ambivalence

written in the form of a letter, one person explains to the other one of the things that have been roaming around in their head lately

Dear Bugger,

I must thank you, for because of you I know the meaning of the word ambivalence. Though I do not believe my life would have been worse off had I not been aware of its existence. In case you do not know, ambivalence means to feel two contradictory feelings, or have two contradicting thoughts, towards, or about, an object, or person, at the same time.

When it comes to you, I couldn’t present with a clearer manifestation of the word ambivalence in a shorter frame of time, so much so that I had to find a word to help me define it. Even so, you are not the only reason for me feeling ambivalent, just the clearest case. I also feel ambivalent towards biology, the school subject, and art, the subject, the creation of, performing arts, fine art, in general art. Yet none of these make me feel as ambivalent as you.

I must say looking back I probably felt ambivalent toward you since I met you. However, that statement could be regarded by some as false because even though I had first met you almost two years and three months ago we hadn’t gotten the chance, or possibly had a reason, to talk about anything that was unrelated to school until several months later. I don’t know what might have caused you to spend an hour talking to me that day, perhaps it was a request from a friend, maybe it was that you suddenly saw something that you hadn’t before; I have no way of knowing as on that day I developed a habit that would go on to sticking with me, say for a few specific occasions, until now, of avoiding eye contact with you. As for asking, I’m not certain if you would recall.

One would argue that we became close rather quickly, I would argue differently. Nevertheless, I do understand why some might choose to argue that point as within a week of the first time we talked you were asking me not to commit suicide. Not in so many words. However, you were sat with me on the side of the road. I would argue good partisanship, a human not wanting to fall under the category of people who have fallen pray to the bystander effect, where one believes someone else will solve the situation and, for lack of a better term, do something, you were nothing more than a good person. You still are a good person. You asked me to stay alive when I told you I would rather not survive; I think that could possibly be the root of my ambivalence toward you, if it had not spawned previously to that event. You felt like an enemy, but I knew you only wished me good. At the time being unaware of the term ambivalence and not feeling that one ought to be found I had said you were ‘sleeping with the enemy’. Like my current use of ambivalence, I never said that you were ‘sleeping with the enemy’ aloud, yet having something to call it helped me organize my thoughts.

The spark of my new ambivalent feelings was also what caused me to attempt and push you away while also accepting you. I would try and avoid you, going against any attempt you had to do anything, probably for my own benefit, that would cause us to spend even a minimal amount of time together; at the same time, I wanted you to stay with me, find me out as I attempted to avoid you. Rather quickly I told you what I had been doing, saying at the time that simply couldn’t lie to you; it was true I couldn’t lie to you, I still can’t, if I was going to lie I would need to know how I felt toward you in order to define an intention for the lie which is a key for it’s proper execution, before you I had never encountered anyone whom I can’t define my relationship with or feelings towards, consequently I never developed a mechanism with which to lie to such people.  Eventually I also explained, in a sort of way, as I still had no word to define it, nor the mental capacity to realize it, why.

You saw right through me. You know what my actions mean as if it were the reading of Shakespeare, complex and yet with a fragile attempt so easily decipherable. Your choice of when to act on these actions, however, was not. You knew perfectly well, from the very first time that I had said it, that it wasn’t entirely true when I said I hated you, what you failed to realize was that it wasn’t entirely false.

I do, in fact, hate you. Nonetheless, I understand how asking for a hug after having said that might make it appear to be a falsehood.

I told you I hate you enough times you should maybe start to believe it. instead you seem more keen on believing that the way I feel toward you is different. Perhaps you believed that it was what I told you the last time I saw you, that I loved you. Perhaps you hadn’t believed that, but you do now. It would be quite plausible as saying something through tears and holding you in such a manner that would be nothing short of saying that I was holding in to you ‘for dear life’, would be far more convincing than just uttering it’s opposite while walking you home.

In short, I do hate you, and yet I do also love you, even if I am scarce to admit it. or maybe it is that I hate that I love you. In either case I am left ambivalent toward you.

I don’t believe ambivalence is at all healthy. Not physically, nor for my mental state. So in a way I guess this is goodbye.

Best wishes,

The white Rabbit.

Author's Note

sorry if there are typos or words missing in sentences. I couldn't sleep as this was roaming through my head for the past day or so. now that it's written down i'd really rather go to bed, but i will fix any mistakes later, promise.