Conversations and Half-Digested Meditations

my friends support me, inspire me, and challenge me. this is for them. -enjoy-

 

“I’m not athletic. Almost everybody in my family is, but I’m not. I played softball for three years. And I was a cheerleader for a year. But that’s it. Why? How come the sports gene skipped over me? I wish I was athletic like the rest of my family. I wish I went out running or biking or swimming or something. Anything. But I don’t. I sit. And draw. And talk. And kiss.”

           

HIM: I haven’t had a girlfriend in a while

HER: I know. Was what’s-her-name your last?

HIM: yea

HIM: last girlfriend

HER: that was a while ago.

HER: I know I should be all like "I don't need a boyfriend to be happy" and "I’m fine being single" and s**t of that nature...

HER: but it’s nice to have someone

HER: someone you can talk to about anything

HER: someone to goof off with and act crazy around

HER: and someone to give you a hug when you're down, have sex with you when you're not

HIM: you know, your not helping

HER: I know. I’m sorry

HER: does the 10th grade chick like you?

HER: at all?

HIM: I dunno, all I know is she wont go out with me

HER: why not?

HIM: I dunno

HER: she didn't give you a reason?

HIM: I didn’t find out from her

HIM: I don’t know if she knows

HER: oh, babe, I’m sorry

HER: that's always hard

 

            “You’re a truly beautiful person. No matter what. No matter what other people think of you. Or say about you. I know the truth. I know the real you. So, when you’re feeling down I want you to remember that you’re beautiful. Inside and out. I love you with my whole heart. Even if you don’t return the favor.”

 

GIRL: she's going to
BOY: well if you guys are going to, please be safe
BOY: like, you know, ask me or someone else first
GIRL: I’m not going to
BOY: okay
BOY: then you better watch out for her
GIRL: she promised her friend Robyn she would do it with her. And apparently Amanda is supposed to be getting it for them and doing it with them
GIRL: but don't say anything to anybody about it
BOY: Amanda.....
BOY: god damnit Amanda
BOY: ew, well I don't like it
BOY: not that my opinion matters to them
BOY: just make them stay safe
GIRL: I told her not to.
GIRL: I told her she always promised me and her mom she would never do this
GIRL: but hey, what are promises?
BOY: things that end up getting broken no matter how hard you try
BOY: I don't bother making promises anymore
BOY: most of the time I can keep them
GIRL: it kills me
GIRL: she doesn't even really want to do it. she would just rather break a promise to me and her mom, then to Robyn
BOY: that’s fucked up
BOY: if that is indeed the case
GIRL: its just so screwed up, man
BOY: life
BOY: that's what’s fucked up
GIRL: exactly
BOY: okay well I'm about to go do my hair
BOY: I'll be back in a few
BOY: tonight I am gonna get fucked up
BOY: so I gotta be prettyyyy

GIRL: of course

 

            “You think you’re the only one with problems. That everybody else’s life is all candy and rainbows and perfect drum solos. Well, wake up and smell the pot, dollie. Everybody has problems. Nobody’s life is perfect or great or, hell, even good. I’m f*****g falling apart here. And you’re whining that you don’t have a girlfriend? You’re sitting there feeling sorry for yourself? It makes me sick! You are a f*****g amazing person and I don’t want to f*****g hear about how no one likes you and you have no life. That you’re smoking away everything you have going for you. F**k! Get up and be, you f*****g a*****e.”

 

HER: you wanna hear the suicide song? haha
ME: sure

HER: isnt it grand?
ME:omg, i actually want to kill myself now
HER: yeah
ME: and i'm only half way done
HER: oh i had to stop it.
ME: i want to, but i'm afraid that due to this incredible pressure on my heart that this is causing, if i were to stop it my heart would explode
HER: haha
ME: i'm serious. my heart is going to explode
HER: dont die.
HER: i need you
ME: i made it
ME: its over
ME: i'm still a live
HER: good
ME: it was hard

 

            “How do I let someone love me? I know how to love someone. I’m good at that. I know how to give and support and care for and worry about and love. But how do I let someone love me? How do I know if I’m letting them love me? How do I keep from screwing up? I really don’t want to. But I don’t know. I don’t know anything about love. Besides how to give it. That’s all I've ever done. I’ve never received love. At least, I don’t think so. How do I do it? How does everybody else?”

 

OTHER PERSON: you know you’re my princess
ME: am I?
OTHER PERSON: you sure are
ME: :-)
OTHER PERSON: and a prettier princess I couldn't ask for....
ME: dude, you're making me smile

 

            “Don’t be afraid, darling. I’m right here. I’ll be here. Always. To hold your hand. To tell you that everything will be alright. That it’ll work out in the end. Even if I know it won’t. Just so you can be happy. Like I never was. I want you to have everything I never did. And I’ll make sure you do. But for right now just sleep. Close you’re eyes and rest easy knowing I’m here if you wake up and feel alone. And I’m here if you don’t. Go to sleep, my angel. I’ll be waiting for you on the other side. To hold your hand. Second star from the left. I’ll be waiting. Take your time. I’ll be there.”

 

WOMAN: who won't try to change me or fix me
MAN: so far, I like you for you, so I’m not changing anything and there’s nothing to fix....
WOMAN: that's what I want
MAN: me too....
MAN: which is part of why I want you so damn bad...even though I barely know you
MAN: its not just physical (but that doesn't hurt)
WOMAN: there might not be much to change, but there's some that could be fixed
MAN: like what?
WOMAN: we do hardly know each other
WOMAN: like...
WOAMN: my family issues
WOMAN: my mom can't connect and my dad is too greedy to care about me or my brother. I haven't really dealt with my parents getting divorced even though it happened when I was six. I’m still sporting scars from that
MAN: well, I plan on taking you out of that situation and starting a much more positive situation
WOMAN: positive is good, but that might not change everything

 

            “I’ve forgotten him already. Forgotten what I saw in him. What he saw in me. I forgot that I thought I loved him. I forgot that I told him I loved him. That I knew the second after I said it I didn’t mean it. I’ve forgotten that everybody else knew I didn’t mean it. I’ve forgotten the way I was around him. Forgotten that I was different. Falsely confident. In a bad way. I’ve already forgotten that we were using each other. For different reasons. But with the same general outcome. Me naked. Him hard. Escaping. I don’t regret that morning. Mostly because I don’t think about it much. But I’ve already forgotten that. All of that. At least I thought I did.”

 

AMIGA: shut-up d****e
AMIGO: I AM NOT!!!! You're a condom reservoir!!! lmao
AMIGA: f**k you!
AMIGO: lol I know. No I'm just joking
AMGIA: I know. Me too doll
AMIGO: I know
AMIGO: lol if you weren’t, id kill you
AMIGO: ......no joke, id slit that cute lil throat
AMIGA: you couldn't hurt me. Could you?
AMIGO: no not really lol
AMIGA: yeah, I do have a cute throat. A cute throat? What the hell makes a throat cute?
AMIGO: lol well you’re cute......there for your throat is too...........cause you know it IS a part of you
AMIGO: well I would VIOLATE that throat......worse than mark Did
AMIGO: lmao
AMIGA: I am cute. Thank-you
AMIGA: omg, thank-you for sharing
AMIGO: HAHA jk
AMIGO: well I’m sure I could more than he could
AMIGA: you know you wish you could have me. I’m just soooooo irresistible
AMIGA: what's that supposed to mean?
AMIGO: means I’m bigger than him goofy
AMIGA: how would you know?
AMIGO: lol look I’m black ok!!! I just now these things!
AMIGA: whatever doll. Whatever
AMIGA: I doubt it though

 

            “All I ever wanted to do was make you proud. Remember when we used to play catch? When you coached my softball team? When we would read together before I could read? And when we’d watch Sports Center together? I hate playing catch. I really didn’t like softball. I disliked reading with a passion. And I never had an interest in sports. I did those things because you liked them. It was just a way of spending time with you. All I ever wanted was to make you proud. Was to make you love me like I loved you.

“I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. Always. But all you’ve ever done is leave me. Walk out. Sometimes not even saying good-bye or telling me you were leaving. You just left. Sure, you were always in my life, but it wasn’t the same. I just wanted to make you proud. And now? Now you wonder why I can’t talk to you? Why we aren’t close? Because I can’t let you in. You’ve hurt me worse then anybody else. And I just can’t let that happen again. Because I know you’ll leave again. You say you won’t, but you will. I know it. It’s what you’ve always done. I’m sorry, daddy. I really am. But you understand, right? I can’t let you hurt me anymore. I just can’t.”