Past Tense

I remember that, after, I felt nothing but a hollowness that I was not sure I could ever fill.

I remember that after I felt nothing but a hollowness left inside me that I never thought I could fill. 

I knew what had happened was not right. 

I remember my sober mind begging my intoxicated body to get the hell out of there. 

 

9:00 pm, that night.

It was a high school Halloween party. I dressed as a clown, a last minute option. A cropped shirt and checkered pants. I remember the bubbly taste of the beer I was given by that cute senior. I was positive that it was a key that unlocked an incredible night. I transformed from the quiet and cautious girl, into a more outgoing version of myself. Usually, if I wasn't next to my best friend, I wouldn't know how to act. But tonight was different, I put myself out there and I was noticed for it. It was the best night I have had in a while.

10:30 pm, that night.

Two of my good friends and I went upstairs to go to the bathroom. We maneuvered our way through drunk girls dressed as cops and cats. Walked past guys that put little effort in dressing up, but an incredible amount of effort into getting those girls. 

When we finally exited the tangle of bare skin, red cups, and loud laughs, we went up the stairs. Standing in front of the bathroom door were three boys talking amongst themselves. We passed them and entered the small and surprisingly quiet bathroom. One of the girls put the toilet seat down and sat on top of it, the other checked herself in the mirror, and I placed myself onto the cold, black-and-white-checkered tile floor. 

I leaned my head against the wall, noting that my pants looked similar to the tiles. I barely paid attention to the two girls giggle over the boys they kissed or the vodka they drank while trying to steady the spinning world around me. They decided they were ready to return to the action, so we got up, reapplied some make-up, and turned out the bathroom light. 

The three boys were still outside and this time around, they started to talk to us. They seemed nice enough. I was overwhelmed by the amount of people downstairs, so I stayed up while my two friends went on without me. After a few minutes of simple questions I heard one of the boys speak within their small circle.

“Should I do it?” 

They responded with a few small laughs and one of them said, "Go for it.". 

I didn't understsnd what was going on but I brushed it off. He came closer, his six feet towering over my five, and asked if I wanted to go to the other room. I didn't know much about him, but the mix of alcohol and adrenaline pumping through my veins coaxed me into that room.

11:00 pm, that night.

He led me towards the bedroom and closed to door behind us. I stood by the wall next to the door, which I used to steady myself as the room rolled after each step I took. A fleeting thought crossed my mind that maybe, I had too much to drink, but I quickly dismissed it as the boy approached me. 

He bent towards me. His body seemed to block out all of the light in the room. He roughly grabbed my waist and placed his lips onto mine. A few minutes passed before he disconnected to look over me. He nudged me back onto a couch in the room, before getting on top of me and continuing the kiss. 

The impact knocked the wind out of me and made the world spin twice as fast as it already was, but he didn't seem to notice my audible gasp. 

Kissing.

And more kissing.

 Then, one of his large hands slipped under the thin black shirt, to my chest. The other found its way to my thigh. My stomach began to feel like it was filling with lead. 

The hand on my thigh snaked it’s way into my pants as the lead became twice as heavy. I guided his hand out to let him know that I was not comfortable with going that far. Once his hand was gone, I relaxed and continued kissing him. It happened again and I responded the same, my anxiety beginning to increase. 

The boy put more of his weight onto me, making it harder to move or even breathe. Once again, he pushed his hand into my pants. I bent my head back to shake my head, but his large frame swallowed my body. I tried to protest but his mouth was over mine, muffling the sound. His fingers were sharp as he pushed aside my underwear. 

The lead filling my stomach poured into the rest of my body and made my limbs and heart heavy. I was still resisiting, trying to get away, as he stabbed into me. I tried to clear the booze-induced cloud that was fogging up my head, making it more difficult to push him off of me. He was so heavy, pressing into me, I couldn’t escape. He withdrew his hand from my underwear and grabbed one of my arms. He forced my hand into his pants and as the tears began to fill my eyes, I heard a loud knock on the door. 

The tears finally escaped as I choked out a sound that was a mix of horror and relief. The boy gave me one final kiss before lifting himself off of me to answer the door.

Once the door was open, I pushed past him. I exploded into the dark hallway and tried to feel something other than broken.

 

months later

        When I heard he went after another girl, I could feel his hands holding me down once again. I could feel his lips forcefully pressed against mine. I could feel his animalistic breath on my neck. I could feel regret for not reporting it, for not saving that girl from this pain. But she did what I wouldn't do,what I couldn't do. She faced that sad excuse for a human in court and put it in jail.

After endless days of being held down by the lead set in my body that night, I am finally free.

 

Author's Note

I'm a new writer so any advice, feedback and constructive criticism is strongly encouraged. PLEAS let me know what I did well and what I can improve on. Thank you!