The REAL Star Wars Holiday Special

Merry Christmas.

"Jingle all the waay!"

 

Mace Windu rubbed his ears and winced at the horrible noise coming from Adi Gallia's mouth. "Maybe you should stick with your Jedi career, Adi," he advised.

 

The Jedi Master wasn't listening. "Oh what fun it is to ride…," she sang, winding a string of Christmas lights around the pine tree Yoda had somehow acquired and brought into the Council room.

 

Shaak Ti walked into the room, holding a cardboard box labeled Oppo's Ornnimants.

 

"I looked in the Temple cellar for decorations and this is all I found." She set the box on the floor with a huff and jabbed a red finger in its direction. "Oppo. Explain."

 

The short Thisspiasian looked up from where he was playing Star Wars: Battlefront II on his handheld computer. "What's there to explain?"

 

"Um… Maybe your horrible spelling?" a Quermian male suggested as he unwrapped another set of lights for Adi.

 

"Receive a good education Oppo did not," Yoda told Yarael Poof. He was perched at the top of the tree, where he'd been meditating. "Too busy playing Carl on Duty: Black Cops he was."

 

"Isn't that supposed to be Call--?" Saesee Tiin started to ask, but was interrupted by Qui-Gon Jinn and his young apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi, who had just appeared in the doorway. At the sight of the former, the ten Masters simultaneously groaned. Qui-Gon was known for his constant complaints about hundreds of unimportant matters that had no place being brought up.

 

Currently, he was holding a holo recording and shaking it in the air angrily. "This is an outrage!" he roared, his eyes flashing as his cheeks flushed.

 

"What?" Eeth Koth asked. "The fact that your blow-dryer broke again and your hair is still wet and frizzy?"

 

Mace pulled a bowl out of his robe, along with a bag of cereal and a carton of bantha milk. Knowing this could take awhile, he quickly fixed his breakfast and leaned forward in anticipation.

 

Qui-Gon ignored the Zabrak. "I've discovered inappropriate music in the Temple library!"

 

Plo Koon exchanged a look with Shaak and crossed his arms over his chest. "Inappropriate?"

"This song talks about riding with girls in sleighs!" the Master shouted. "What if Obi-Wan were exposed to it?! I would never be able to live with myself if he heard such a thing!"

 

Yarael blinked. "Your point…?"

 

"I'm begging you," Qui-Gon continued, his voice strained, "to let me replace the content on this holo with a much more child-friendly song."

 

"Like what?" Depa Billaba, Mace's old apprentice, demanded. "And make it quick, because I want to get back on the subject of Oppo's videogame addiction." The others nodded their agreement.

 

Qui-Gon signaled to Obi-Wan, who had installed a speaker system while his master was talking to the Council. He inserted a new holo disc into another recently-installed control panel, and soon an all-too-familiar tune was blasting throughout the room.

 

"And I say… HEY!" Qui-Gon shouted along, doing a few dance moves, followed by a back flip.

 

"Hey!" Obi-Wan echoed, jumping in front of Qui-Gon and landing on his other side.

 

"What a wonderful kind of day!" Qui-Gon repeated his moves.

 

"Day!" Obi-Wan leapt across him once again.

 

"If we could learn to work and play!"

 

"Play!"

 

The two Jedi pressed their backs together and raised their arms dramatically in the air. "And get along with each otherrr!" They separated and were about to launch into the second verse when the speakers couldn't take it anymore and exploded. Unsure of what else to do, Qui-Gon grabbed his apprentice's wrist and pulled them down into a theatrical bow.

 

They were met with a stunned and somewhat-scarred group of Council members. Mace gaped at them, a spoonful of Honey Bunches of Oats posed halfway between his cereal bowl and mouth. Milk dribbled down his chin.

 

A few crickets chirped. Depa promptly smashed them with the toe of her boot, her dark eyes never breaking away from the Jedi in front of her. Eeth awkwardly cleared his throat.

 

Adi was the first to speak. "Um… Question?" She timidly raised a caramel-colored hand. "Did Obi-Wan voluntarily request to perform that with you?"

 

"Oh no; I made him do it, of course." Qui-Gon smiled. "We've been rehearsing it every five minutes since three o'clock this morning. Isn't that right, Obi-kins?"

 

The eighteen-year-old, feeling slightly overwhelmed by the situation, ran out of the room. But not without taking his broken subwoofers with him… and the holo recording of Jingle Bells, too.

 

"Hey!" Qui-Gon yelped. He sprinted out of the room after his apprentice. The Council could hear his infuriated shouts as they echoed down the hallway.

 

Still in a temporary state of shock, the Jedi sat there in silence.

 

"Strange that was," Yoda murmured.

 

"Can someone help me with this box?" Shaak asked, and the room burst into life again. She and Plo began opening the box of Oppo's Ornnimants and unwrapped the various decorations from their miriskin packing paper.

 

Yaddle and Ki-Adi-Mundi entered the chamber, the former nearly buried under the pile of boxes in her arms and the latter wielding a ladder.

 

"Miss something did we?" Yaddle inquired.

 

There was a soft clicking sound as Yarael's fingernail clippings fell onto the tiled floor. They were blue. He pulled out a hot pink zebra-striped nail file and set to work, but not before answering, "Not much."

 

Ki-Adi frowned, unsure of what to make of this. He shook his cone-shaped head to clear his thoughts. "Apparently the Temple has a very limited collection in Christmas storage." He motioned for Yaddle to set down her boxes, but she couldn't exactly see him. "Yaddle?"

 

"Heavy these boxes ar--WAHHEEE!" she exclaimed, tripping over one of the cords for Adi's lights and flying backwards. The boxes buried her small form as she lay on the floor.

 

Oppo, who was seated closest to her, didn't do so much as glance up from his handheld computer. Rolling her eyes at his ignorance and stupidity, Depa walked over and began heaving boxes off the old green Master. Instead of checking to see if Yaddle were all right, she stared at the labels on the boxes.

 

"'Eeth's Wreaths'?" she read. "'Yarael's Yodeler'? What the heck are you people on?"

 

"Don't forget 'Ki-Adi's Kool-aid'," Saesee added, kneeling beside her and pulling a kool-aid mix out of one of the boxes. A cutout of Ki-Adi's head had replaced that of the Kool-aid Man's, and it was rather terrifying. He shuddered. "And 'Mace's Candy Canes'. Wait, that isn't even a rhyme or alliteration." Everyone in the room turned to Mace for an explanation.

 

Mace was currently finishing up his cereal and humming to the tune of the song Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan had been singing earlier. Sensing everyone's eyes upon him, he looked up innocently. "Whatever you're talking about, I didn't do it. It was Adi."

 

"A little help, please?" Yaddle cut in. Eeth reached down and pulled her to her feet. She hobbled over to the pine tree and swiftly climbed to the top, where she proceeded to meditate with Yoda.

 

"Aw." Mace put his now-empty bowl back in his robe. "Ain't dat cute."

 

"What?" Adi asked in disbelief, choking on her own spit.

 

"English, mother… trucker," he told her, after a bit of hesitation. "Do you speak it?"

 

"Mace, do us all a favor and SHUT UP." Shaak picked up a red spherical ornament with the Force and shoved it into his mouth. Before any of them could realize what had happened, Mace had swallowed the ornament and his neck looked as if a baseball were sticking out of it.

 

"Hey! That was my favorite ornament!" Star Wars: Battlefront II was quickly pushed aside as Oppo's inhuman eyes filled with tears.

 

"Great, Shaak. Just great," Plo said. "Now what are we going to do?"

 

"I'm sorry, Oppo," Shaak said, ignoring the Kel Dor beside her. "I'm sure we can get you a new one."

 

"But you can't!" he wailed. "That was made by my great-great-grandmother's uncle's step-brother's mother-in-law!"

 

Yarael glanced up from his nail file. "Um… Isn't she still alive?"

 

"Oh. Right." Oppo's tears stopped falling immediately.

 

"C'mon, Ops." Shaak abandoned the boxes and walked over to him, slinging an arm around his shoulder. They walked out of the room, got in her speeder, and were at the spaceport within minutes. Soon they were onboard a cruiser to Thisspias.

 

"Great," Plo Koon repeated. "Now I have to put up these ornaments by myself."

 

"Not if anything to say about it I have," Yoda spoke up, breaking out of his meditation and flipping down from the tree. "Contribute to the decorations everyone must."

 

Several protests and groans were voiced throughout the chamber, but soon the ten Jedi were (begrudgingly) hanging up various decorations on the tree. Yarael decided to hang up his purple toenail clippings as well, since they had the perfect hook shape. Saesee and Depa ended up confusing them with Mace's blueberry candy canes, and as you can imagine, the results were disastrous. Yaddle also thought it was a good idea for Eeth to put the star on top of the tree, but his little horns got stuck in-between the branches and when he attempted to yank them out, the whole tree came tumbling down with him and the Council members had to set everything up all over again.

 

But all in all, it was a fun afternoon for all of them and by the time they were finished, nighttime had settled over the planet. Adi Gallia wandered over to the huge windows overlooking the city, and gasped.

 

"What is it?" Plo asked. He and seven other Jedi came over to press their faces against the window as well.

 

"SNOW!" Yoda shrieked, skipping in circles around the room with glee.

 

"Snow on Coruscant," Ki-Adi thought out loud. "Now that's new."

 

Unbeknownst to them, the snowfall they were witnessing wasn't really snow. After the ornament had gotten stuck in his throat, Mace had run off to get help and after finding none, had grabbed a random pillow and decided to pour the cotton pieces out of it in order to signal for assistance. Unfortunately, his attempt to be rescued wasn't exactly working, and to make matters worse the pillow he'd stolen happened to belong to the one and only Qui-Gon Jinn… who was now rampaging after him like a wampa who'd eaten too many funny cookies.

 

"HE'S A MADMAN! HELP ME!" Mace tried to scream, but it came out in muffled chokes and gags. Not knowing how else to escape the Jedi Master, he jumped off his spot on the roof of the Temple and soon found himself sliding down the outside window of the Council room.

 

"Hey, look, it's Mace," Yarael said, pointing.

 

Mace desperately clawed at the glass, trying to alert the other Masters as to his condition, but to them it just seemed like he was waving.

 

They waved back. "Hi, Mace!"

 

He continued to slide down the window, almost completely out of view, and Eeth stared at him curiously. "Where do you think he's going?"

 

Depa shrugged. "Who cares? SNOW!" The Jedi continued their celebration of the short snowstorm by dancing around the chambers. Their backs were turned to the window, so they didn't see Qui-Gon leaping off the edge after Mace--or notice the latter's eyes widen in terror as the two catapulted down into the city traffic.

 

"Best. Christmas. EVER!" Saesee cheered.

Author's Note

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's song: