The Ballad of Olivia & Felix

A love story

They met among friends
in a room full of bends
and twists and turns
as onlookers burned
their cigarettes and emotions
in to the walls of the mind.
In the room of the host,
Mr Felix Zapata,
he took his seat
amongst the chitter and the chatter.
She introduced herself,
Miss Olivia Bonnette,
he made a mental note
that her name he’d soon forget.
A quick dash was made
as he had to maintain,
his duties as a host
lots of people to entertain.
She spoke to others
and they found her rather enchanted,
little did she know
a seed had already been planted.
She left the party a little later,
for her friend was full of fatigue,
Felix had her on his brain,
she left him full of intrigue.

They exchanged numbers
through a friend
and met for coffee
in the middle of Beirut,
they exchanged stories
for hours on end
and she eventually
said he had a face that was cute.
Felix felt happy
that his intrigue carried potential,
the attraction between them
was clearly evidential.
Olivia saw the talent in his eyes
that would soon come out
in a lustful reprise,
Under the guise of love.

Now please do not
take that the wrong way,
there is no need
to paint a dirty picture.
The wonderful madness
presented before you
are the words from the head
of a curly stricture.
To stitch up the reader
with the story of that girl and Felix,
their love hit the flames
like the wings of a fallen phoenix.
For Olivia could not stay in Beirut anymore
and it’s like they say,
“you can take the girl out of the city,
but you can’t take the city out of the girl”,
because although she wasn’t with Felix anymore,
she would live forever in his mind.

Author's Note

I have literally just finished writing this, so it is a rough draft. Any thoughts, comments and suggestions are welcome.

Reviews

[Brighid an Lasair]

I enjoyed the story, there were, however, parts that felt forced like you had to dig for a word to complete the phrase instead of letting it come naturally. Being a rough draft, I'm sure that this will be remedied in editing. I look forward to seeing the end result!

[Mark]

I like the crisp, terse delivery of most of the poem, but from time to time you diverge fron that. If that is your wish, you might try making those lines a seperate stanza, like a chorus. There were a few places I noted where the word selected to make the rhyme was not precisely the right word, despite the fact that it did rhyme. I think some here call that "forcing the rhyme". It's often better to rework the fist line than to accept the less than ideal word for rhyme's sake alone.
The poem itself is interesting, though. A chance meeting of a host and a guest, which "plants the seed" of future carryings-on. I am anxiously anticipating the edited version, as you admit in your Note that this is but a first draft.

[Olivia Ashley]

I like this!!ALOT!100/100

[Zackery Alan Daley]

Jesus you need to be published if you aren't already. It is the rough draft that saved a life. LOL. Seriously you can paint a picture with poetry unlike anything I have ever seen, usually painting the backdrop with words loses the crowd, yet you win their hearts with hooks and wanting to know what happens almost like a small book. Bravo.

[Talkativeted]

A great story full of emotion and meaning. Well written. A good poem.

[Cheryl J. Turner]

This a magnificent piece of heartfelt writing.
I very much enjoyed reading it.

[Coyote Poetry]

Sometime love for country is more powerful then love for another. A very good story in your poem. Love can be create in the mist of hate and violence. A outstanding poem. Many strong lines stood out.
Coyote

[Shelby. Loves ya. :3]

its great. love how u said "You can take the girl out of the city but u cant take the city out of the girl"

[Miss Coral]

Really liked this piece.. the flow was a bit off for me though.
I loved how it was a story.. more focused on events rather than metaphors and emotions.. always refreshing to have a change in things like that. Also.. the fact that it took place in Beirut made me happy because that's the name of one of my favorite bands, haha. c:

Nice job altogether. c:

-Coral-

[Jonathan De Elvira]

I was like a reading a short story....only it was a poem??
hurm....
don't know what to say,
it was different kinda poem I've read to this day...
But I like the message, especially the endings where Olivia doesn't stay with Felix anymore...and the last sentence kinda poignant right?