light to fight away the coldness of the night. The clouds that showered the city with rain the whole night long had no other choice but running away. They scattered in the sky. Chased everywhere by the brave warriors of the sun."

That's all well and good, but the rest of the story has little-to-no focus on any sort of description of the setting, making this paragraph superfluous. In fact, the next sentence states that everything is normal. There's nothing about the rain that fell down, nothing about the coolness or the new warmth from the sun. There's nothing notable about the setting throughout the entire story/chapter, making this whole paragraph unnecessary. Also, "Chased everywhere by the brave warriors of the sun" sounds like a good sentence; I just don't think it fits in a story like this.

The next paragraph also has flowery language, but the flowery language doesn't evoke anything special. You say that the SUVs's engines roared louder than a pack of angry lions—which I suppose can be interpreted as SUVs being in a pack and coming around as a unit for the kill—but it just seems like a dead metaphor (especially considering lions hunt in packs... which may or may not just be me nitpicking). You also say they move to the station faster than the blowing wind, but instead of making me think they're moving really fast, that makes me think, "what is UNblowing wind like?" That particular one is confusing to me. On a more technical note, I believe "out of a sudden" should be "all of a sudden."

Taking that paragraph and looking at the bigger picture, it feels like you're unnecessary rushing things. In one sentence you say that everything's normal, and the next you have this scene of SUVs quickly and loudly moving in. This doesn't make sense seeing how a)you took the time to describe the weather, and b)the people the police end up shooting are not bandits or gang members, but civilians. You neither describe how the police station looks, how the police-peoples act amidst the moist and warm weather, nor if people are doing normal things as well, like walking to work or walking their dog or waiting for the bus. This could be seen as going into too much detail, but as far as I'm concerned, the situation is not properly set up or connected to where I can fit into it.

As for the big action scene between the gang and the police, and later the Special Forces, it's decent. It's got nice action to it, and nice portrayal of people being fearful and fighting for their lives. There are a few things, though, that made it seem weak. I'll list them in order as they crop up, such as things not making sense (how did they have the element of surprise if their entrance was as hectic as to sound louder than a pack of angry lions?), and some clunky language like

"They breathed dust and smoke instead of air and the faint light of the day they could hardly see was what made them keep going until they managed to get out."

I still don't know what you tried to say here. But for the most part, the fight scene was decent.

But then something happens that immediately makes the scene feel weak: the point of view changes. This not only hurts this scene, but it also hurts Sam's part in this whole thing. When we reach Sam's part, he's surprised at what he sees, but we're not. We know what the policemen are seeing, so there's not much surprise for us. Worse than that, though, with the situation already established, I don't know why Sam's important in all of this.

The main focus is not on Sam's problem of seeing the truth—even though he's the protagonist—but on what the policemen are seeing. My focus isn't on Sam, but on the fight between the policemen and the special forces and the mystery gang. Sam's just a spectator in all of this, so when he receives the message that the Cyclone is after him, he just seems to be another victim. If the policemen are hallucinating, how does this affect their view of Sam, and how Sam is able to carry out his job? Why do the civilians only receive a passing mention? And what about the special forces? Do both sides expect Sam to fight on their side—or worse yet, see him as an enemy? My biggest problem with the point-of-view shift is that the two separate points of view don't receive adequate attention in their own right—neither the internal plight of the police force nor Sam's perception—and the two points of view aren't connected enough to make the story strong.

Speaking of Sam's part, his conversation with Susan felt like a massive infodump. Given he's walking into a situation as violent, tragic and confounding as this, this feels like a massive mistake. And with how little the pandemonium is described, it feels more like a list, rather than a reflection, of what's transpiring. And just TELLING me about the distortion, and not SHOWING the confusion that befalls everyone after this is settled, ultimately makes the action scene boring.

A few more technical things:

"The sweet voice of twelve-year-old Sara came from behind him. 'It is not. But it is happening.'"

If you were aiming for us to be surprised at her appearance, you made this too verbose. I would suggest removing everything she doesn't say, and have her reveal her name later—if you keep her at all.

"Yes. He used an illusion to make the cops believe they were under attack. Imaginary attackers. Bullets. Explosions. Screams. Blood! The cops believed it. I mean, they had to. It looked and felt so real! So, they did what they had to do. Defending the place."

Firstly, isn't the fight between the police and the special forces still going on? If so, why isn't this in past tense? Secondly, "defending" would sound much better as "defend," methinks.

"Long silence and the sound of the bullets that echoed in the distance dominated for some moments."

Silence AND gunfire? This really confuses me.

"'Brace yourself. He has come for you,' she said."

This is the last one, and it's a nitpick, but I think this would sound better if it were rearranged like this:

"Brace yourself," she said. "He has come for you."

This sounds more menacing to me, and leads to the final sentence (which I think is a fairly weak one) more fluidly and with better impact.

I apologize for being very harsh, and I still don't mean to discourage or insult you, but I think this needs a lot of work. The battle between the police and the imaginary gang and the special forces is decent, but a lot of problems keep me from getting invested. The police force and Sam's separate points of view don't say enough on their own and aren't connected enough to be impactful in the same scene; there's very little description of the unfolding scene, so I couldn't get into what was happening with the weather, the civilians, or either side fighting; what description there is seems very flowery, sometimes seeming clever and other times getting in the way; the ending listing of what was going on and why ultimately makes this whole story seem less like a situation—less like an actual story—and more like a report.

PLEASE DON'T BE DISCOURAGED BY THIS. Again, this is my opinion, and I don't have a lot of experience or authority. I hope you tackle this again.

[supernegm]

That was a very helpful review! Thank you so much. I'll keep working on it and will try to improve it

[Claire in VA]

I think that the storyline is interesting.
I saw a few grammar and word usage
mistakes throughout, and that had a negative
effect on me. I do think that this has potention,
though. Good luck! Welcome to WC!

[supernegm]

thank you so much! I'll try to fix the mistakes in the next drafts

[LunarSong]

First of all I did like the metaphors and similes at the beginning, but I do think that it was a little much. Some of the grammar errors I noticed was in "either killing them or injuring them too badly that they could do nothing but screaming in pain" drop the -ing on screaming. Also "His named is The Cyclone." I think you just mean name. I didn't notice anything else, but perhaps I'm not the best for that. Very good descriptions, I loved the way you narrated it. It definitely has captured my interest. :)

[supernegm]

Thanks for stopping by and for pointing out the grammar errors. I didn't notice those errors honestly. I'm do my best to prepare a better draft. Thanks again :)

[LunarSong]

You're welcome, and I usually have a lot of grammar errors too, conventions are not my strongest point.

[Sam Ammons]

good story. where is it going? very detailed, but it has a few grammar errors. careful of too many details. in the beginning you state it's was storming, but the sun is shining down. i was a little confused. 'flew' not 'flied'. and 'Out of a sudden, four SUVs took a sharp turn and entered the street.' did you mean 'All of a sudden. . .'? i'd avoid so many similes in the future (comparing one thing to another using 'like' or 'as'). over all a good start, just make sure the story flows smoothly.

[supernegm]

Thanks for the review. Sorry I didn't notice the grammars and typos I'll try to be more careful in the upcoming drafts. I'll also make sure to cut the details a little and leave something for the reader to imagine to let the writing flow. About the story, I'd gladly inform you when I paste more in the future. Thanks again.