~Sacrilege~

This is a work in progress, like me.

I suppose when I was a boy, I existed in a world where everyone lived in a rural area, and knew the smell of the sage and alfalfa, the texture of cool loam, and the essence of  pledging allegiance. I knew a little of other societies, but I did not analyze them. They were like 'city folk', I was aware of them, but not interested.
I was well fed, and taught things of a moral and reasonable nature, and at the same time I was being manipulated by a social concept that was at variance with what I was told, concerning civilization, god and purpose. I was taught to worship the god that is outlined in various interpretations of the christian faith. (But only some of them.) I was of the school of Faith, and knew well the significance of my God and Country in the big scheme of things. There was no need to question the authenticity of the things I perceived. My perception was given to me by family, church, and a 'standard education'.  I was ultimately indoctrinated, because the ones I trusted were as convinced as I was. There is no need to fix things that are not broken. And I had ingested the story of the 'boy who cried "Wolf!"

As it turned out, I was but a lad and finding error in places that, were not the cool thing to bring up at dinner or at church for that matter. It was, dare I say it?, 'traumatizing' to me to be insulted when I had the audacity to question things when I was told from the beginning to question everything. It is only through the power of whatever force had the sense of humor to make me aware of my existence, that I was able to identify the significance of Thought and Confrontation. I knew by the age of 13 I was doing time until I could escape the bonds of Church.
I ran headlong into life the day of Graduation, and began to test fences. It was a difficult and exciting adventure, in which I moved 2000 miles from home and went to working on a giant Durham wheat farm in the vast RedRiverValley. And I found it convenient to cross the Minnesota border often, for legal and cheap drinking. I could go on for days telling of the things I learned. I learned that if you tell the cops they can't haul you in, that they just smile and say, "Oh, yes we can."
But it wasn't all bad and for me, not that hard to  adapt to a life of recklessness.
I found in this way a taste of what freedom really means, in that I could not give a damn from day to day what happened the next. I have forever pursued this freedom, though I have smoothed out the method considerably.

In my reckless pursuit of Truth, I was often ambushed by treasonous enemies that I found were posing in a most convincing way, as Chritians, Elders, and Authorities.  I carry the scars and anguish that has come from seeking Truth. My opinions concerning my nation and people's history were not well received, and it was not without consequence and life changing confrontation that  I have learned who my enemies are, and I nearly died more than once in the duration, as I did not expect Treason from my God and State. It was like trying to find out why an excellent example of a dog I loved would be so interested in killing it's pups. It was unreasonable and of epic importance to me, being one who has to make the little arrows of my rationalization to point to the correct concepts, and definitions. I knew something was askew, and the 'still small voice' was shouting most of the time.
So I kept poking the proverbial dog, and he kept biting me.

I wasn't worried about the things in the bible I didn't understand, I was fairly occupied with the things I could comprehend. And in the paradigm in which I existed, breathing, I was nicely balanced on the edge of Purpose and Sin. So when I became perfect, like most kids do when they reach puberty, I didn't let the niggling little inconsistencies and erroneous histories that I encountered affect my position as a Christian and an American. It was normal to be tempted to question authority and see the attractions of temptation,  but I had Jesus on my side, and I knew he would guide me as long as I gave him his proper place at the head of my incarnation.  Thus, it didn't matter that Beelzebub and his cronies were as clear as pink elephants. I was on the narrow path, where I belonged. I was a lucky individual to be brought up in rural America, and I knew it. I was amazed at the progress my species had made in the US over a couple of centuries, and was thankful that my days were not filled with carrying water, and seeking game, and trying to avoid being slaughtered by 'savages', like my ancestors. And I was thankful that they had built this great land on the very principles that I abode by, and that god's intricate plans were going on with me being on the right side of the planet.

My innocent little heart rationalized my matrix, and I was happy.

My Grandfather was an elder in the church, and a kind man who held the eyes and shoulders and capacity of a proud warrior. He taught me by example, and repetition. I not only knew what flood irrigating was, but I could do so unsupervised. Tractors had carburetors and I knew their function, and how to do field surgeries. I liked my grandfather, and thrived from following his muddy boot prints.
So one can imagine what a dilemma was presented to me, at the age in which I became more than a little interested in breasts and social activities that were clear rivals of what I was supposed to stand for. I was again fortunate for having been taught to think on my feet, and quickly found solid ground in my mothers word of wisdom, despite my 'unnatural and self destructive' behaviors.
"To thine own self be true."
"If you have a problem in your life, you can usually trace it's source back to yourself."
"Prove all things, hold fast to that which is good."

These guidelines are more precious to my life than a rowboat full of diamonds. For in these words I was occupied. I taught myself to be wary of proclaiming ultimatums. I learned to do what I wanted to, and to hell with those who couldn't see that I was proving things as I went along, albeit in a decidedly dangerous and seemingly foolhardy method.
And I worried little about my body and soul, because I was conditioned to follow the moral directives of God, and thus, would not likely be struck with boils or lightning, as my activities and behaviors were for all intents and purposes, religious science experiments.

I began to expand my mind with various agricultural products at the same time I was experiencing an almost constant erection. These substances were wonderful I thought, almost as interesting as my newly discovered appendage, and in the smoke of the spirit world, I acted like a rowdy teen and at the same place carefully put the blocks of my pyramid in their proper place and order. This is the way of the artist and rebel, historically, though I didn't know it at the time. In my frustration with my awakenings, and the bliss of living new experiences, I began to think of my life in futuristic terms. Because I knew that I was approaching an obstacle that was truly intimidating.

I had become more and more intellectual and thus, less and less interested, challenged, and motivated by the Church and State, and began to take characteristics of a sinner. Of a no-account. And in spite of brushes with Law and long lectures from open bible interpretations of where my ship was headed. To this day I am not sure why, but in all honesty I not only did not care about my indoctrination as I should, I was building a database of evidence that I was sure, in my capacity as a christian, would get me burned at the stake nd condemned to hell.
But, I am one who does not forget how hard it is to argue with reason, and I was, in fact, following the directives of the faith, in a decidedly unchristian like manner. My mind and heart were often overwhelmed by my inability to find purpose in the reality I was uncovering.


 

Author's Note

please feel free to add at length your own opinions. they will be weighed carefully and considered in the production of this very difficult project.

Reviews

[Desert Dreamer]

Although I have followed a different path, it seems that my path has come to a similar place as yours. I think you are creating some great literature here, something I would place among some of my favorite authors. Our culture leaves little room for true self discovery and it is difficult to live a meaningful life here. There must be a better way to live. I encourage you to continue with this project.

[luciddreamer]

When I was a kid and with my dad we were devout old time Baptist....when I was with my mom we were devout Pentacostal...had preachers in family in both churches.....they both promised my parents if they believed in God hard and long enough that my sister wouldn't die...she had Cystic Fibrosis...it was a miracle she lived to be 10 back then...........After my sister passed away my mother became more of a drunk and my father became a devout Athiest....most of my adult life had been looking for the "one" religion that was correct.....needless to say I never found it.....

[cartera]

Link one aspect of your being to the other.
ATB
Alex.