It's a Sunday night which is classic

don't say that winter feeling is setting in

I don’t want depression to even be mentioned, partly because it will kill the vibe

but not mostly

mostly I just want to talk back to these voices (delete)

mostly I just want don’t want to talk to Hobbes and have to tell myself “I’m not crazy because I know I’m crazy” (delete)

mostly I just want to talk to someone

 

and sometimes when it gets bad I’ll have my hand around his throat

I’ll look at him and see nothing

He feels my hand but he doesn’t see me

Maybe because I’m smiling to lighten the mood

I know killing him wouldn’t make me feel better

I think about it anyway

 

Their feelings are contrived

It feeds all of them, each other

Some sort of battle to come across the lines that separate peoples mouths and ears

But no farther, no further

 

What ever the brain stem of my prefrontal cortex is

Auto pilot

Just enough to interact on that level

Makes me feel like a cog in a deterministic whatever

 

I spend my time waiting for it to pass

 

She reminds me of what I want

Like a taste from your childhood that you can't place

But I tasted that in mountain dew the other day so what does that say about her

Now she shows me what she wants me to see

 

We were friends 3 days ago

I’m not a piece of s**t all of a sudden

You’re hurt f**k you admit it

You’re hurt

Say it

 

I’m hurt too

You want me to be

I don’t hurt because you’re in bed with him

I don’t hurt because you’re happy through media (literal)

It hurts that it’s supposed to

You think it hurts and it makes you happy

Not smiling on instagram happy

Gritted teeth clenched fist happy

“I hope you’re happy” happy

 

I hate you for not being her

I hate that in the end you always become what I was trying to escape from with you

It feels like I fell for it

Like maybe it actually is just my penis

I hate that I’m hurt not in the way you want me to be

I hate that you can’t tell the difference

 

“You could get any girl like honestly I didn’t want to say it before but you could”

“What do you have to be anxious about? Being too perfect haha?”

“You’re like the nicest guy I know”

I wish these keys could break my larynx

There are always too many people around to scream

 

You can’t love me

My brother can love me because he knew me when I cried and broke toys

He can love me because he hates me for what I did to Charlie

Because I do, too

And I can tell him things and he understands them without trying as hard as you did

Trying to think you could get near what I’m feeling

You’re just a silly girl for even saying that

 

I could kill you too now and it would be the same as Jack

I would cry because it's pathetic and I have problems with hurting people

Did you know that?

Did you know that my friends hated me because I would hurt them?

I guess I didn’t tell you that

I should’ve

You could’ve maybe loved me.

 

I don’t like being the only one awake at night

And you're no longer 3 hours behind, you're 9 ahead so it's really just me

I’m so lonely, Hobbes.

Author's Note

Hobbes is my dog