Dear Fuckers

-enjoy-

 

To Whom It May Concern,

Dear whoever finds this,

 

Dear Fuckers,

 

            This, obviously, is a suicide letter. If you didn’t know this then leave and let someone else find my body. I, being the thorough person I am, have slit my wrists and chased a bunch of pills with a bottle of vodka. And let me tell you, that vodka was fun.

            Now, to the point of this letter-to tell you guys why I committed suicide. First, though, I want to say that I don’t like the term “committed suicide”. It’s just boring. I will now be saying “offed myself” because that’s just more fun. Because of course suicide should just be a nonstop party.

            I offed myself (hehe, that was fun) for many reasons. 1) Nobody thought I would. And the total rebel in me just has to prove everybody wrong all the time. 2) I love to try new things and I had never actually offed myself before, believe it or not. I have gotten close, though. 3) I had become thoroughly bored with my life. Nothing excited me anymore. 4) Sex was starting to become dull. Maybe I’d just had too much? Is that possible? Or maybe no one was good enough? Yeah, that’s it. 5) I’ve tried all the drugs there are to try, and a few people don’t even know about yet. I’ve been higher than everybody else. I’ve had good highs and ad ones. Everybody else is just an annoying druggy and I hate getting high alone. It makes me feel too depressed and desperate. Two things I am defiantly not. 6) I’m deathly (literally) afraid of turning out like my family. I mean, seriously, they’re fucked up. 7) Well, spend a day in my life and see if you’re not begging to be hit by a bus by lunch time. Try it. And if you make it through the day then congratulations, you can have my life. Lucky you. 8) I hate stupid people. And s***s. And arrogant jackasses. All the people who don’t fit into one of those three categories are quickly dying off. The world will soon be run by Paris Hiltons and Nick Carters. God help us all. 9) Most of the movies, TV shows, music, and books suck a*s now. 10) Because I wanted to. If you have a problem with that then f**k you, there’s nothing you can do about it now. Hehe, bite me.

            Those are the top ten reasons I killed offed myself. Some of the others had to do with thongs. And my kindergarten teacher. And cigarettes and soda. Long story, don’t ask. Oh wait! You can’t! That’s a knee slapper!

            Some other things I thought I should say:

            “Nobody puts baby in a corner.”

            “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amore.” Or an acid trip.

            “Candy is dandy. But liquor is quicker.”

            “Write my folks and throw away my keys.” I sure as hell won’t need them anymore.

            “I want to get a buzz like I had last week.”

            “Jump up and down. And move it all around.”

            That’s about it. You’ll remember me, I know it. How could you ever possibly forget me? Impossible. Have a nice life. And remember…lists help shitloads.

 

In love, death, and the pursuit of great hair,

Me

Reviews

[Here's What I Say]

...Maybe I should consider writing a letter in the event of my death as well. Not a suicide- sorry- offing myself note, but just a letter in case I DO die. Just tell people what I've been thinking. Ya know. Let a few people know some things I never told them that I'd never have the guts to do in real life.

Another thing, even though I don't plan on EVER offing myself, I AM deathly afraid of this world being run by Paris Hiltons and Nick Carters. Actually I get a little worried that Justin Timberlake might too, but I still like him, so I guess I could deal with that. I think. Put it this way: it would suck having to live with those two fuckers running the world, but think about it; if you die, you can do ALL KINDS OF S**T I can't do because I'm alive. I can get incarcerated for lots of stuff; you can't. And you can be in one place one second, and be somewhere else far, far away the next. Just give that some thought.

I realize it's not a real letter, but I just decided to bounce off of your ideas and express myself. I see coffee has a negative side effect on my attitude.