Bad habits

I used to think biting my nails was bad.
Then I started cutting myself.
Now I'm drinking.
What if I become an addict?
Oh.
Maybe I already am.
F**k.
That's not good.
I've been sober for three days.
That's good.
But I don't feel good.
I'm starving myself again.
Why did no one say how hard everything is???
I can't even get through the day without the thought of suicide comforting me.
I guess poetry isn't so bad.
But now I'm not writing that much.
I went on a website to watch people die.
It's scaring me.
I'm scaring me.
What do I do?
I can't tell my parents.
I'm already in enough trouble about the alcohol.
And they're worried anyway.
I'll just make it worse.
I'm making everything worse.
Maybe I'm the problem.
Maybe the world would be better without me.
No.
Don't think like that.
People need me.
Right?
No.
I need them.
I'm being stupid.
I'm worthless.
No one would ever love me.
I'm pathetic.
I just annoy people.
I hate everything about myself.
I can't do this.
Not for much longer.
I'm trying.
I'm trying so hard.
But I can't do it.
I don't know if I can make it to the end of the week.
Or the end of the day.
I'm getting panic attacks again.
Yesterday I had about ten.
S**t.
I just wish someone would notice.
Is that selfish?
Yes.
Of course it is.
I'm an attention seeking brat.
That's what everyone thinks.
Is it what I think?
No.
Of course not.
I just sit in a corner and cry, feeling sorry for myself.
I should help people.
Or maybe I should just go invisible.
Then no one will notice when I'm gone.
No.
I need to stay.
For amine.
For Destinee.
For Ella.
For yinthe.
For Chrissy.
For me.
But I can't.
I'm sorry.
I just wish I could go back to biting my nails.
Maybe it wasnt so bad after all.