BREATH OF DAWN

The escape for rebirth

Down the grassy ground,

Breeze softly shushing

The rustle of leaves underfoot

But crickets were long gone asleep.

 

Crimson face on the horizon

Rising slowly from the east,

Smudge  of light flashing down

the  silhouette, walking on tiptoe.

In every watchful step,

I had my shadow on a leash,

Tied it next to my head.

I waited many moons for bravery.

 

Mephitic fumes of cold years

Killed the words on our lips.

A cut through the tether

Promised us a new scent.

 

While you were the pendulum;

I, the hands of time,

Traveled to widen the distance--

Footprints vanishing.

I said everything to the sun,

And let it be told to you in the morning

When the sunbeam kissed your eyes-

Blazing violet fire.

 

  

Published on 
EMERGE LITERARY JOURNAL
Print

October 2012

Reviews

[Ufi Auttorri ~ Amy C. T..]

The relationship had turned sour and stinking. Angry... they had enough after a while and finally found the courage to walk out at the break of dawn and leave them, still sleeping, knowing the sun would be the only thing they'd see when they awoke. Anything that needed saying was said to the rising sun as they walked away from it all. It happens that way sometimes, doesn't it? Congratulations. Not exactly my cup of tea but I can see the appeal of the visuals, word choice and vignette.

[Brianna Brie]

While you were the pendulum;
I, the hands of time,
Traveled to widen the distance---
Footprints vanishing.
...
I said everything to the sun,
And let it be told to you in the morning
When the sunbeam kissed your eyes---
Blazing violet fire.

Absolutely love your poetry. Going to have to visit you more now that I know what a gem you are. It is the unique way you say it in an unusual combination of words. Brilliant work!

[Fabian G. Franklin]

I enjoyed this piece. Here,"In every watchful steps, I had my shadow on a leash" you have some confusion. "Every" indicates a singular tense so "step" instead of "steps" there is needed. The piece itself seems to speak of obsession in a perverse form and trying to break from some chain of the past. An excellent write. "Mephitic", now there's a word I don't hear every day! I probably would have said "putrid" as in a state of decay or rot but I must admit, the word choice was delightful throughout. Well done!

[Jibey]

I concur with the enthusiastic reviews that have gone before... You have a beautiful touch with your words. 'Shushing', 'Smudge', 'Mephitic' (unusual and strong)... Then the natural imagery provided a fitting setting for this brave walk into the morning of the one struggling to express those feelings, 'tethered' and bound to the pendulum, looking for the the promise of new scent.

Subtle, beautifully crafted, gently painful.

[shythatway]

I loved this. It was simply beautiful, especially the line about saying everything to the sun, let it be told in the morning. Thank you for sharing. *smile*

[Alice Oiseau]

Breathtaking piece of poetry. The imagery is incredible! Fourth and fifth stanzas are my favorite. Very well written.
Cheers.

[Shadow Writer]

This is quite an amazing piece. the imagery and flow were fantastic. Enjoyed Phantom............

[Ellen Hammond]

The imagery is astounding in this write. But while many seem to read it as romantic, I see it more as bitter sweet....as a lover, realizing that love has grown cold, tiptoes away before the other wakens to beg him to stay. Just my perception perhaps. I love your metaphors.

[Scott Free]

Wow, this was simply amazing. I would never know how to criticize this.
So flowing, so touching, so metaphysical. I simply love this poem.
Thank you so much for sharing your amazing writing!

[Gandré]

I waited many moons for bravery. --------------- I loved this, wonderful unworn metaphor.

While you were the pendulum;

I, the hands of time,

Traveled to widen the distance--- ----------------- and I loved this, so romantic, such a great imaginary, don't we all dream this?

and this ---- last stanza was just perfect:
I said everything to the sun,

And let it be told to you in the morning

When the sunbeam kissed your eyes,

Blazing violet fire.------------------ I see here the innocence, it is more longing than demanding to be heard... wonderful. did you submit it to any of my contests? please do so, if not.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

I am stunned by the beautiful essence of this piece... it's like a declaration of freedom from self loathing and deciding you are worthy of life and love for yourself. your words penetrate my soul with inspiration.