Chapter 1: 5 am

    As I sit in my empty apartment strained of all hope and full of self loathing all I can do is stare aimlessly at the four walls that haunt my my being. I think of my passed, one full of misfortune and pain. It has been two years since the love of my life has left me, one year since I lost everything I have ever known , and six months since I was able to work. At age 24 I am crippled with agonizing back pain, running down my leg and halting me from the ability to walk upright or sometimes at all. My joints riddled with arthritis and my head full of tormenting thoughts. I look into my wallet and see nothing but a dollar and gaze over at my desk and see a overflowing sea of passed due bills that have destroyed my credit. I look into my dresser drawer and pull out a bottle of Vicodin. I take 2 for the pain in my body and one to numb the pain in my mind.

    Once the effects have taken there toll and I am numb mind body and soul I take out my rosary beads and spend 30 minutes praying. As I say each "Hail Mary"
I emphasize the end. "Holy Mary , mother of god . Pray for us sinners , now, and in the hour of our death. Upon completion tears streaming down my face I go into the next room the most sober I have ever been in my entire life. Set out to do what I think the world needs.
    
    My eyes lite up out of fear and determination , my heart pounding  what seems to be 150 BPM. I cross my chest and take my self into the kitchen where I reach into the cabinet and pull out a lock box. I have anticipated this day for months now , but I have wanted to be sure this is the right decision. So I have hidden the lock box in the kitchen and the key on the other end of the apartment. Outside in fact, wrapped in cloth tied to a string connecting to a banister on my balcony and bound in tape.  I feel what I am about to do is selfish and I know the repercussions so I can not be held unaccountable due to insanity. I pull the key up and I unwrap it slowly. It gives me a chance to think twice on what I am about to do.

     "F**k it"! I proclaim to my self. It seems to be the only answer. I slowly walk back to the kitchen thinking of everyone I have ever met. What they will all say when this is over. Will these people shed tears for me or will they curse me for my actions. At this point I care not, everyone and everything has been taken away from me and I am tired of disappointment in life, I am tired of disappointment in mankind. I think about the wars where there could be peace. I think about suffering where there could be great health care. I think about hunger where there could be food , and I think about the family sleeping in the park where they could have a home.

    So many thoughts running trough my head as they do everyday. I can't stop them and I want to personally handle everyones misfortune, but I can't. I feel the pain of these people without knowing them. The world is going to hell and I can't stop it. Your Superman's , your Batman's , your Punisher's they are all fictional. The only thing we have is a corrupt system were the rich get rich and the poor get poorer. The evil are given high government positions and control the judicial system leaving tyrants to map out our futures in all countries around the world. A cliche maybe so but reality it is.

    I had recently took a job for several weeks working construction. I had saved enough to get my credit cards paid in full and put back a few thousand dollars. I actually am still employed and expected to be on site Monday. For a short while I was getting my debts aid and things were looking up for me. Then the racing thoughts came back to me. The horrible suffering in the world manifested into my mind. It once again seemed hopeless and I felt I had no control. For once I was going to take back some control into my life.

    I took the key to the kitchen and unlocked the box as I opened it very slowly I observed the contents.One gram of cocaine , two vials of pharmaceutical morphine, one bottle of aspirin , and wrapped in a baby blue cloth a . 22 revolver. I showered , and pulled the tags off of a brand new white tailored blazer, some faded dark wash jeans. and a tailored baby blue button up , all from a respected designer. I put on a pair if black socks and brand new leather shoes.

    Tonight I felt as if I didn't have anything else to loose. Almost like an adrenaline rush with an extra boost of confidence. My articulation came from almost a year straight of avoiding real life and watching medical shows and reading poetry and novels to escape the real life. I had many goals that day just to end it with a life altering choice that was stained into my sub conscious.

    I started the day with a therapeutic massage, haircut, facial , manicure , and pedicure. I went out and rented a brand new car. I had a $25,000 limit and today and through out the night I was going to spend every penny. I walked out with their finest rental a brand new Mercedes sport car silver paint convertible with all of the extras. I felt for once in my life  was important. I looked good, I smelled good I was wearing the finest clothes and driving the finest in automobiles.

    I decided I should trade in my old silver jewlrey and cheap watch for something a little nicer. Laughing to myself thinking on the days thereafter I went into a fine jewlrey store and made a down payment with my credit card on a new $12,000 watch a beautiful diamond pinky ring with an onyx center stone and 3 carrots of diamonds surrounding with a platinum setting., a bracelet that was rather inexpensive compared to the other purchases, and beautiful platinum crucifix charm covered in diamonds , a Saint Christopher platinum piece and two platinum necklaces one as big around as my pinkie finger.  I spent a total of $8,000 in charges for my down payment. Since I still had over $10,000 left on my card I decided to continue.

    I withdrew $1,000 from my card for spending cash and went to the airport and flew to Charleston ,SC. I remembered this amazing place I once had lunch located somewhere off of King street. It was around 2 in the afternoon once I had arrived. I checked into a hotel on King St. and broke out a couple of lines of the cocaine to get me up and moving. I had been up since 5 a.m. so I felt today I can afford to indulge. I will never walk these streets again so I would like to have a good 24hours of fun before it is all over.

    After I jacked myself up on the white powder I sent up through my nose felt running rampid through my bloodstream I took two Vicodin and a Xanax. I made my way down to the bar and ordered a scotch on the rocks. As the bartender was pouring my drink she looked at me and ask me " Are you traveling alone to our city or are you here with a friend or girlfriend". " No, I'm here by myself I just needed to get away" I replied. " That's what I thought " she said empathetically." I can always tell the ones stressed out from work or relationships". As I got more distant and quiet she said " So ! , which one is it . As I looked at her with confusion and a raised brow. she finished " Are you getting away from stress at work or a relationship."

    "Oh , I'm sorry my mind drifted for a bit. Neither one really except maybe the stress of not having any relationships to stress about . If that makes any sense at all." I proclaimed smirking and softly laughing.

    As she told me she was ll to aware with that feeling she started telling me how she had moved from a small town in Georgia to go to medical school. At that moment I drifted off and was lost in her eyes. Her brown hair contrasted so perfectly with her beautiful green eyes and gorgeous facial bone structure. Her skin looked as if it was made of pure silk and her frame was beyond words.

"Your not listening to a word I am saying are you" she laughed.

"No, no I was I just got carried away in my thoughts" I replied " I don't mean to sound like the typical guy hitting on you , which I'm sure you get every day , and I do apologize about drifting off twice now in our very brief conversation, but I'm only in town for a few more hours. Would you like to grab something to eat on your break or something.?"

"Well as flattering is that is , why are you only in town for a few hours. It says on your room tab you just checked in 45 min. ago." she asked

"Well like I said I've just been going through some stuff and I wanted to get out of my apartment. You know go get a bite to eat..."

"So you drove to Charleston to get something to eat?" she interrupted

I answered"Well I flew actually , from Atlanta , I just remembered about this delicious restaurant up here and I wanted to go"

"Well in that case I would love to go get some food with you. I am Jennifer by the way."

" Well good and it is very nice to meet you Jennifer I am Kenneth" I replied. At that moment briefly I reconsidered everything , but I was committed to this now I had spent a lot of money and went out on a limb to execute my plan. " Whens your break , I'm actually heading back as soon as I get some lunch. The next flight out leaves at 4:45"

" Your in luck I actually get off in 20 min." she replied. looking at me with the most beautiful smile that my eyes I have ever had the luxury of capturing. "If you want to meet me back here in , I don't know say 30 min , I will go home and get changed, and be back in no time.

" Sounds good my room number is 331 so you can call and I'll meet you in the lobby the bar or however you want to do this" I replied

"Wow , you are a amazingly nervous man aren't you Kenneth?" she asked rhetorically in a playful manner , as I just smiled foolishly and blushed. "Ok , I will see you in a few" she said as I paid my tab.

    I just smiled at her and nodded as I continued to my room. My nerves had kind of taken a hold of me for several reasons. The date being the primary and the consequence this might have to my plan for the night. I was able to sneak the coke and the morphine one the plane but I wouldn't dare try to sneak a pistol no matter how small even into the airport after 9-11. I couldn't stay and buy a new gun that would set me back at least three days due to the delay in paper work and background check. Plus, I didn't have my rental car.

    I took off my shirt as I felt a little perspiration to build under my arms and I freshened myself up in the bathroom. I then took one more Vicodin and snorted a line of coke as I awaited Jennifer to call. After about 15 min. I almost felt under water. I felt completely euphoric and all the nervous energy had left my mind and body. Still not completely dressed I heard a knock on the door. Thinking it may just be the maid or hospitality I hide the drugs in my shaving bag and answered.

    To my surprise it was Jennifer , she was standing there smiling asking if I was ready to go. It hit me all at once I will just take her back with me. She's from GA maybe she misses it and would like to see Atlanta. I can just get her a round trip ticket. Girls like spontaneity anyway.

" Yeah, come in just let me put my shirt and coat one and I will be ready to go" I replied to her previous question.

" Well aren't we buff" she said almost laughing and blushing simultaneously. "Do you work out a lot?"

"Yeah, four or five days a week" I replied. " It is a tremendous way to relieve stress. Ok . I am ready."
 

Author's Note

please be bluntly honest about what you think of the structuring the order story thus far and any other in put you can think of . I really want to know if you like it or not and how well I am doing. I am very used to writing music lyrics and poetry , this is such a different format for me. Just let me know what you think.