Flightless Bird

a bird's home is a nest; what's yours?

On Christmas Eve, all joy and mirth in the town of Aurora had been zapped out of reality. Thunder struck, and everything I had ever known or touched suddenly ceased to exist; a burning candle, its bright flames dancing . . . abruptly extinguished by the droplets of rain falling from the clouds. With God's swift flick of this fingers, everything became nothing, and my world had become bare all at once. 

I stand in the middle of chaos and calamity, my sole existence juxtaposing the smell of death wafting in the cool December air. A chill runs down my spine as I helplessly stare at where my home had once been, the four walls standing with poise; a home that held my hopes and dreams. No other emotion can describe the anger and confusion bubbling within; frost taking over the warmth of Christmas in a matter of seconds.

I pace back and forth, my sneakers crushing the already-shattered glass. I can't help but ponder: Why me? A bird seeks comfort in its nest, cozy and comfortable in every corner of its aerie. Yet, here I am, stricken with grief and no place to call home. In this plane of existence, I am a flightless bird⁠-- chained to the ruins of destruction. My feet are glued to the ground, the image of tragedy burning my eyes; but I do not look away. These wings of mine itch to flee, try to helplessly free themselves from suffocating despair⁠-- to no avail.

On Christmas Eve, the moon bids farewell to no one but me as the sun peeks from the horizon and greets my lost soul; a new day is here. The dark leaves my company, the rays of the burning star above shining against the charred trees and burnt wood. The emergence of the sun tugs at the strings of my heart, grants me a sliver of hope; and so, I try to fly.

I try to fly, but a question weighs me down.

Fly . . . to where?

Author's Note

what do you think?

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

the personification works for me ... overall i feel the desperation and loss ... i want to know more .. its unclear if this is the destruction of the earth .. ones person-hood .. or a fire or storm that has taken out the neighborhood ... not sure i would use "bubbling" to describe anger and confusion ... the cold and frost comes across well ...that your protagonist seems to blame God for this destruction is something that could be expanded on .. in my opinion that is ;) using Christmas time is smart says i! and again could be expanded on ... the tree, lights, gifts, meal, friends and family around??? short stories are a natural leap from poetry .. but not easy .. i have attempted only one .. and that was for a free on-line class i too ...
E
ps. my home is a cabin .......... woof! ;)

[hello there]

thank you for reviewing! for creative writing class, we were asked to create an account and this is a quiz she made us do. couldn't do much with just an hour, so i'll keep your thoughts in mind when i edit this in the future! :) they really helped. thanks again!

[Einstein Noodle]

:) ...................

[AngelWords]

I thought the metaphor was strong and the writing vivid. But I do find myself distracted trying to piece together the details of what has happened. I interpret this to indicate a house caught fire by lightning on Christmas Eve which emotionally affected everyone in the town and leaves the narrator homeless. Regardless of the details, though, you very effectively portrayed the intense grief and struggle to find any hope, which I suspect was your primary goal. So overall, well done!

[hello there]

thank you so much! had i only been given more than an hour to write this, then perhaps i could have expounded more on the details that bug you. thank you for your kind words!:)

[Robert Trakofler]

I love this old expression it is one of my favorites and i think it is so true.....
Home is where you hang your hat.
I have collected hats all of my life I have worn many hats and I hang them many places i always have one with me,
therefore I am always home...
home is where you hang your hat

[hello there]

ah, how our definitions of home differ but at the same time speak of warmth and security. thank you for sharing! :)

[JayG]

Well, you did ask…

• On Christmas Eve, all joy and mirth in the town of Aurora had been zapped out of reality.

You know which Christmas Eve. You know where Aurora is and the people—or creatures—in it. You know how, and why that zapping was done, and what that word means in terms of events. So for you this line makes sense.

But... The reader has only what the words suggest to THEM, based on THEIR background, not your intent. So…for the reader the line is literally meaningless. That’s why we need to placed the reader in time and space, make them know what’s going on, and be sure they know who they are as any scene opens.And that must be done without the author lecturing the reader

Did your teachers mention that, or how to do it? No. Nor did mine. Why? Because only Fiction-Writers need to know the specialized skills of the Fiction-Writing profession. Our schooldays writing skills focuse on reports and essays because that’s what our future employers require of us. Fiction, though, is a profession, and ALL professions are learned IN ADDITION to our schooldays writing skills.

So it’s not a matter of talent. And, a sincere desire to write and a pure heart don’t count. Fact is, if you want to write fiction you need to acquire a writer’s professional skills. Without them everything you write will read like a report because it’s the only approach to writing that you know.

In this, like most hopeful writers, you, the author, are EXPLAINING the story to the reader. And using first person and present tense changes that not at all. The narrator cannot be on the scene with the actors because s/he lives at a different time than the protagonist.

You’re also trying to dress the story up and make it exciting with poetic imagery. But the reader has not a clue of what you’re talking about. Look at the reader’s plight when you say, “With God's swift flick of this fingers, everything became nothing, and my world had become bare all at once.”

1. Is this allegorical or is God actually in the story? You don't say.
2. Where are we, and what’s REALLY going on? No clue.
3. How does “everything” become “nothing?” And why did that happen? Damned if I know.
4. The world became bare? But didn’t you just say that EVERYTHING became NOTHING? That means the world became nothing. So make up your mind. Is it bare or did it become nothing? You can’t say, “You know what I mean,” because the reader doesn’t and can't.
5. Since it happens in the time it takes “God” to “flick his fingers”, why do you need to add “all at once?"

The short version, as Mark Twain stated it: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

At the moment, like every other hopeful writer who turns to recording their stories, you’re doing the best you can with what you have because you’re not aware there is another way. But…learning the skills of fiction isn’t optional. And we no more learn to write by reading than we learn to cook by eating.

For all we know you’re loaded with talent. But talent is potential, and if it's untrained, it might as well not exist. There is not the smallest difference between the writing skills, and the work, of a talented untrained writer and one with no talent.

That being the case, some time acquiring the tricks of the trade is time wisely invested. It might not make a pro of you, but like chicken soup for a cold, it can’t hurt.

The local library’s fiction writing section can be a huge help. And while you’re there, look for James Scott Bell’s Elements of Fiction Writing, or Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. They’re gold.

[The Daisy]

Excellent writing!!!! It's ever so delightful to read your works. You indeed have the makings of a good writer. 💜

[Rye]

I enjoyed this, wonderful imagery and detail. Very nicely written

[hello there]

thank you, rye!